Post # 46
I’m surprised at how many people are urging you to “just invite her”. If you had no intention of inviting her in the first place and even after your Fiance asked, you STILL had no intention of inviting her then stick to your guns and don’t invite her. If you wanted her there, she would have been on your initial list of important people to come.
I don’t like this attitude of “oh well you’ll have a better relationship/she’ll appreciate it/blah blah blah”. Everyone here is making leaping assumptions that this is something FI’s mother will appreciate or want.
Did anyone think that going through the wedding planning process/gown shopping may remind her of her own marriage and wedding and that it may in fact be a very emotional experience for her, having just lost her own husband? Or that she may NOT welcome the distraction from grieving? This woman has her own feelings and she may not want to be included.
Dress shopping is about YOU. Not other people’s expectations of what’s right or proper or NICE to do or whatever. If you only want your mother and close girls, then do that and stick to your guns. It’s YOUR wedding dress and if those are the people you want with you when you try things on, I think you’ve got the right idea.
I would NOT invite my Mother-In-Law because that time is something special I hope to have for my mother and I and I want those moments with HER, not with Mother-In-Law. You did nothing wrong OP, its unfortunate you and Fiance didn’t agree but I think he was overstepping his boundaries by even asking you that question since that part of the process has NOTHING to do with him. Why doesn’t he take his mom tux shopping instead? He can spend quality time with her and she can be involved if she so wishes.
Post # 46
Just two cents from a second time bride…I went with my mother and Maid/Matron of Honor the first time to the bridal building in NYC which was four hours away. I didn’t even think of asking my Mother-In-Law as she was already involved making the bridesmaid dresses (seamstress).
This time I went dress shopping alone! I know exactly what I want and how I want to look. I showed pictures to a friend from work who is recently married so we discuss weddings all of the time and my 12 year old fashionista daughter but other than those two no one will see my dress until the wedding day. My Future Mother-In-Law is super excited about her only son getting married but I plan to focus her excitement in other directions like selecting her own dress and attending the food and cake tastings with us and our moms. I think the four of us will have a blast.
Post # 48
I went shopping 8 times. I would plan on going at least more than once. I understand your thought process completely, but if it’s important to him, it should be important to you. Even though I had already sort of decided on a dress, I went alone with my Future Mother-In-Law so she could get the experience (she only has 3 boys), and she loved every second of it. It ended up being really fun, helped our girly bond, and made my fiance SO happy! Maybe at least go once with her alone for a girls day 🙂
Post # 49
I don’t think you were wrong at all. I too only wanted the women i was very close with while shopping – I only took my Mom and my Sister (MOH), none of my BMs, Future Mother-In-Law or anyone else. I feel that inviting her to the fitting is more than enough – I am only inviting my Mom to my fittings.
Post # 50
To all those commenting on my mum and step mother’s relationship – they don’t hate each other or anything like that, it’s just very awkward when they’re together, particularly when it’s only a small group of people. My mum also has other mental health issues (she suffers from severe anxiety among other things) which only makes the situation worse. They will be fine at the wedding and other wedding-related events as there will be more people there to act as a buffer. It’s just that dress shopping involves a much smaller group of people and I want them both to be comfortable.
Since posting this question, this is something that has occurred to me, too. I am very aware of the fact that wedding planning is going to be hard on my Future Mother-In-Law and I don’t want to do or say anything that’s going to make it harder for her. I would be absolutely mortified if I asked her to come along and she said yes because she felt obligated but she really didn’t want to.
I still haven’t had a chance to speak to my Fiance about whether this is something he came up with on his own or whether my Future Mother-In-Law or someone else mentioned it to him. I know a lot of people are saying that this isn’t something he would have thought of on his own, but I think it is.
Post # 51
if she weren’t doing grief counseling and she was denying his death, that would be unhealthy. But “distractions” as a coping method for something you have faced and are dealing with but can’t change is actually considered to be reasonably healthy. I’m saying maybe your judgement of her coping strategy isn’t on point.
that said, you don’t need to feel pressured to do this. If it were me in your shoes, I would if it mattered to Fiance, but only if my mom was okay with it. I don’t see why you can’t involve her in other ways, though.
Post # 52
I get where you’re coming from. I didn’t invite my mother-in-law, but I knew my dress was the one from a photo and just went to try it on as a formality. If my husband had asked about inviting her, though, I probably would have. He was very low maintenance about planning and let me do whatever I wanted, so I pretty much gave in to the few requests he had. Just something to think about! I do agree with PPs suggestion about inviting her for a possible second round.
Post # 53
My Future Mother-In-Law is not the one looking for distractions, it’s my Fiance. This is how he has always coped with things – he doesn’t talk about it, he just throws himself into other things and hopes it will go away. This is what I don’t think is healthy and why I haven’t let him do it over his father’s passing. He is also the one insisting that his mother needs distractions, but she has her own way of coping with things. And, as I’ve already mentioned, my Future Mother-In-Law is involved in the wedding planning in other ways and I know that I can go to her for advice or suggestions if needed.
Post # 54
I’d just take the people you want dress shopping – it’s an awkward experience at the best of times, cramming yourself into completely unflattering styles; I’d only do it with people who had seen me even worse. XD I invited my Mother-In-Law etc over for wine, cake and opinions and to meet my seamstress when my dress had come in – then they all knew I was committed so they shouldn’t say anything harsh. 🙂
Your fiance is going to have nothing to do that day; he can take her to a museum!
Post # 55
JessieFay13: Here is another idea: Suggest to your Fiance that he take his mother along when looking for his own wedding attire. It would give her the ‘distraction’ that your Fiance think she needs, and gives them time together on a wedding related task. Having his mother help pick his tux/suit and tie would be kinda sweet!