Post # 1
I want to preface this by saying that I haven’t started dress shopping yet and will not do so until next year (we haven’t even booked a venue yet). This is something that my Fiance randomly asked me if I would consider in the car last night – we were not discussing dresses or anything even remotely wedding related.
I feel it is also prudent to mention that my Future Father-In-Law sadly passed away in early March this year. He had a massive heartattack in the middle of the night and, whilst he got to hospital (my quick thinking Future Mother-In-Law performed CPR), it quickly became clear that his brain had been without oxygen too long and the machines were the only things keeping him alive. The year has been incredibly hard for the whole family and my Fiance decided to go ahead with his proposal in September because his father was a big believer in going through with things that you’ve “committed to” (he had been planning the proposal for close to a year; it was later than he intended, but he said he always intended to do it this year).
So, last night my Fiance asked whether I would take his mother with me when I go dress shopping. I asked why and he just shrugged, so I answered honestly – I wasn’t planning on it, so probably not. He seemed a little upset and I asked him why he wants me to take her – he has 3 older sisters, one of whom is already married, so it’s not like she’ll never get the dress shopping experience – and he said that he thought it would be a good distraction for her (from his father’s passing). I said that I was only planning to ask my mum and my 2 sisters to come – I’m not even asking my step mother, whom I adore, to come along because it’s so awkward between her and my mum. He asked again whether I would consider it, and I said that I was planning to ask her and my step mother to come along to a fitting if they want to see the dress. He seemed to accept this, as he dropped the issue, but he still seemed a little upset that I don’t want to take his mum. I don’t really want an entourage of people with me when I look at dresses, which is why I really only planned on my mum and sisters. I always imagined the dress shopping experience as something between me and the women closest to me.
Was saying no to my Fiance the wrong move? I understand he thinks his mum needs distractions, but I personally don’t think this is the best way to deal with grief and I never planned on asking her to come along anyway.
Post # 2
She’s going to be your family, and it was important enough to your fi to ask. I would invite her.
Post # 3
Is there a reason you can’t include her? What harm will it do asking her along? I just think it would be nice – and you shouldn’t need a reason to be nice.
Post # 4
You were not wrong. While it is tragic that she lost her husband so suddenly it isn’t your job to use all of the pre wedding events to distract her. Maybe your fi should spend time with her while you are dress shopping.
Post # 5
I didn’t take my Future Mother-In-Law along dress shopping only my mum. I wanted the person there who would give me their honest brutal opinion. I didn’t want to take any bridesmaids or my Future Mother-In-Law as I felt I would be seeking their approval too and I wanted my dress choice to be my decision only with my mum their to help me should I question/doubt myself.
Post # 6
You are marrying her son. She will be family forever. If they have a good relationship and you want to cultivate a good relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law, you should invite her yourself.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t say you were wrong, but it might have been nice to include her. Maybe you could offer to have a girls day out to shop for accessories or her dress for the ceremony. My Mother-In-Law didn’t come with me to pick out dresses because that’s really not her thing. I did make sure to include her in other ways though.
Post # 8
I don’t see why you can’t just include her. Unless she is an opinionated raging bitch, all that is going to happen is you’ll have another person fawning all over you, telling you how lovely you look. And it will obviously mean so much to your Fiance. I don’t think inviting her to this one event means you’re going to have to use all of your pre-wedding events to distract her. I kinda get why your Fiance would ask. It’s just a nice, small gesture. Trust me, wedding dress shopping isn’t like some magical fairy tale thing. It’s nice and fun, but doesn’t need to be exclusive or anything.
Post # 9
My Mother-In-Law is a very sweet lady, but I never would have invited her to go dress shopping. That was a special moment between my mom, sister, and I. I’m very close with my mom and sister and having my Mother-In-Law there would have made the experience less special. Yes, you’re going to be family but that doesn’t make her your mom. Don’t feel bad at all. It’s very nice of you to include her in a fitting.
Post # 10
The only thing I would be concerned about is whether or not your Fiance asked you because his Mom has already asked HIM? If that’s the case, and he has to go back and tell his Mom ” no” then I’d feel bad for hurting her if she wants to come. If she’s shown no interest and your Fiance is just asking because HE is wondering and his Mom has no expectations of coming, then perhaps just having her at a fitting will suffice.
Post # 11
Nope, you made the right call. Why can’t your Fiance plan some things with her to help distract her? Or maybe you and her could go shopping together for a dress for her for the wedding. I agree with the pp who said it is tragic what happened but its not your job to distract her with wedding planning. She should establish healthy coping strategies, seeing a grief counselor, reading some book on the grief cycle, joining group therapy plus her children and other family can help her when things get rough for her.
If you invite her, would you then be inclined to invite your stepmom and half to deal with her feelings too? You have to make some boundaries. Again I think of ways your Fiance can help plan things to distract her, like his suit/tux shopping. Inviting her and your stepmom to a fitting seems very nice and a wonderful moment to share with them.
Keep your dress shopping as you want it. Maybe there are other aspects of the wedding planning that will come up your Future Mother-In-Law would be able to help you with. Good luck, op.
Post # 12
Plus I would personally find it rather annoying to take 4-5 people shopping for a wedding dress, too many opinions going on. Just my opinion though.
Post # 13
You may not find the dress the first time out. Maybe offer to take her and your step mother if you go a second time?
I think it’s a nice gesture to include her, especially since your fiancé asked.
Post # 14
If your Fiance asked you, it’s probably important to him. For that reason alone, I think you should have agreed.
Post # 15
I actually hadn’t considered this, so thank you for pointing it out. I’m not sure if she asked him to ask or if he’s just taken it upon himself, but this is definitely something I’ll ask him about. She hasn’t mentioned anything about dress shopping at all to me, so I’m not sure. If she has asked, then I’d feel even worse saying no.
It’s not her idea to look for “distractions”, this just seems to be something my Fiance is wanting to give her. She has a very good support system around her and she has been attending grief counselling since her husband passed. I’ve tried telling my Fiance that I don’t think she needs distractions, but he doesn’t agree. I think this is more because this is how he
would prefer to deal with things, but I don’t let him because I don’t think it’s healthy.
Yes, very true. I’d be more than happy to take her along another time, I just wanted the first trip to be between my mum, my sisters and I.
I guess my main issue is that I would really love to have my step mother along, but have made the hard decision to not ask her in order to ensure my mum is comfortable (and my step mother as well, I know she feels awkward around my mum). If I ask my Future Mother-In-Law, I feel like I will hurt my step mother’s feelings and this is the last thing I want to do. This is why I had originally planned to take both my step mother and Future Mother-In-Law (who know each other quite well, my mum doesn’t really know my Future Mother-In-Law at all) to a fitting or a second shopping trip.
There are plenty of other ways that my Future Mother-In-Law is being involved in the planning. In fact, she’s been more involved than my mum and my step mother combined so far.