(Closed) Saw some messages on his phone, now I am heartbroken (LONG)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First I am sooo sorry that you are going thru this (( HUGS ))

It surely cannot be easy

This is the NUMBER ONE REASON that I can think of that couples should not be having one-on-one friendships with members of the opposite sex where the other partner is not present **

Inappropriate things do happen… be they in writing, words, or actions… and people get hurt as a result of it.

Your Fiancé could be right, in that he was trying to find something “supportive” to say to the girl who was having her own relationship issues…

But the fact is, the words are now out there… and the chips will fall as they will… he cannot take back those words… no matter what he does now

He has to live with them (and the consequences)… He knows them, She knows them, and now you know them

The dynamic of the relationship you have with him will now forever be changed… as will be the one he has with her, and you with her (and also the one you have with him having with her).  THAT IS A FACT !!

Despite what he may think in his head (cold feet, uncertainty, second-guessing, worry) WHATEVER… he should NEVER have expressed these thoughts / feelings to ANYONE ELSE than you.

He has broken a boundary in your Relationship that should be CLEAR & RIGID

He needs to realize that the best way to deal with issues within a Relationship is to do exactly that DEAL WITH THEM WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP

Or a Counsellor’s Office… don’t deal with them out in public… and don’t share them with others (Friends / Family) despite the urge to do so…

As that sh!t always comes back to bite you on the @ss

Clearly tho easier said than done… as we’ve all been no doubt guilty at times of oversharing stuff about our SOs with others IRL.

Where to go from here…

Well I suggest that you two go get some Couple’s Counselling to come to grips (and hopefully move on) from what has been said / trust broken… and make sure that this Marriage is the right thing for both of you.

AND ALSO to work on Boundaries… either to create some for your relationship or reinforce those that you expect to be working for you

** Mr TTR & I have many friends of both sexes… BUT we also have an agreement on what are appropriate boundaries.  We don’t see opposite sex friends solo… we just don’t.  We either see them in a group, as couples (2 + 2) or them as a solo and us as a couple.  It isn’t that we don’t trust each other… I trust Mr TTR implicitly… BUT having been around this world so long (I am over 50 and he is over 60) we’ve seen our share of Relationships / Marriages that have been compromized when someone says or does something inappropriate… you can only control you.  You cannot control what someone else says or does… and so to INSULATE ourselves as much as possible from that happening with some outsider, we just agreed to a boundary where all interaction with members of the Opposite Sex is out in the open, above board… there is no socializing alone, emails, phone calls or texts.  Just doesn’t happen.  Period

I do hope that you and your Fiancé can find a way thru this mess… and that it has a “reasonable explanation”

Otherwise, I’d be really apprehensive about marrying a man that feels he is “settling” for me.  That isn’t something you want starting out in a marriage at the time when you two should truly be your happiest.

I have seen a Man who is head over heels in LOVE… it is one of the greatest sights on earth… it is what every woman DESERVES… and should have.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 18
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Ugh.  What a horrible thing to find.  Without knowing you or him, I feel like his response to you is “backpedaling.”  Those are some pretty strong statements to make.  I wouldn’t marry him without going to counseling.  You need to feel 100% like he is telling you the truth before marrying him.  Otherwise, this will always be in the back of your mind.  

Post # 19
Member
9126 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

How awful – I’m very sorry.

I echo PPs who wonder if THIS girl could be who he’s talking about re: “the one who you really love” etc?

I’ve been with my guy for over a decade and I know that on a very rade occasion, he hates my guts – but he would never think or say that he’s “settling”. A fight or not, you still know your soulmate is your soulmate, even if you literally hate them for the moment.

Hugs to you!

Post # 20
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

My heart breaks for you…. I have no idea how you can come back from that. I can forgive and work through a lot of things but to find out Fiance says he’s settling with me is not one of them. 

Post # 21
Member
1122 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@theplife:  sometimes we tell people who are hurting (his friend) what they want or need to hear.  If you spoke with him and he promised you he was committed, then I would believe him.  I’m sorry it hurt you so bad, he will need to step up his game over the next few weeks, but I believe you will be okay.  

Post # 22
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m sooo sorry! I can imagine how hurt you must be.  I think it’s unacceptable that he said those things about you and your relationship.  Even if he regrets now and is remorseful now, he must have felt an ounce of that feeling of settling at some point, otherwise, he wouldn’t have said that.

I would advice to try and talk it through with him, put your engagement on hold for a bit, and see if your relationship improves and the trust rebuild… 

Give your relationship a chance still, but only if you truly can work through this together and you won’t be forever bothered by the fact that he said all that stuff and that you always feel like the girl he settled with….

Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
6 posts
Newbee

I almost teared up reading your post. I wish I could be a shoulder for you because no woman, or no person for that matter, deserves to go through something like this with their SO.

 
I think it’s normal to have doubts every once in a while and to have a grass is greener on the other side moment. However for a man to voice that out to a woman friend unsettles me. I personally wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it. 
 
I think that only you can make the decision on what to do next. You are in love with him and it’s so easy for me to say you deserve better leave him…but I don’t feel the other end of it. As with any fight or trouble, you have to decide if you can move past it. 

 
I know I am not being too helpful but I do hope you find some comfort soon. *hugs*

Post # 24
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yikes, that’s a tough one. Very, very hard to come to terms with. Your shock, and feelings of being heartbroken, are no doubt what any of us would feel.

Where to go from here is a very tough question. Counseling would no doubt help, but I’m not so sure I would go for couples counseling right away. I think you could use some shoring up and perspective before you try to decide what your next steps will be. I’d leave him out of it for now.

Although he says he’s sorry – is he sorry because he didn’t mean it, or sorry because you found out? Although it’s not uncommon for people to say things they don’t mean when they’re angry, things said or texted in calm conversation are much more likely to be accurate representations of how we feel.

