(Closed) Saw some messages on his phone, now I am heartbroken (LONG)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee

I’m so sorry! That is just awful. For me personally, I don’t think I could ever forgive something like that. It’s one thing for her him to think it once in anger, but to speak those words to someone else, is just too hurtful to forgive. 

Post # 63
Member
4435 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@theplife:  I’m really sorry:( I don’t think I could ever move past this- what kind of explanation could he possibly give to justify such words? I would cut your losses and move on. *hugs*

Post # 64
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@theplife:  that is awful, I’m so sorry 🙁

I don’t really know what to say. SO and I have fights from time to time, but even then, I would never think those words, let alone say them to anyone – especially someone of the opposite sex. I never confide in anyone after an argument or bad mouth SO (I may confide or rant to people here, but never to people I know) – that is something that is between us. Every couple has their disagreements, they get mad with each other, but telling someone you’re ‘settling’ is something you just can’t take back. That’s out there now – true in his eyes or not.

There are ways to be supportive to friends going through problems, but you don’t need to use yourself and your relationship as an example. Especially when then things you say are going to be devastating to the partner when they find out, and there is that betrayal of loyalty by airing doubts to someone else that they have never once raised with you. The fact that it’s messages means that he’s put some thought into what he’s said.

I think you should talk to him, tell him how you feel about this – betrayed, hurt, you feel he’s disloyal, and the doubts you now have because you don’t want to be the girl he’s ‘settled’ for because he ‘can’t be with the one he loves’. If he didn’t mean those things, he shouldn’t have said them. Also, his friendship with this girl is totally inappropriate. When someone in the couple has friends of the opposite sex that they correspond with, a good guideline to what’s appropriate is ‘would my partner be upset with what I’ve said, does this betray any trust or loyalty?’. If the answer is yes, it’s not appropriate.

As for what you do now – play it by how you feel. Those words are very hard to get past, they can’t be unsaid or rationalised. Personally, I wouldn’t want to stay with someone who felt that way about me. Does he treat you well otherwise? Does he show you with actions and words how he feels? Have you ever had an inkling that he felt this way?

Post # 65
Member
4846 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry, but I would call off the engagement. What he says behind your back is a true reflection about how he feels. If he’s playing a different part to your face, he can not be trusted. If he respected you at all, he would not disparage you to anyone. Life is far too short to be married to someone who sees you as something he “settled” for. 

Post # 66
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@theplife:  I actually did this, settled and married a man I didn’t love. He also settled and married a girl he didn’t love. Less than a week before he proposed (after we talked about engagement and he bought the ring) he broke up with me out of the blue. I was confused cause I thought everything was good. Two days later we got back together, he said he was just nervous about this big step he was about to take, the day after that he proposed. I was so happy to finally get out of my Mom’s house and be a married adult I didn’t even care that I was settling. Three years and 2 kids later, when everything was about as miserable as it could be, I asked him again why he broke with me before he proposed. He told me that he thought he could do better than me, then he thought some more and decided he probably couldn’t so he should just marry me. It was a horrible marriage. I had never been so lonely in my life. I really did try to be a good wife for over a year, but then everything just kind of became like “Why are we kdding ourselves?” By 3 years I didn’t want to be married anymore at all. By 3 1/2 years I said I wanted a divorce and he agreed. 

Post # 67
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@jadlnc:  Wow! That is so sad! Im sorry you had to go through this 🙁 Hope you are happy now <3

Post # 68
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

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@SoonToBee2013:  Most definitely! I am madly in love with Fiance, he is my one and only. And he shows me nothing, but love and kindness.

Post # 69
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@jadlnc:  So happy to hear that! You and your kids deserve someone that truly appreciate and loves you. As sad as your first post was, it is nice to see a story with an happy ending like that.

Post # 70
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

About a year and half  into our realtionship a similar situation happened with me and my now Fiance… I caught him texting a good girl friend of his and she had been saying how she felt I was controlling and not fun to be around – he had responded by pretty much agreeing with her and not knowing how to handle the situaiton – she said back “oh poor guy, go drink a beer”… I flipped out – first bc how dare some girl ( no matter how good of friends they were) think it was okay to say those things to my boyfriend and then of course i was so heart broken that it seemed like my guy felt trapped with no way out in our relationship and that he was just sucking it up AND that he was willing to share this with some girl. So i confronted him and (i really do beleive him bc this is just so him) he didn’t want to stir up a fight with her and disagree so he just went along with what she was saying so she would drop the subject. I told him how it had hurt me and how i wish he would have stuck up for us and our relationship instead of just taking the easy way out. So we worked it out but trust me it wasn’t easy and we had to work on our trust issues,

but i feel like its things like that that make you stronger. you know your fiance and you know what type of man he is – trust your gut, if you beleive he is telling the truth let that be that and try your hardest to move on.

