(Closed) Saw some messages on his phone, now I am heartbroken (LONG)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@Ellicott:  I actually agree with you 100%…

It isn’t about not trusting those within the Marriage / Relationship (in your case, you & your SO) it is about not trusting your Marriage with outsiders.

You might not be attracted to the men… but what if they are attracted to you and do or say something inappropriate… that is what can ruin a friendship for sure… and cause issues within your Marriage / Relationship perhaps as well.

Just not worth it IMO

Hence WHY we have the Boundary we do have… it works for us.  YMMV tho.

 

Post # 48
Member
534 posts
Busy bee

I would take a break from him. That would help put things in perspective. Does he really want you? Do you really want him? If he thinks the grass is greener, I’d let him go (as a break, not break up. I.e. still together so no cheating) for a couple weeks, no contact. It would be hard but I wouldn’t be able to get what he said out of my head otherwise. I’d need the break and for him to decide he isn’t settling and does want me. 

Post # 49
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Rossino Castle

I would walk.I would never be able to believe that he really want to be with me.I would forever think that he feels he’s settling.I wouldn’t be able to live like that.I’m so sorry.

Post # 50
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

Were you actually having issues when he sent those texts? That would determine the answer for me.

Post # 51
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@HisMoon:  +1 on the fact that it would be just as hurtful when said to a man. I really don’t understand all the PPs on here who are acting like it’s somehow automatically worse that he said it to woman. Unless it’s a woman that the OP has had some cause for concern over before, I really don’t see how it makes a difference. My Fiance has a close female friend, and if he said hurtful things about me to her, it would be no worse than if he had said them to his brother.

 

Of course, I’m just as baffled by all the people telling her to walk because of one hurtful thing that was said, possibly in anger…

Post # 52
Member
13360 posts
Honey Beekeeper

In no way  would or could a man write something like this to an intimate woman friend and live to be another day with me.  I’d be the one settling then. 

Usually I think it’s impossible to give advice when you don’t know the people or both sides, but in this case his words seem to have quite  a specific meaning.  If he were just mad or frustrated about a fight or even a pattern of them, it’s far more likely he’d be focusing on YOU and the situation, not  there’s a specific someone ELSE  out there he can’t be with so he’s had to love the one he’s with.  What,  conveniently skips over that part of the message as if it didn’t exist?  And the fact that he told all this to a third party, a close woman friend, and spins things as your misinterpretation of a vent is every bit a betrayal of its own. 

Like PP, I wonder if this was a fishing line, and  that this woman is the one he’s got the feelings for.  Perhaps he thought he  could never have her, but when she had the  fight with her SO, he grabbed the chance to see if there was some last minute shot at it.  Maybe once it became clear that he did not,that’s how  he ended up engaged to you two weeks later. The evidence certainly raises that question. 

If you two were married with many years invested, I’d say it would be a tough road but counseling could be the way to go.  But as a newly engaged couple, I would never take this risk.  I would never believe or trust again after a betrayal like this no matter how hard he tried to spin things or tell me I didn’t read those words and he didn’t “mean them.” And  I would not need a third party to tell me so.

Post # 53
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

i would not marry a man who ever would say he was “settling” for me.  I deserve to be “The One.”  And so do you.  If you go through with the marriage, how can you ever feel comfortable knowing that he won’t leave you if the woman he considers “The One” comes along?  I just couldn’t do it.  

 

Post # 54
Member
1988 posts
Buzzing bee

I could care less if this was said to a male or a female friend. To me, and I repeat to ME that is a non issue… Unless this was a previous partner of my SO.  Boundaries can be different in each relationship because what works for one might not work for another and vice versa. In my relationship for example we have friends of both sexes. And I have one man that is SUPER close to me. However, there is zero attraction between us. And the other thing is I see these guys alone in public places. Out in the open. And we don’t drink so we are always in control of our actions. Not once I’ve had one of them cross a line and that would certainly end the friendship.

The issue for me would be 100% what he wrote. I don’t think I could ever get over those words. Nor would I want to. After reading those words from him, staying would then turn into ME SETTLING into something that is waaaay less than what I want for my future and what I deserve. And I certainly believe I deserve a man that wants to be with me because he is absolutely in love and thinks and believes I’m the partner to build and share his life with. 

