Post # 1
So unfortunatly my Fiance didn’t really inform me on his family dynamics, he has a sister that I sent a Save the Date to, but after sending it out, I was informed by many of his family members that this person is “person non grata” I have about five of his family members telling me that they will not attend if this person is there. (his mom, two sisters, and a few others) It is caused by a big problem that has been kept in the family for years, that I never knew of. I want his mother and two sisters there, but it just feels really really rude that I sent a save the date and not to send an invite…please make me feel better!!!!
Post # 3
Has anyone spoken to the black sheep sister? You or your fiance? I think it depends on his relationship with her. And maybe she wouldn’t feel comfortable going anyways.
But seriously, his Mom would skip his own wedding if he hosts his own sister? I can’t pretend to know or understand the family dynamics, but the situation seems to go way deeper than standard etiquette issues.
Wish I could be of more help. Best of luck!
Post # 4
It’s hard to say without knowing the history. I do think that it would be pretty rude to send a save the date, and not send an invite. If you do decide not to invite her, I think you or your fiance owe her a phone call explanation. I would try giving things a week or two to settle down, and then try approaching your fiance’s mother about the situation. Tell her you already sent a save the date, and ask her to be supportive of you & your fiance’s decision (whatever that is).
I have a similar situation with my fiance’s uncle. He’s also the black sheep of the family and we were debating whether or not to invite him. In the end, we decided that if we didn’t invite him, he would show up out of spite and make a scene. If we didn’t there was only like a 50% chance he’d show, and if he did he would probably play nice. If the situation with his sister is really that bad, chances are she will decline to come anyways.
Post # 5
I do agree that it would be really rude to not send an invitation after you sent a save the date. I guess you have to decide if it’s worth being seen as rude to one sister, or placating the rest of the family. Tough spot – good luck figuring it out!
Post # 6
Thank you ladies, I agree with the rest of the family after hearing the full story of what happened to cause the “Black sheep status” it was pretty serious, I think that I am going to send her a letter explaining the situation, a phone call may not work. There is a chance that if she gets an invite she will show up in spite so I think it is better to address the situation head on.
Post # 7
@alishia.prichard: Save the Dates are pretty modern. They can be viewed as an informal invitation – asking the person to pencil in the date of the wedding and not plan anything that might interfere, OR they can be seen as an engagement announcement. However, since most Save-The-Date Cards include a phrase similar to “Formal invitation to follow” not sending an invitation is considered rude. – But the impact is usually that the person feels snubbed and your relationship suffers. If the relationship with FI’s sister is already in bad shape, and she’s been ostracized, then you can’t really make it worse. (So in your case, I would respect the family and not follow up with an invitation.)
In order to preserve your relationship with the rest of you Future In-Laws, you may want to double check that they don’t have an issue with you sending a letter to the sister. (There’s a rift in my FI’s family, and if I were to contact the offenders, even to explain a mistep and to to rescind an invitation, my Future Mother-In-Law and my Fiance would be very hurt and deeply offended.) If they would rather you didn’t mail a letter, see if they have a better suggestion for making sure she doesn’t turn up at your wedding.