(Closed) Same mistake again?

posted 5 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
9682 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@bohemian_coconut:  I got engaged after 3 months and legally married within a year (we are having an official ceremony next year). That was after exiting a nearly 10 year relationship with my ex-FI. Sometimes you do just know, and sometimes it does happen faster than others would like (or even faster than you would like). Do what is best for your and your future Fiance, not your mother. You can’t live your life to someone else’s standards or else you will never be happy.

The one thing my long relationship did for me was to teach me what I don’t want – that’s how I was able to recognize what I do want so quickly.  

Post # 4
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@bohemian_coconut:  I got married at 23 – stayed married for three short months. By the time I get married next year, I would have been enegaged for over a year and with my Fi for pushing six… we moved in together VERY soon after we started dating. I have zero regrets. This wedding to me, is my wedding. My only wedding and very special. You make mistakes, you shouldn’t have to pay for them for the rest of your life. If it feels right and it’s a good fit you should let yourself be happy. Good luck.

Post # 5
9201 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@bohemian_coconut:  I think as long as you have a long engagement, you’re fine.  As you know, things can really change between the first few months and a couple years later, even if you’re older and wiser the second time around…

Post # 6
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA

First of all, congratulations on your engagement!

But you asked for advice, and here’s mine. You said “We don’t plan to jump into the marriage and will move in together down the line for a few years before setting a date.”  If that is the case, I guess I don’t see what the rush to get engaged is?  If you don’t see a wedding happening for years down the line, then why not just stay as boyfriend and girlfriend, until you feel it’s time to start planning a wedding?  To me, an engagment is the time in which you plan your wedding, and I personally wouldn’t want to be engaged longer than a year, year and a half tops.  I know this is different for every person though.  My other caution is this.  At 5 months, you are still in the honeymoon phase.  From my experience, it usually takes about a year before the honeymoon periods fades away.  It seems like every guy I’ve ever dated, I thought for sure he was “the one” several months in.  Maybe its just me but it takes me at least a year to finally figure it out.  But again, only you know what’s best for you.  Just listen to your heart, AND your head, and make the best decision for you.  Don’t worry about other people’s reactions, if you are 100% sure you’re doing what’s best for you.

Good luck!




Post # 7
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@bohemian_coconut:  I also was very worried about making a mistake again, but I read tons of books on relationships, marriage, etc.  I was also armed to dump the duds – so no losers here! 


I think what the biggest thing in my opinion is that you need time.  People can put up a good front for a year or so.  Like someone else said, month 5 is still the honeymoon phase where there’s not a single thing wrong with either of you.  I think you really get to know a person between years 2 and 3.  So if I were you, I honestly just gather more data on your lovely man.  And that means just continue to date and keep your eyes open.  Definitely don’t move in together within the first year.  Make sure he’s still the lovely man you loved all the time, but let time show you that.  Go through several seasons, holidays, several life events, you want to see how it all holds up to reality.  One year, or less than one year, is just not enough time if you’re really aiming to not making a mistake.


I guess if you want to say you’re still engaged then go for it.  I’d also want to wait until I were legally single to annouce it as well.


That is just my opinion though and it worked for me.


(yes I know it worked out great for others who did everything with less than a year, but in general time is my advice especialy when you have children in the mix.)

Post # 8
50 posts
Worker bee

I have two bits of advice for you. First, people think they have your best interests at heart when they tell you to slow down. Has anyone told you that you NEED time to “just be single?” or something similar? Only you can know if you are ready to be in a committed relationship again. You do not need to be single for the sake of being single for some arbitrary amount of time. You do not need to “date around” (see: sleep around) before you settle down. You need to do what you want. I would suggest asking this question the next time it comes up: “How long is long enough? How long do you say I need to do what you want before you will be happy for me and support me?” Hopefully that will put their comments into perspective for them. 

Second, you need to hope for the best but plan for the worst. This is for your son’s sake. I don’t mean you should treat the relationship like it’s going to fail! But moving in together so soon could have lasting effects on your children should you (heaven forbid!) break up in the next couple of years. Think about how that would seem to them. That would be the second family they knew that was ripped apart, and they won’t understand why. Your fiance will still be there. You don’t have to combine households so quickly. Just remember that your little boy is still your priority, and do what you think is best for him WITHOUT sacrificing your own happiness.

Good luck, and congratulations on all your happiness!

Post # 9
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Please also remember when someone else gives you their thoughts they are filtered based on that person’s experiences/needs/fears/etc!  Like for me, my mther still believes yu give evrything to the man and never leave so she could never athom how I would do it and stand up for myself so I can’t allow myself to listen to her thoughts – trust your gut, trust your heart, and just live 🙂 And love, definitely love 🙂

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