Post # 1
We sent out our save-the-dates about nine months ahead of time, when everyone was planning their school years and upcoming vacations, because we wanted everyone to put it on the calendar. Now that we’re less than four months out and getting ready to send invitations, we’re having regrets about some of our guests.
There is one couple in particular that we spent a lot of time with last year. My Fiance went to elementary school with the girl (they were even each other’s first “relationship” in about sixth grade), and they recently reconnected when he moved back home for grad school. Her boyfriend is really cool, and the four of us hung out a decent amount last year and around the proposal. So they clearly made our guest list.
The problem is, she has gotten incredibly annoying. We haven’t hung out with them in months, because she constantly complains about everything and everyone, and she’s a total drag to be around. She sends frequent text messages to complain about her medical problems (which I sympathize with but don’t need every detail of), and then criticizes her doctors and the entire medical profession. Fiance and I are both in medicine, so we find it a little insulting when she talks about how “all doctors just want to make money and don’t care about their patients” or how “doctors don’t know anything about science and no one in [our city] should even be allowed to practice medicine.” (And just to clarify, she doesn’t have any life-threatening medical problems. Yes, her issues are frustrating – she has endometriosis – but it’s not like she’s dying and I don’t care or anything.)
At any rate, we’re not on bad terms with her, but we actively dodge her invitations to hang out and respond with one word answers to her texts in hopes of preventing a conversation. It just seems so weird that we’re inviting her to our wedding! She’s not a bad person, but she is someone we don’t enjoy being around and who we’d decline going to the movies with, only to spend all this money for her and her boyfriend to attend our reception. I know we have to invite her, because we sent her a save-the-date, but I just wish we had been a little more stingy with our guest list. There are so many people we like but just couldn’t afford to invite, and now I resent the fact that they’ll be there.
Okay, rant over. Does anyone else have this problem? Invite someone only to have your relationship change, and wish there were an Emily-Post-approved was to uninvite them?
Post # 3
If you are avoiding spending time with her then dont send her an invite. I know the etiquette gods may strike me down but seriously you dont HAVE to invite someone that you dont want at your wedding just because they got an STD 9 months b4 the wedding.. Personally I would just not invite her n pretend I 4got
Post # 4
I had a situation that was similar. I did what everyone will say is completley awful. I didn’t send the invitation. I didn’t care what etiquette said, I didn’t want her there and that was it.
Post # 5
That is a tough one. We had that happen with friends we were close with but then weren’t when the time for the wedding came around. We still sent them an invitation knowing they most likely wouldn’t accept and they didn’t. But it sounds like she trys to stay in contact with you. I’d keep up with the one word texts and denying hanging out and hope she gets the hint. However, maybe you should just invite her. I don’t know, I’d feel embarassed if I ever ran into her and she was like, Oh how come I didn’t get an invite to your wedding. Or she might just come out and ask when it gets close to her wedding if you’ve sent the invites out. Then what would you say, “yes, but you’re no longer invited?” Sorry you’re in such a bind.
Post # 6
Yeah I don’t think I could get away with just not sending an invite, because she’s already talked about hotel rooms and whatnot. And it’s not like she’s done something so egregious as to justify officially uninviting her. But I hate that after all this planning and effort and after all the cuts we made to our list, that I have to invite this girl we don’t like being around. Grrr. Our own damn fault.
Post # 7
I would send them an invite. You will be so busy talking to everyone and paying attention to each other that you will not be spending very much time with them anyway. Hopefully she will not bring the attitude to a wedding, and you never know, they may not even show up.
Post # 8
I agree, you won’t be sitting on each others laps so hopefully she won’t bug you too much while she’s there!
Post # 9
I’m in the “don’t invite her” camp. On a special day like that, I want to be surrounded by the people I enjoy, not the ones I invite out of obligation.
Post # 10
Do you feel comfortable telling her that due to the economy you have had to make drastic cuts to your invitation list and that it pains you to have to cut out people, but it is a necessity and you have to downsize your wedding unexpectedly.
And leave it at that. The earlier you tell her the better.
I’m sure if money were not an issue, you would invite more people, so it is the truth.
Post # 11
Send the invite. Chances are you won’t even notice she’s there. You will be to busy with everything else.
Post # 12
I’d say if you’re going to notice her presence at the wedding in a negative way, don’t invite her. If she asks about it, act surprised and use the ol’ “must have gotten lost in the mail” excuse. You’ll have to invite her verbally then–it’d be super jerky not to since you DID send the STD–but there’s also a good chance you’ll be able to avoid her to the point that she won’t have the chance to ask.
Wow, I feel like sort of a heartless bitch for even writing that.
Post # 13
You’re going to be so busy on your wedding day, you’ll probably hardly notice them there. I would send them an invite. You’re not stuck with her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man or anything.
Post # 14
I love this thread and your responses!
My fiance did a bit of over-inviting on his list, but out of guilt I did not push him to forgo the invites. I do, however, keep my fingers crossed that a few of these folks decide not to come to the wedding.
Seriously, if you are no longer need this person in your life — and you are sure you won’t change your mind — forget about inviting her.
Post # 15
Reading all of these STD nightmares have made me decide that we’re ONLY sending them to family. I would probably still invite her because I’m pretty passive and I HATE confrontation. Yes, I hate confrontation so much that I’d cough up the extra $200 to invite her and her bf and call it loss.. Blah, I cringe reading your story, because I can totally see that being me..
Post # 16
Hi. You know these other women do have a point. You may or may not notice her. You could use the line “it got lost in the mail.” If you are posting photos on face book; if other people will, and you feel comfortable with your decision not to invite her, do as you wish. But be prepared to be able to face the music if she confronts you. You could cut your losses and invite her and spend the $; but don’t invite her plus one, of course unless she’s married or engaged. That may deter her from coming. If she calls you on not inviting plus 1, then you can give the ‘money is tight’ and ‘we are in a recession’ monologue.
Please do get back because I am subscripted to this post and want to know how it all worked out. Thank you and best wishes.