(Closed) Said no to bringing FMIL dress shopping – wrong move?

posted 6 years ago in Dress
Post # 46
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2025

I’m surprised at how many people are urging you to “just invite her”. If you had no intention of inviting her in the first place and even after your Fiance asked, you STILL had no intention of inviting her then stick to your guns and don’t invite her. If you wanted her there, she would have been on your initial list of important people to come.

I don’t like this attitude of “oh well you’ll have a better relationship/she’ll appreciate it/blah blah blah”. Everyone here is making leaping assumptions that this is something FI’s mother will appreciate or want.

Did anyone think that going through the wedding planning process/gown shopping may remind her of her own marriage and wedding and that it may in fact be a very emotional experience for her, having just lost her own husband? Or that she may NOT welcome the distraction from grieving? This woman has her own feelings and she may not want to be included.

Dress shopping is about YOU. Not other people’s expectations of what’s right or proper or NICE to do or whatever. If you only want your mother and close girls, then do that and stick to your guns. It’s YOUR wedding dress and if those are the people you want with you when you try things on, I think you’ve got the right idea.

I would NOT invite my Mother-In-Law because that time is something special I hope to have for my mother and I and I want those moments with HER, not with Mother-In-Law. You did nothing wrong OP, its unfortunate you and Fiance didn’t agree but I think he was overstepping his boundaries by even asking you that question since that part of the process has NOTHING to do with him. Why doesn’t he take his mom tux shopping instead? He can spend quality time with her and she can be involved if she so wishes.

Post # 46
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Just two cents from a second time bride…I went with my mother and Maid/Matron of Honor the first time to the bridal building in NYC which was four hours away. I didn’t even think of asking my Mother-In-Law as she was already involved making the bridesmaid dresses (seamstress).

This time I went dress shopping alone! I know exactly what I want and how I want to look. I showed pictures to a friend from work who is recently married so we discuss weddings all of the time and my 12 year old fashionista daughter but other than those two no one will see my dress until the wedding day. My Future Mother-In-Law is super excited about her only son getting married but I plan to focus her excitement in other directions like selecting her own dress and attending the food and cake tastings with us and our moms. I think the four of us will have a blast.

Post # 48
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I went shopping 8 times. I would plan on going at least more than once. I understand your thought process completely, but if it’s important to him, it should be important to you. Even though I had already sort of decided on a dress, I went alone with my Future Mother-In-Law so she could get the experience (she only has 3 boys), and she loved every second of it. It ended up being really fun, helped our girly bond, and made my fiance SO happy! Maybe at least go once with her alone for a girls day 🙂

Post # 49
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

View original reply
JessieFay13:  I don’t think you were wrong at all. I too only wanted the women i was very close with while shopping – I only took my Mom and my Sister (MOH), none of my BMs, Future Mother-In-Law or anyone else. I feel that inviting her to the fitting is more than enough – I am only inviting my Mom to my fittings.

Post # 51
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
JessieFay13:  if she weren’t doing grief counseling and she was denying his death, that would be unhealthy. But “distractions” as a coping method for something you have faced and are dealing with but can’t change is actually considered to be reasonably healthy. I’m saying maybe your judgement of her coping strategy isn’t on point.

that said, you don’t need to feel pressured to do this. If it were me in your shoes, I would if it mattered to Fiance, but only if my mom was okay with it. I don’t see why you can’t involve her in other ways, though. 

Post # 52
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I get where you’re coming from. I didn’t invite my mother-in-law, but I knew my dress was the one from a photo and just went to try it on as a formality. If my husband had asked about inviting her, though, I probably would have. He was very low maintenance about planning and let me do whatever I wanted, so I pretty much gave in to the few requests he had. Just something to think about! I do agree with PPs suggestion about inviting her for a possible second round.

Post # 54
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee

I’d just take the people you want dress shopping – it’s an awkward experience at the best of times, cramming yourself into completely unflattering styles; I’d only do it with people who had seen me even worse. XD I invited my Mother-In-Law etc over for wine, cake and opinions and to meet my seamstress when my dress had come in – then they all knew I was committed so they shouldn’t say anything harsh. 🙂

Your fiance is going to have nothing to do that day; he can take her to a museum! 

Post # 55
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

JessieFay13: Here is another idea: Suggest to your Fiance that he take his mother along when looking for his own wedding attire. It would give her the ‘distraction’ that your Fiance think she needs, and gives them time together on a wedding related task. Having his mother help pick his tux/suit and tie would be kinda sweet!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by purlofagirl.

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