(Closed) SAHM bees help settle this discussion please!

posted 6 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Do you do everything for your household if you are a SAHM?
    you do everything, cooking, cleaning, child rearing, shopping etc. : (60 votes)
    29 %
    DH/SO helps with some things (please list what they do) : (116 votes)
    57 %
    Tasks/chores are split evenly : (23 votes)
    11 %
    other : (5 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 62
    Member
    143 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    I’m a Stay-At-Home Wife and I do just about everything. Considering my Darling Husband and I don’t have any children yet (have been TTC for a long while now) once I do have our first child I will do as much as I can and what I can’t get done Darling Husband will help me out. For the first three weeks I’ll have help from my mom because she will be staying with us (she lives out of town) but after that I’m hoping to resume what I do now. I know it will take time but I’ll form a new routine. 

    Post # 63
    Member
    893 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @princessbelle:  I think it is a time management thing.
    I stay at home. I would hate it if my husband had to come home after a long day of work to do the laundry. It takes 20 minutes max to sort the clothes and put them in the mashine and then do the switch. It does not take that long.

    It is just hard to get into rutine.

    Your husband can help. About the baby help at night. This is how I see it.

    Husband needs to go to work to bring home the bacon. I need to feed baby so I will be awake what is the point of having 2 tired people at home. He can help with baby when he comes home….but having both of us not sleep makes absolutly no sense at all.

    His mother worked when he was little and he has no memory of his mom ever taking care of him. It is painful for him.

    He loves that he comes home to a clean house. I prepare him a delicious lunch for work and when he comes home from work dinner is waiting for him. I am very gratefull for what he does for me. I feel it is unfair that he is at work all day and I cant even wash his shirts.

    Post # 64
    Member
    11746 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @princessbelle:  my baby is 10 days old and the most I accomplished today was take a shower. You definitely won’t be keeping the house spotless from day 1. Right now you need to sleep when baby sleeps. When bab isn’t sleeping you’re feeding and changing diapers literally all day long.

    Post # 64
    Member
    2692 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I am a sham and have been for some time so I kinda have the hang of it. My husband knows what to expect and what not to expect lol. Like I know what I can and should do.  For instance, yes I stay home and he has to get up super early to go to work, so I do not expect him to get up and help with the baby. He needs his sleep. I also like to have dinner ready for him most nights when he gets home.i do all laundry and will sometimes iron his clothes if he needs something ironed.  But again, he knows I’ve been up with the baby so if he has to do something in the am, he will not bother me. He tries not to wake me while he gets ready either. I like to make him breakfast and lunch but it’s not expected. And I like a spotless house, he could care less.

    he helps our on the weekends with the kids and with the baby weekinights when I have to get the kids ready for bed. And he will do a chore or two if I ask, like wash dishes or even cook. 

    The sahm mom stuff I do because I feel I should and it’s my way of contributing to the household. But I work too as a mom, so it’s not like he expects me to do everything and he does absolutely nothing. I do 99% because I want to and feel I do it better but when I need help he is more than willing.

    Post # 65
    Member
    1724 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    princessbelle:  There’s a landmine coming your way with this. He has rigid expectations of how things are going to go; you’re telling him that it may not be possible to have all of that done all of the time. Some of the more recent threads surfacing here shows just what happens when this finally comes around.<br /> 

    More frightening is that he was pampered by mama; did he ever live alone in between going from her to living with you? That’s one of the worst possible signs. They’ve always had someone else to take care of the housework, so they don’t fully realize how grating and exhausting it can be.

    Now is probably the time to start thinking about a realistic housework schedule; maybe 3 – 4 nights a week, you’ll get dinner on the table. I’d go over with him how many feedings, diaper changes, etc., you’re likely to be facing in the first several months (by 3 – 6 months, some of that WILL taper off, but feedings generally take at least 15 minutes…and it can be difficult to do something else while you’re holding a bottle or breastfeeding). Giving him a realistic look at the time expenditure of caring for that baby could pay off (i.e., you may spend 2 – 4 hours per day changing diapers, giving the baby bottles, calming the baby down, etc., if not more).

    What I think would really remedy this? Maybe every Saturday, it’s his responsibility to watch the baby for a few hours. It’ll give him an eye-opener into what it’s really like. It’s sad to me that your husband seems more focused on the tit-for-tat rather than on making this work for BOTH of you.

    We have agreed that I’ll be getting up in the night to care for our baby the majority of the time. However, weekends are fair game for either of us. He’s agreed to let me have 1 -2 nights a week when he gets home from work to go out, go to the gym, etc.

