(Closed) SAHM don't expect alimony

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think being a stay at home mom is a great idea, but it certainly raises the concerns you mentioned.

I think that a retirement account (IRA) can be created for a spouse who is a homemaker. Thus, the homemarker can accumulate retirement savings, even without income from the workforce. That’s something, but obviously does not solve the whole problem.

Post # 3
9152 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I think every woman needs to be capable of fully supporting herself and a family, even if she takes off some time to be a SAHM. 

Post # 4
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was a SAHM when DH (then FI) just one day confronted me with the fact that he was unhappy and asked me to leave. Within 2 days I had packed, took DD out of school and moved back to my hometown 2 1/2 hours away. I had $30 in my bank account at the time and we slept on my Dad’s pull-out couch for a month. I found a job within 4 days of being ‘home’ and was incredibly blessed to find an apartment 3 doors down from my Dad so quickly… I got by with a ton of support from my Dad and friends, who helped me accumulate furnishings, etc. Sometimes I think back and wonder how we ever pulled it off, but I am forever grateful. It definitely wasn’t easy, but I had DD to worry about… she was a driving force, for sure.

Post # 5
2414 posts
Buzzing bee

azzie17:  I’m not a SAHW, but I recently stepped down from a well-paying yet miserable job to a far less stressful one that’s almost part-time, has generous vacation time, and pays beans.

Basically at this point I’m working for medical benefits for DH and I, and that is my contribution to our financial situation. After medical benefits are taken out, my salary is basically enough to buy a tank of gas and a couple bags of groceries.

All of this is to say that I’m pretty much fully dependent on DH financially.

And up until now, I’ve never depended on anyone to take care of me. It’s an odd feeling because I was raised on the idea that it’s critically important for a woman to have her own money and the means to take care of herself — to never be fully dependent on a man, or helpless. 

I used to have assets, savings and investments but it was all lost in a bad real estate decision that I made prior to meeting DH.

DH on the other hand is extremely well off. When we got married, he paid off all of my bills and my car. I’m not bothering to save anything because on my current salary, I would only be able to save a laughable amount of money. Plus, it would be silly for me to stash money away in my own name while DH is giving me grocery and gas money to supplement my pathetic salary.

While my name is not on any of his assets that were acquired prior to us meeting each other and getting married, his mother recently passed away and DH is in the process of settling her estate. He has told me that his mother’s real estate will be listed in both of our names. 

There is no way DH and I are going to be splitting up, but let’s just say that in a hypothetical situation, if we did — I would not ask for or accept any offers of alimony. That’s just not how I was brought up. If we decided to part ways, I would leave the marriage with my boxes of things and that’s it. I would tell him to take my name off of his mother’s property and go on my way.

Even though I would be flat broke, I have the education and experience to go back to higher-paying work if necessary. So that is my security blanket and I’m OK with that. I also have a generous pension coming to me at retirement, due to my former career.

But we’re NOT splitting up, lol.


Post # 6
8278 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

And this is where that prenup that so many are against comes in mighty handy.

Post # 9
273 posts
Helper bee

If I were to become a SAHM, I would either need to have a hefty savings account already or have my husband “pay” me to stay at home. Not necessarily a full wage like I’d get at work, but enough to squirrel away for a rainy day. And I would definitely be limiting my years as a SAHM to until the kids were in school, so my resume didn’t suffer. 

I can’t imagine living with the insecurity of someone else paying all my living expenses but having no cash of my own. 

Post # 10
151 posts
Blushing bee

If you’re worried about this, make sure you know the laws in your state. In mine, all assets acquired after marriage are owned 50/50 so there is no such thing as “stashing some money away.” Anything I have belongs to DH too, just as what he has belongs to me.

Post # 11
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

azzie17:  I used to be financially dependent on my son’s father- I was a SAHM.  When I realized that wasn’t the lilfe I wanted to live, I went out, got a serving job within a week (hello instant cash!)- finished out the lease (to which I now had to financially contribute to since son’s dad got fired)- and then left.  I never thought I’d be able to pull it off- it just seemed so daunting.  But when you want/need something bad enough- and someone else is counting on you, you do it.

My mom watched DS while I worked- and the rest is history.

I am pregnant, and not currently working (for someone else)- and DH and I have joint accounts.  But I married a man- whom no matter how much things could go sour, would never leave me without money and with kids.  I know some of you will tell me I am wrong- but I’m not even referring to him as just a husband- but as a human being.  

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by  .
Post # 12
8110 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Honestly f I ever decided to be a SAHM (very unlikely) I would have a post nuptial agreement drawn up to protect myself. I’ve seen how hard it is to get a job after a even a year without working.

Although I do live in a community property state so technically everything belongs to both of us regardless of whose name is on it.

Post # 13
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013


azzie17:  OK- so now that I actually had a minute to read the article– what I don’t like about it- is that many men want thier wives to stay home with the kids– they know thier kids are well taken care of, and they make enough money to support the family.  But then a judge can come along and say “well, Joe wanted you to stay home, but now that Joe wants out- you get nothing, not even a jump start to you newly solo life, and need to go stock cans.”

Now- I’m not saying that stocking cans isn’t an OK job.  Someone has to do it– and anyone willing to have a job, even if it’s not the most desirable one- is an honorable person, IMO.  It’s not like my dream job was to wait tables after I left my son’s job….but it was quick to obtain, and allowed me to stay at home with my son during the day.


The least a man could do is step up and acknowledge that he wanted his wife to stay home- or allowed her to- however it went down– so the judge will understand that and award at least something to her for being in that marriage for all those years.  Maybe she should get a salary for raising her kid since the judge doesn’t seem to think she did much for herself.

Post # 14
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

azzie17:  another thing to consider that alimony is no longer the same as it once was- it was necessary to protect women in the olden days before we were allowed to work or drive ect.  Now getting alimony might either A- not happen and B- if it DOES happen it will likely be more of alimony for a year or two, and then no longer.

In this current economy If I was marrying someone who didn’t want me to work, I would absolutely have it written in the prenup that in the event of divorce he pays me X amount per year. 

Also its not just the having to go get a job that sets SAHMs ( in the event of a divorce)  back- its the lost retirment, savings ect over the years, and also depending on how long you were a SAHM it might be hard to have gainful employment ( yes stocking cans is a job…but many people on minimum wage still need food stamps! ) if you have long long gaps in your employment. 

For this reason alone if I was a SAHM I would def volunteer atleast 10 hours a week somewhere, so if I did need to fnd a job atleast you can have that to point to.


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