OP I know you must be feeling a storm right now in your mind and heart. Take time if you need to clear your thoughts and compose yourself. And once you’ve figured your course of action, please please don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve and want in a partner. 

Best wishes

Post # 55
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Being honest with myself, I would definitely try to make things work through communication and really asking questions and getting their answers.

 

However, I would probably never forget those words.

 

Post # 56
Member
13360 posts
Honey Beekeeper

There is no justification, no matter how angry he might have been in the moment, if that was even the case,  for writing those words. I think it’s worth noting that was not, apparently someone with cold feet, and not someone speaking like someone who is angry or doubting himself.  These are the words of someone who is very determined to go ahead despite the fact that he does not have the feelings he ought to have for his Fiance.  Two very, very different things.

Post # 57
Member
13360 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@theplife:  “He also said that there was no one else for him, and that his comment about not being with the person he really loves was simply advice for his friend.”

This part  is especially incredible. At least the way you have repeated it, it couldn’t be more clear that that’s not what he meant when he wrote those words. It’s especially disingenuous because he admits he wrote it when he was mad at you.  He can’t have it both ways. 

Post # 58
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

@theplife:  

What a stupid hurtful thing for your Fiance to say! I do believe what he said about saying it in anger when he was feeling upset after your fight. It was just a stupid thoughtless thing to do and it probably just made him feel better at the time. He probably had no intention of you seeing it and didn’t think that sending it to your friend was very inappropriate. 

Now this is out in the open you can turn this situation around. You now have an excellent opportunity to strengthen your relationship. You both need to take time out to really appreciate each other and he needs to earn your trust back. Go on some romatic dates, do fun things together, complement each other. Whatever makes you feel good. Talk about your feelings and talk about why you love each other. Bringing this stuff to the front of your mind will really repair and help your relationship. You just need some time to enjoy each other and be reminded of why you want to be married. 

This hurts now, but don’t listen to people telling you to break it off with him. That’s a total overreaction. Marriage has lots of ups and downs and you are going to hurt each other’s feelings occasionally, you need to learn to how deal with it and move on together. 

I would make sure that he knows texting your friend was ridiculous. He does have a right to talk about his feelings, but his choice of outlet was not good. I would also suggest that he takes a little time out before he talks to anyone after you next have a fight. It sounds like he’s the type of person that can act a little rashly and needs some time to cool off before getting on his phone! 

About your friend, don’t even mention it. If she brings it up, just explain the situation and move on. In the end, it doesn’t matter what she things, what matters is your strong relationship. 

 

Post # 59
Member
3051 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Ouch. Trying to put myself in your shoes, I would ask a million questions and pay very very close attention to his relationship with her. Maybe he’s in love with her? Maybe he WAS just trying to console her and also was pissed at you and really fucked up. The engagement period would most certainly be extended though.

My SO & I have had a couple fights (nothing like this but just in general) where I’ve questioned if we’re ready to get engaged. I would much much much rather wait and be certain than hope I have it figured out & go ahead with it.

I’m so sorry he did this. That’s just not something you’ll ever forget. I do agree with the PP that said at some point most people at least QUESTION if they’re settling. I don’t think I’m settling with my SO, I don’t think there’s anyone in this world who could make me happier and complete me the way she does…but have I ever wondered during a particularly bad argument? Questioned if I’m being niave because I’m young & inexperienced? Yep I definitely have. The fact that he voiced his concerns/anger to someone else is not okay though. Not in the way he did it

Post # 60
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I know people think some stupid shite whilst cross with their SO/FI/DH. I know my husband and I have. What truly bothers me is your Fiance said this junk to someone else, ‘close’ female no less.  This pisses me off no end.  It is that fact that makes me wonder what his true feelings are. 

If my husband did this, I would have to take at least an emotional break to process this occurance. I would go through a grief process of sorts. I would also ask him, either he truly wants to be with me, or not. NO settling.  And if he does truly want to be with me, then he needs to SHOW IT to the point I have ZERO doubts. This would take time and more than a modicum of efforton his part. How the hell would he feel if you said such things about him to a ‘close’ male friend?  

I truly feel for you *hugs*  You deserve to be with someone for whom you are the only answer. 

Post # 61
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

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@IheartUFC:  +1  This is the type of break of which I am speaking. Emotionally, I would have already started to pull back. 

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