    He will, after all, get to have breaks, go out to lunch with friends, have some down time here and there throughout his day. If I’m not raising our kid, I’ll either be working (I work from home part time) or I’ll be doing housework. Not much time for going out to lunch or fooling around during the day.

    Post # 66
    Bee
    979 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2008 - A tiny town just outside of Glacier National Park

    Especially with a newborn, you need to realize you will be spending 30-70 hours a week feeding your child. That’s just FEEDING as you establish a milk supply or get baby to take and finish a bottle. 10-50 minutes per feeding, as many times a day as baby needs and completely time-dependent on your baby’s feeding style. There’s not a lot else you can do while feeding except passive activities, which is why postpartum support is so critical (especially while healing). 

    Post # 67
    Member
    2847 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    For the first 4-6 weeks, don’t expect to get much done, except take care of the baby.  After my first, I went back to work full time at 8 weeks, so around that mark, you really should be pretty functional.  If I stayed home, and my husband supported me financially, I would expect to be responsible for the majority of the household chores, such as laundry, basic cleaning, etc.  I think it is realistic to have dinner on the table every night (hello, crockpot and 1 skillet meals.  I make dinner after working all day.  It’s not that hard).  I also think it would not be that hard to pack lunches while you are making dinner.  Heavy cleaning and lawn care could be shared on the weekends, but I would get as much done during the week as you can, so your weekends are free.

     

    I would also get up at night with the baby.  I did that and worked full time.  It’s doable.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by  NavyBee.
    Post # 68
    Member
    871 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    princessbelle:  The spotless thing is ridiculous and unattainable, tell him that.

    On the weekends and after work he can change diapers or warm up a bottle. On the weekends you can split the chores. That is fair.

    During the week however, you are the one home. Yes you have a baby but on average a newborn sleeps 16 hours a day. Granted it may only be for a couple hours at a time but still during those two hours you can throw a load of laundry in, make your grocery list, do the dishes, take a cat nap and have a cup of coffee. No I am not down playing being a sahm. Just pointing out that there will be stretches where the baby is asleep. However, your husband needs to understand that babies are unpredictable and he may come home one day and it might look like a bomb went off. Not because you sat around eating chocolates and watching soap operas but because the baby would not sleep, was crying constantly and you took him/her to the doctors and that took all day etc. It is crictical that you discuss the erratic habits and behaviour of babies.

     I thought about my answer and the best way I could think of answering was to imagine men give birth. If fi had a baby then decided to stay home with the baby and I went to work there is no way I’d agree to 50/50 housework during the week. On the weekends, absolutely 50/50, but not during the week.

    Having a discussion about this is best to avoid resentment. The sahms I know, pretty much do all the household stuff  and are still able to get to the gym(this also affects my opinion because they are all awesome moms not just saying that because they are my friends). The exception being one of my cousins doesn’t have time to do yoga during the day, so when her SO comes home he watch the baby so my cousin can do her yoga.

    Post # 69
    Member
    871 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    ^^ my answer does NOT apply if your child is special needs, as that would present more challenges, more than I could imagine

    Post # 70
    Member
    2849 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    The first 12 weeks are incredibly hard. I was up every couple hours with my baby all night long and could only take short naps during the day. I was breastfeeding, so I had 45 minute nursing sessions that tied me to the chair or bed all day long. And I had a baby who cried every time he wasn’t being held. There is no way I could have taken care of the house on top of taking care of the baby! Heck, most days I could barely fit in a shower. I still struggle to do everything your Darling Husband has asked of you, and my baby is now 10 months old! He needs to realize that your priority needs to be the baby. Everything else isn’t that important.

    Post # 71
    Member
    1019 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    If you plan on breastfeeding, your baby would probably be feeding 8-12 times a day for the first couple of months. Lets assume 20 minutes per side, that’s 40min per feeding so at 10 feedings per day, you’re spending 7 or so hours on breastfeeding alone. This is assuming baby latches on without issue, and doesn’t take burping into account either. There isn’t much else you can do when breastfeeding.

    You’re already spending a full work day just feeding your baby, which is of course spread out over the course of the full 24 hours but you also need to change diapers, feed yourself once in a while, sleep, take care of yourself, yadayada. 

    My mom told me I was a slow feeder, I took 60-90 minutes per session. She had no time to do much else other than care for me. It was basically 2 hours to feed, 2 hours to change/bathe/sleep, rinse and repeat for weeks and weeks. Thus, I think your DH’s expectations are unreasonable. 

    The topic ‘SAHM bees help settle this discussion please!’ is closed to new replies.

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