(Closed) Saw some messages on his phone, now I am heartbroken (LONG)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
507 posts
Busy bee

I would actually leave him – if it were me. Oddly, I always have believe that I could forgive my SO for cheating. This is more of an emotional issue though, and one that is hard to get over – it really goes to how he feels about his relationship with you. I don’t know if you should leave him, since it is not my relationship. Still, I would likely walk out and be willing to take him back if and only if he made the effort to win me back over and treated me with respect. Anything less would leave me too uncertain.

Post # 33
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Well if he believes hes settling then let him go. As hard as it is do you want to be with a man who doesn’t think you’re the one?

Post # 34
Member
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Ouch!  I don’t think I could get past this.

Post # 35
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I could never ever forget this.  I wouldn’t be able to move on any further in the relationship. 

Post # 36
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Wow, that is just awful. 

I do think though, that we all sort of “settle” in some way. There will always be that imaginary perfect person: someone smarter /funnier /humbler /kinder/ better looking/more successful than our current SO. But we stop looking for that person because we’re already happy and choose to love the person we’re with.

Post # 37
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t be able to forget this.

Fiance and I have been together for nearly 5 years, living togehter for 3+ years, and in all that time I have NEVER thought that I was settling. I feel so lucky to have him, and he is without a shadow of a doubt the love of my life.

I have a friend who’s in a pretty miserable relationship of almost 8 years… and I have had MANY conversations about her problems. I am supportive and listen to her, but it would never even occur to me to be “supportive” by telling her that “I am settling too”. I simply tell her that I don’t think her relationship will ever get better, and that it’s better to leave now before kids come into the picture. I also tell her that what I have with my Fiance is truly wonderful, and I want the same for her.

Basically, I don’t believe for a second that OP’s guy told the friend that he was settling too just to be supportive. I don’t think he’d say that unless he actually meant it.

Post # 38
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

@theplife:  

No, I’ve never been through this exact situation. But if I were in that situation, those words would ring in my ears forever.

I am fairly certain that I could never forget something like that, make peace with it or get over it.

I would end the relationship, to be honest.

Life is short. Despite your fiance’s declarations that he didn’t really mean it — those are absolutely not the words of a man in love.

Post # 39
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@theplife:  people say a lot of things when they are mad. It doesn’t mean they are true. If you hadn’t been in a fight then I’d be concerned but I don’t think you have to worry.

Post # 40
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@aliavenue:  +1. Everyone “settles.” It’s either that or just keep looking for the rest of your life to see if you find anything better. You find a person you can envision the rest of your life with and who you love so you either look for someone better or commit. 

The issue I see is that he said this to some girl who was fighting with her partner. Is she the one he really loves? It doesn’t sound like he was making a reference to an invisible person. I’d never settle while I knew there was someone better for me but I wouldn’t spend my life trying to find something that may not exist. 

Post # 41
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I’d be walking.  Settle?  Please.  I don’t want anyone who would “settle” for me.  And I certainly wouldn’t settle for someone. 

Post # 42
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@theplife:  this was totally inappropriate, and it sounds like he could have been implying to the sender that he was really in love with HER, but is settling because it will never happen.

Maybe that’s a big assumption, but it was a  immediate reaction. I’m so heartbroken for you right now, this is not what anyone deserves 2 weeks after an engagement.

Some space to clear your head and counseling if you’d like to continue with this engagment. But healing will take lots of time. Perhaps more than a year… the last thing you want to have happen on your wedding day is to be second guessing if he thinks you are the one while walking down the aisle, that is so unfair to you.

Post # 43
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

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@This Time Round:  that is what works for you. I could never do that. All of my close friends are male. I just get along better with them. If I couldn’t do dinner with them, I would be miserable. I also work with mostly makes because I’m in the engineering fields. Fiance works with mostly women and had friends of both genders. They go to dinners and drinks and dancing.

We trust each other and we trust our friends. Wr are honest with each other about what happens and we know our boundaries, but it should be perfectly acceptable to have friends of the opposite gender assuming you surround yourself with good people.


To the OP, I’m sorry this happened. I think I would have a hard time believing him and trusting him. Just because the words were said during a fight doesn’t make them acceptable. When I fight with my Fiance, I don’t say things like that. Actually I’m very careful not to say anything that might make him or us look bad. I don’t know what I would do but I wish you luck and strength. *hugs*

 

Post # 44
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

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@shadesofviolet:  I have messages from last year on my phone. 

Post # 45
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

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@MrsPanda99:  +1, they don’t call it “settling down” for nothing lol. There were a few times in my relationship that I questioned whether I was settling, if he was the right person for me, etc., but I think you should ask those questions. You have to think about those things and ask those questions to truly find the answer. If this was the first time that happened, OP, I’d try to forgive him and work through it. Maybe try counseling if you’d like. I don’t think he’s in love with her, but who knows? Counseling may help clear up that whole situation. He may come clean on his own if he has anything to come clean about. I know if I had feelings for someone else, I couldn’t hold it in… I’d tell my SO immediately. 

Post # 46
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@This Time Round:  That would never work for me.  I work in a male dominated industry and have loads of male friends and colleagues.  My SO has no jealous tendencies because he trusts me (gasp! What a concept!).  I go out, have drinks after work, attend out of town meetings as a group, and nothing happens.  Trust me, I do not find them remotely romantic.  I know their spouses/SOs, kids, etc.  These guys are just like the brothers I never wanted.  How do you have romantic thoughts about someone you see as a brother figure?  That is just … ewwwwwww. 

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