Post # 1
I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom and dd is 19 months, obviously I spend my days doing housework and playing with and teaching dd as much as possible. On average Darling Husband gets home between 5:30-6:30. We usually have supper right away and then go about our evening doing whatever, most of the time we just relax.
My problem is, Darling Husband rarely plays with dd, he has this game on his phone that he is obsessed with and is playing that most of the time. If he’s not doing that he’s watching tv and totally zoned out and doesn’t realize when me or dd tries to get his attention. He spends maybe 5 minutes playing and interacting with her and he puts her to bed every night. Dd is attached to me from the time we wake up until she goes to bed because Darling Husband doesn’t give her a lot of attention. I keep telling Darling Husband he needs to interact with her more because she needs to have a good relationship with him.
Some background, when my brother and I were little our dad played with us all the time. If we asked to play and he was doing something else, he would usually drop it to play with us. DH’s dad was killed when he was 2 and mil never remarried. Darling Husband always says she was a bad parent because she never spent time with him or showed any interest in what he liked. Thats probably why Darling Husband doesn’t do much with dd, he never had a good father figure.
Am I expecting too much from Darling Husband, or are most dads this way? I know he works all day, but I would hope that he doesn’t look at playing with dd as work. I don’t expect him to spend all evening playing, but more than 5 minutes (max) would be nice.
Post # 2
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
Is the game Clash of Clans? Darling Husband is hooked on that!
I think you need to address your concerns with him. It could just be he is feeling drained at the end of the day and/or doesn’t realize the lack of interaction. Everyone’s family dynamic is different, but I would be upset if my Darling Husband was acting this way.
Just ask him to be more “present” with you guys as a family and/or to spend more one-on-one time with your Dear Daughter.
Post # 3
it is clash of clans! I am so sick of it, he’s sitting by the wall outlet charging his phone and playing it right now. I have to yell his name to get his attention when he’s playing it.
Post # 4
I am a Stay-At-Home Mom and my husband spends way more time with our kids than that! That would serioust piss me off! My husband plays games too- but after our kids are in bed. Does your husband not think he needs to raise his kids? Bringing home the $ is not parenting.
Post # 5
Yes, I’d have a conversation. Understanding that the game might be his stress relief from life, he shouldn’t avoid you and dd because of it. Maybe try to reach a compromise, like after dinner he plays with dd, gives her a bath, puts her to bed, everything then once she is down he can play the game for a set amount of time you both agree on. This is important for both your relationship with him and for dd. Maybe he doesnt feel comfortable around her, like he doesn’t know what to do or is afraid he will injure her. You need some repreive from taking care of her all day and it is important for him to bond with her.
Post # 6
Not a sahm but work part time. Dh takes over the second he gets home on the days I am home and has her every morning until I am ready or he has to go. Your husband needs to step it up. Going to work is easier than being home in my opinion. You need a break too!!
Post # 7
My husband plays Clash of Clans as well… but only after we’re already in bed and I’m about to pass out (currently 36 weeks pregnant). He knows I will NOT be happy if he’s playing the game when he should be spending quality time with our daughter. Tell him to play it on his lunch break or after your daughter goes to bed.
Post # 8
I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom, but Fiance gets home from work a lot earlier than your hubby- around 2:30. LO is usually napping and he has time to shower and relax before play time. But he plays with our son all the time and will take him to the park or on errands on the weekends and give me a little rest. Fiance is anti-tech and would rather be actively doing something than have the TV on, so our situation is a lot different.
Try to encourage him to spend more time with Dear Daughter. Maybe get a zoo or museam pass so they can have something to look forward to on the weekend. Or you could delegate one hour a night to playtime. It sounds crazy to have to schedule it, but given the short amount of time during the week you have to work with it might be worth it.
Post # 9
I am a Stay-At-Home Mom to two boys 10 and 7. Darling Husband has ALWAYS paid attention to them. His thinking from the start was and still is….I have been home with them most of the day (except when they are in school), so it is his job to care for them when he gets home to give me a break. When they were little, he would read to them, play games with them, change their diapers, give them baths, get them ready for bed. Now that the boys are older, he has the 7 year old read to him before bed. They all play wii or angry birds (on his phone) together while I cook dinner. During dinner, it is a rule that there are no electronics and we have to talk as a family. After dinner, the boys and Darling Husband play xbox together or we all play board games as a family. Son#1 plays soccer so sometimes they will all go outside and play soccer together. We like to do things as a family on the weekends so that means getting out and going to a park, riding bikes, going to the beach or the Y (in summer). Darling Husband is a very hands on dad and is very involved with his kids. He also helps me out around the house with laundry, keeping things picked up, he grills out a lot (mostly during the summer), and doing dishes if I cook. If he wants to play on his phone or xbox live with his friends, it is after the boys go to bed and we don’t have shows recorded that we watch together.