If this man was really in love with you, I mean really, head over heels in love with you, he would NEVER say such things, not to anybody, and certainly not to make someone else feel better (give me a break – I call B.S. on that one!). When a man really adores a woman, it would be like breaking a sacred trust to say something so cruel about her. So I think you’ll have to face the fact that yes, he feels like he’s “settling” to marry you.

So the question you have to grapple with is – is that enough for you? Are you willing to settle for a man who doesn’t truly, deeply love you, but is marrying you because he’s afraid the woman of his dreams will never appear? For some women, this might be acceptable. For me, it absolutely would not be. But only you can answer the question for yourself.

 

Post # 25
Member
1268 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1994

I’m sorry hun. Sounds tough. I do think though maybe he could have meant that the ideal picture perfect person will never come along. Lots of people have expectations, and that ‘perfect’ imaginary person doesn’t exist.

Post # 26
Member
2914 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@theplife:  ((Hugs)) Those are such painful words, and I can understand why you feel like the trust is broken. I don’t think you need to decide anything right this second. Just let yourself feel the hurt to let it out. Take that time for yourself, and let your Fiance worry about himself for now. When the initial pain and shock wear off, you will know in your heart what needs to happen. It might be a complete acceptance of your FI’s apology. It might be a need for some counseling to get work through the situation then come out stronger. Unfortunately, it might also be walking away. Only you know the full story of your relationship. However, like I said, you need to give yourself time to get to the right place for you.

Re: the fact that your Fiance confided this to a woman – for me at least, it wouldn’t matter at this point. If my husband said those words to a guy friend, I would still be pretty devastated. If you think this woman friend of his is an issue, then address that. If you know she isn’t, I wouldn’t create any extra problems. 

Post # 27
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

What cruel words he wrote to another girl 🙁  I am sorry you have to deal with this.  The only words I can think to write is based on just what you wrote I’d say YOU deserve better…don’t settle for HIM.

Post # 28
Member
401 posts
Helper bee

My mouth literally made an ‘O’ as I kept reading. Whether it was a month ago, or a day ago…he still said it. I would definitely pull the E brake on the wedding planning until this gets sorted out.

I know that he may be remorseful, but like PP said, it sounds like he’s back pedaling.

If I were in your situation, I’d take a bit of a break….make him see what it’s like without you, he may be comfortable and taking advantage of you. Me and SO didn’t value eachother until we took a break and we both thought that was that, we lost one another…then when we got back, things were completely different for the best!

I’m so sorry for your hurt and wish you the best and everything to work out well *hug*

Post # 29
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’m so sorry. That’s awful. While I agree that we all sometimes feel like we’re settling (and that everyone does settle “in a way” because there is no perfect person), it is an extremely hurtful sentiment and should never have been expressed to anyone other than perhaps you or a relationship counselor.

I feel like I’m probably playing devil’s advocate here, but I have played up negative aspects of my relaitonship to help a friend feel better before. I would never say that I was “settling” but I have discussed minor relationship fears as if they were prevelant than they were in order to help a friend open up. Is it possible that that’s what he was doing? It would still definitely crossing a major line to say the things he said, but is it possible that he at least doesn’t feel that way?

I’m probably alone in this, too, but I feel like if you don’t think that the person he was talking to is the person he “really loves,” then I wouldn’t be any more offended than if he had said it to a man. If there was never anything romantic between the two of them and the messages they exchanged said nothing about having (or having had) romantic feelings, then it’s the same as if he said it to a close male friend going through relationship struggle. If we’re not allowed to have close friends of the gender we’re attracted to, then bisexual people could never have any friends!

This is something that the two of you will definitely have to work through, but I don’t think that it’s worth throwing away a good relationship. Relationships are work, whether we like to admit it or not, and if he’s willing to work with you to get past this and become a stronger couple, then the ball is in your court. He’s not wrong that sometimes you have to make the choice to love the person you’re with (even though it was said in a very inappropriate conversation), because no one is 100% in love all the time, and I don’t believe in ‘one true love’ so much as I believe in good matches and good effort.

Although, if you think he was actually cheating, kick him to the curb. It’s one thing for him to express some frustration about your relationship to a close friend while wanting to be with you and work to improve your relationship. It’s a completely differnt thing to go behind your back and make romantic hints/overtures towards someone else.

Post # 30
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am so, so, so sorry! That is just an awful thing to have happened to you but I truly believe taht certain things happen to us for a reason. It is better that you discovered this entire situation now and not a month or a year or whatever after you had married this man.

First of all, why is he having such an intimate conversation with this woman? Do you know her? If so, I certainly would have a serious talk with her and I would tell her to find someone else to talk to besides your Fiance. I would ask her how she would feel if she found out another woman was talking in such an intimate and serious way to her boyfriend? I would confront this woman if she was my sister, my best friend, my futur sister in law, I wouldn’t care who she was. She would hear from me.

I don’t think you will ever be able to forget what your Fi said. He may be a real nice man and you may think you love him to bits, but I think if you continue with this person you will always live in hope, hope that he does truly love you, hope that he has not settled for you, hope that he regrets what he has said, hope, hope, hope and despite that, you will always have some resentment towards thim for saying what he said.

It is up to you to decide what to do, that is, stay with him or not, but if this had happened to me, I really don’t think I could continue being with this person for the moment no matter how difficult it would be for me to leave him. I don’t know if I would completely let him out of my life, but I certainly would not be making plans to marry him, I would find my own place to live until I really, really felt in my heart that he is and that I am a hundred percent sure that our life together is possible.

Big hugs to you.

 

 

Post # 31
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@lauraashley09:  I agree. I could never ever feel special in his eyes again. I would leave him unfortunately

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