(Closed) Same Wedding Dress

posted 12 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: If two friends buy the same dress, who should get to wear it?

    The one who bought it first

    The one who gets married first

    Neither one, they should both buy new gowns to be fair

  • Post # 17
    Member
    813 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2020

    Oh no! I’m sure you must feel very frustrated right now. Its pretty clear that she isn’t going to change the dress. Tanya made a good point, playing devils advocate, that if she didn’t know about your dress, she probably doesn’t think she did anything wrong (or at least intentional) and therefore doesn’t think she should change her dress. And that is true. If she was malicious and bought the same dress as you after knowing that you had already purchased it, you might need to reevaluate your friendship with her.

     Although your fiance will see the dress on her, I am sure it will look very different on you. If you really, really love the dress, then I would wear it. You will shine in it, and THAT is what your fiance will see.

    If you feel like wearing that dress won’t be as special for you now, then consider looking at other dresses. At least get out there this weekend and start looking around. You might need to order a sample dress to ensure that you have it in time. But I bet if you explain the predicament to a salesperson in the bridal salons, they would be sympathetic and help you out in any way they can. If you don’t find anything else that even compares to your current dress, then you *know* that that is the dress for you, and you should wear it.

    Just remember, the dress WILL look different on you. And your fiance isn’t going to just look at the dress. He is going to look at your hair and your makeup and your veil. That is what he will notice before the dress! Plus, years from now, when you are looking at the pictures, you want to make sure that it is the dress that YOU LOVE. You won’t really ever see pictures of your friend wearing it.

    Good luck… let us know what you decide to do! 

    Post # 18
    Member
    778 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2009

    I went to see if I could find more pictures of the dress and did…

     

    It really is a beautiful dress and already has beading on the skirt at the pick-ups. So I would revise my second suggestion to say take off the beading at the pick-ups and instead have them put it scattered on your veil (if possible), or put them on the train to extend the beading there. Also, you can consider taking off the train, and adding the beading from the train to the bottom of your dress all along the edge.

    Post # 19
    Member
    47 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I saw another dress from Maggie Sottero Monalisa and it’s similar the dress you want but it’s a bit different on the bottom. It has more beading. I would go look for another dress. Use this opportunity as a new dress shopping experience. That girl isn’t a good friend at all.

     

    Maggie Sottero Monalisa

    Post # 20
    Member
    778 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2009

    Ms. Blossom, your maggie sottero dress brings up another suggestion for me.  Change the top of the dress to a sweet-heart neckline.

    Post # 21
    Member
    2029 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I saw an amazing photo one time where the birde has a similar dress to yours with pickups. She worked with her florist to have a single white orchid pinned into each pickup. It sounds crazy, but I swear it looked soooo beautiful. Maybe you can work with your florist to do something like that? If I were a guest and I saw one dress without flowers and one with, I probably would not realize they were the same dress.

    Post # 22
    Member
    484 posts
    Helper bee

    Chela – good suggestion! I think changing the neckline will absolutely make the dress look different. 

    to the OP – I’m so sorry this happened to you! and I echo all the other posts. You will look Stunning on your day! No matter what you wear!

    Post # 23
    Member
    2004 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    I wish you had included a fourth option on your poll that is "both of you wear it." I understand you’re feeling upset right now, but I think etiquette states that you should concentrate on your own wedding and not worry about hers. There are plenty of dress twins on weddingbee and in the world, so why should you be surprised that someone else had the same good taste as you? At this point I think it would be a waste of money to get a new dress when you have one that you love and have already purchased.

    Like Tanya said, this is probably just an unfortunate coincidence. Did you really send out an email with pictures of your dress warning other brides not to buy the same one? Regardless, years from now you are going to be looking at pictures of your wedding, not hers. I know you wanted the dress to be a surprise, but most men I know do not have that great a memory for clothes….so even if he does see it on her one month prior, by the time your wedding gets there he will probably have forgotten a lot, and ultimately he hasn’t seen it on you (or your hair, veil, makeup, jewelry, etc.) and that’s what matters.