Darling Husband gets up in the morning and goes to the gym for an hour to work out. Then comes home and gets ready for work. He is there until 6pm every night or sometimes later if overtime is needed (rarely) to get projects done. AND still manages to take care of the boys…not because he HAS to but because he WANTS to!
Your Darling Husband sounds like a very selfish person and I feel very sorry for your Dear Daughter if he continues to act like that!
Post # 10
I’m a STHM. My fiancé will drop anything and play with his princess. Maybe your husband doesn’t realize how distracted he is, and how much time is wasted on a distraction.
Post # 11
Yes I agree it should be more. If you don’t think talking to him about it will make it work, may I make a suggestion- when dinner is over say, I’m so glad I finally have time to go for a run/pop to the library/have a bath/go to quilting club/go have a beer at the local establishment/grab some groceries/call my mom/etc.
maybe if their time together is ‘forced’ (hate to use that word but you know what I mean) it will eventually become more natural for him?
and then you get a little time for yourself!
Post # 12
Thanks for all the replies, I feel better knowing I’m not asking for too much. I struggle with not getting mad because I know it had to be hard not having a dad growing up and not seeing how dads interact with kids.
I’ve talked briefly to him about this and told him he needs to step it up not only for dd, but for me too. I said that he gets to come home from work and not think about it, but I live at ‘work’ and when he doesn’t do anything I don’t get a break all day. Sad part is when he does play with dd, she has so much fun and laughs so hard. You’d think Darling Husband would want to play all the time.
I’ve tried that! Sometimes I’ll go out and not give him a call when I’m on my way home (we usually call when we are coming home from wherever) and when I walk in the door, dd is playing by herself and Darling Husband is either playing his phone game, video game, or watching tv.
Post # 13
I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom as well, and our schedule is pretty much like yours. Darling Husband is usually home by 6:30, I’m usually in the middle of making dinner and our 2 year old basically gives him NO CHOICE but to pay attention to him the second he walks through the door. He plays with him until dinner is ready, we all eat, then one of us cleans up while the other does DS’s bath. Then we take turns showering, Darling Husband plays with DS some more (sometimes takes him to the park so I can have 30 moinutes to myself, which I love him for). But after that our night is all about chilling out. We put cartoons on sometimes and both zone out…
What are your weekends like? Darling Husband gets every 3rd weekend off usually, but when he does work he’s home early and knows he’s on Daddy Duty so I can get some things done. Certain things are IMPOSSIBLE to do now that DS is older. Any sort of shopping trip that takes longer than 10 minutes to complete purchase is out. Gardening is…haha. I can’t even take my eyes off him anymore because he’s constantly trying to kill himself by jumping off whatever he’s figured out he can climb up on that day (or attempting something equally dangerous).
Overall, I’d say he’s a wonderful dad and does the best he can. That’s not to say some nights he doesn’t do exactly what you described your husband doing. He loves some new game on his phone too, but I have no idea what it is. I agree that being a Stay-At-Home Mom is much harder in many ways than going to work everyday. I have to take breaks at least once a week to keep my sanity. But I also think both parents deserve that “me” time. The amount of time he devotes to your daughter is obviously upsetting you, so you guys need to come to some sort of an agreement to try to stick with so resentment doesn’t start to build on both ends, i.e. have a ‘no games before X time’ every night rule. No, I don’t think that’s too much to ask of him. My own mom was a horrible mother. She loved my brother and I in her own way I suppose, but she definitely loved herself a hell of alot more and we have the emotional scars to show for it. I always told myself that I never wanted my own child to grow up and look back and think this way about me. Maybe put it into that perspective for your husband. Wishing you luck.
Post # 14
I was a Stay-At-Home Mom for many years, and my Darling Husband basically took over parenting when he walked in the door. He interacted with the kids, gave them baths, read to them, put them to bed. In the early months, he was also the one to comfort them when they were fussy (but had already been fed). On weekends, I always had one day to run errands or go to lunch with a friend by myself. I would have been very resentful had he not been such a good parent, because like you mentioned, for a Stay-At-Home Mom it is sometimes like being at work 24/7.
I think you really need to have a heart to heart with him and come to an agreement about how much time he will spend caring for your Dear Daughter. The more he does it, the more natural it will be.
Post # 15
I think it is a male thing. Both my Darling Husband and I work full time but I spend way more time playing with our son. I would get and still do so mad at Darling Husband. He spends a lot of time on his phone or watching sports on tv than spending time with our son. It is getting better now that our son is older he is 3.5 now. But I am still the primary caregiver/one who plays with him …