(Closed) Save the Dates/ Death in the family

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

mrscbb82 :  I wouldn’t include his name – it could be taken the wrong way, like “how does she not know he passed away?” I’d give it a few weeks and then send it to her. You could also ask her if she’d like a +1 (if you were counting her late husband in your count anyway) in order to bring a friend, and include them on the invite, if she wants that.

 

Post # 3
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

If its an STD, I’d just include her name.

Post # 4
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

As in, you’re planning on sending everyone else’s before hers? That sounds like it could backfire in a big way. Imagine if she talked to someone who already received theirs. She would be left to assume you didn’t send her one, or come to you and ask an incredibly awkward question (I’m invited.. right?) She’s a big girl and will handle grief however she needs to. I don’t think you need to coddle her.

I’m also one of those people who gets incredibly frustrated/embarassed when people try to “spare my feelings”, though. She might be different.

Post # 5
Member
5057 posts
Bee Keeper

mrscbb82 :  My father passed away and I addressed their invite to my mom only. But I included him on the invite intro with her blessing. I would send hers with everyone else’s. And I would also send her a sympathy card with flowers or something. As painful as it is, it’s nice to have your beloved remembered. 

 

That said I found it infuriating to get mail with his name on it from places that already knew he had passed. I know logically they didn’t have time to update their database but many feelings in grief don’t make sense. So I would only put her name on it. 

 

You sound like a caring friend, even if it’s not said I’m sure she appreciates the effort. 

Post # 6
Member
5057 posts
Bee Keeper

mrscbb82 :  oh and don’t be afraid to mention the deceased. I found it hard when people acted like my father didn’t exist. Also that said. I’m going to disagree slightly on the plus one. Word it so it sounds like she can take a friend with her not a date. 

Post # 8
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Just include her name. But still her married last name and still Mrs. 

Post # 9
Member
13707 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Don’t put his name – that would be cruel.  But perhaps you could hand-deliver it to her and acknowledge her loss.  It’ll be a difficult conversation, but I think it would be one best had in person.

Post # 10
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I actually would send the save the date inside a blank card. I’d just write a little note that you wanted to send the save the date, but also to let her know that you were thinking of her. It might, as has been suggested, even be nice to go see her, take her for coffee, etc., and give it to her then. She might appreciate just knowing that you are thinking of her. Closer to the time of the wedding, I’d let her know that you would really like her to attend if she is feeling up to it and that she is welcome to bring someone. With a big event like that, she’d probably like the support.

Post # 11
Member
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I would put her name alone with Mrs and send hers at the same time as everyone else. I’m sure she’d appreciate a distraction and it avoids any conflicts because you did it correctly. Maybe send some flowers and card to show your condolences as well? It would show you’d like her to attend your wedding but you’re also thinking about her in her difficult time. I know it’s a tricky situation but adding his name or doing something obvious would just make the situation trickier

Post # 12
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

We didn’t use formal addresses for save the dates, so they just said “Steve and Mary Smith” “Bob and Jane Jones” etc. (although ours were very casual postcards, I suppose if you’re have more fancy/formal Save-The-Date Cards you may want to do Mrs, etc. In that case, I’d put “Mrs. Mary Smith”. 
I do like PP suggestion of placing inside a card with a note, or hand delivering to acknowledge her loss, and offer to catch up/check in with her. 

Post # 13
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I sent our save the dates and a few weeks later, my aunt passed away. We hadn’t been incredibly close, but it’s still a family member dying so it wasn’t easy. I still haven’t brought myself to taking her off our guest list counter.  

Hold off. Invite her in person. Heck even tell her in person that you can’t bring yourself to inviting just her on paper. I’m sure she’d understand.  Shes dealing with so many more emotions than you can imagine. 

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