    Which is worse: not getting to surprise your husband with the dress or not getting to wear the dress you love? There have been other posts on weddingbee about girls whose fiances/husbands accidentally saw them in their wedding gowns prior to the wedding. In the end they all survived. Afterward they realized that the getting married part was way more important than surprising him with the dress. Does anyone have any stories of the dress-surprise getting ruined? How did it turn out for you?

    There was another recent post on weddingbee about a girl whose friend had booked the same venue as her within the space of one month and I gave her the same advice—have the wedding you love, regardless of what anyone else is doing.

    Post # 24
    Member
    752 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    This is a tough subject, because the gown and wedding day "look" are such emotionally loaded parts of our wedding traditions. If this friend knew what dress you chose, then chose the same one intentionally to try to "outshine" you in some way, then I agree that she doesn’t seem like a very good friend. If she just coincidentally fell in love with the same gown as you, I don’t think that’s as bad. Imagine finding your dream gown only to hear from a friend that she doesn’t want you to wear it, because she’s wearing it too. I can understand your friend’s resistance. I’m sure she doesn’t want to lose her investment or her perfect dress any more than you do.

    I know you may not want to hear this, but your husband seeing YOU in your dress for the first time on your wedding day will be special whether he has seen the gown on someone else or not. I’m sure the rest of your bridal look will not be the same as this friend’s, so you can differentiate yourself through your veil, shoes, jewelry, and hairstyle. Just don’t share your plans for any of those details with this friend!

    If it’s not too late, could you order the gown in another color? Ivory or champagne, rather than white, or vice versa? I don’t think a sash would work for your gown, but a sweet little cap sleeve might be beautiful, as would a fun, dyed crinoline. 

    I hope something in there helps! Good luck!

     

    Post # 25
    Member
    180 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I have a way to fix the surprise problem: tell your fiance that you got a new dress, but don’t. This little white lie will make him think he is being surprised which is what makes for that anticipation and excitement. Then, when he sees you in the dress, he won’t remember the other girl’s (guys just don’t remember these things) and he will be surprised and love how you look in it.

    My fiance saw me in a picture of my dress and this is what I would have done, but I ended up finding a better dress at Brides Against Breast Cancer. The store where I bought my first dress let me return it for store credit (unaltered and never worn) because I was planning on getting all 6 of my bridesmaids dresses there.

    Post # 26
    Member
    2640 posts
    Sugar bee

    Skuch,

    Is this girl a friend to begin with? As I’m understanding it’s your FIs who are the friends, not you and her.  Just curious.  If you two really are friends, I could see how you’d hope to evoke more sympathy from her, than an acquiantence.  But unfortunately, if she’s not really your friend from the start, I’m not too surprised you’re getting this response from her.

    Post # 27
    Member
    752 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    Another thought: If you’re still adamant that your future husband see you in your gown before he sees her in it, would you be open to doing a "day after" photo shoot together a month before the wedding (before her wedding, specifically)? You could give your full wedding day look a trial run, and even schedule your final makeup and hair trials for that day, too. Then, you and your FH can have a really special day together, going to places that are important to you and your relationship and just relaxing before the wedding.

    You might not be open to it, but it’s an idea… 🙂

    Post # 28
    Member
    742 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I would go by whoever bought it first! She doesn’t have a right to it if you already bought it! Though, to make it fair I would probably just have both of you find new dresses!

    Post # 29
    Member
    103 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    This happened to one of my BM’s. She and her FI’s cousin both ended up with the same dress, but didn’t know until it was too late for either to do anything about it.

    She was very upset and understandably so, but in the end they looked different in their dresses and only the people she told noticed that it was the same dress. You’re going to stand out on your wedding day in your dress no matter how many others have worn it before or will wear it after you.

     

    Post # 30
    Member
    271 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2010

    I agree that you should just wear the dress and not worry about what she wears.  You’ll both look lovely!

    Post # 31
    Member
    212 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    I mentioned it before that I’m kinda a freak about having things the same as anyone else, so I understand how you feel. But the Bees make a great point about that fact that many others have/are wearing it too? I would use it as an excuse to buy another if I wasn’t in love with it after this and could afford it. And I’d probably pull a bride wars and sabotage hers if I did still love it (kidding, kind of..;) Best of luck to you!

    PS don’t tell her your favorite baby names!

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