 

Good luck!

Post # 71
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@novemberbride1987:  Unfortunately, that’s not the situation our OP is dealing with.

Your guy used a minimum of words in the hope that his friend would drop the subject, while the OP’s fiancé took the conversation to a whole new level with a lengthy discussion of the way that he feels he’s “settling” and a veiled reference to another woman who he “really loves” but can’t be with.

Neither of these conversations are good! . . . but I can see why you’d give your man a pass on his agreement with the “controlling” issue after he explained it.

But knowing that your fiancé feels like he’s settling to marry you, and that there may be another woman out there that he “really loves” but can’t be with?? It would take a person with pretty thick emotional armor to get past that – and a willingness to settle for a relationship knowing that you are at most second best.

I can’t imagine going there, ever.

Post # 72
Member
1772 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

OP, have you asked him who he really loves?  There are at least 3 problems with this- 1- it sounds like he’s saying he loves someone else (maybe the girl friend of his, but I’m not 100% sure).  2- it sounds like he’s saying he doesn’t love you.  3- he thinks that marrying you is “settling” instead of finding who he really should be with.

I just couldn’t be with him.  Maybe he’d be able to win me back eventually, but I’d have to break up with him until I felt clear and sure about those 3 things in a good way.  I’ve never said or thought anything like this about my Fiance and while we’ve had our fair share of problems, I know he’s never said or thought anything like this about me.  That is just so hurtful and has no place in an engagement or marriage.

I’m so sorry, but at least it’s better you found out now.  

I’d have some way honest conversations with him.  It helps if you act way more sure than you are (not mean or crazy, just sure)- meaning, I know you have feelings for someone else and I’m pretty sure who it is, so you might as well just be fully honest with me.  Or- there’s no chance that I’m going to be able to stay in this if you aren’t fully honest with me, so you have until x date (so whether it’s the rest of the night, a day, or a week), to just take some time and get ready to tell me everything about your second thoughts about me and your feelings for others.  If there’s any chance at all that your guy will ever be honest, you can usually bluff him into telling you stuff if you say you already know, so he might as well just come clean.   I’d probably ask him for access to all accounts and all passwords too.

Post # 73
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I honestly don’t know what I would do if I found ANYTHING like that from SO. I would be devestated beyond words. A few things:

1. I am really concerned that he is confiding in a female other than his sister, mother, etc. about your realtionship and in such a negative way. Do you know this girl? Is she trustworthy? There’s a reason he is saying these things to her. You don’t just randomly “vent” about stuff like this. If this were my SO, I would be more suspcious of why it was she he was telling this to and not others.As far as I’m concered, emotional affairs are just as detrimental to relationships and if he’s going to another woman for support and comfort, I’d be weary of trusting her. He should be able to come to you, and if he feels like he can’t, there’s an issue. If it was me, I’d cut the cord on that friendship or be more cautious of it. I like to think I’m trusting, but conversations like these are NOT okay.

2. You deserve to be cherished. You deserve to have someone who cannot believe their luck that you chose to be with them. You should have someone who wants you when you’re bitchy and mean and unlikeable, someone who is going to stand beside you through the nasty little hurtles life throws at you. His comments show a major lack of respect towards you. He is misleading you in a way and leading you on. What if he fifteen years he’s found “the one?” Will he hesistate to leave you and your potential children? Even at our WORST, I have never thought that I was settling for SO, ever. You really deserve someone who wants to be with you more than anything. And honestly, by staying with someone who doesn’t really want to be with you seems as if you are settling in your own way. 

3. I think you need to press pause on this relationship. Make him prove himself. By his own admission, he doesn’t want to search anymore for “the one” so when confronted with his words, he’s obviously going to backpeddle and be remorseful. Only you really know him. I can tell you to leave him, flip your hair, and powerwalk away and never look back, but only you know if that’s right for you. This second part of his text: He also said that ‘sometimes the person you really love is not the one that you are with’, and that ‘sometimes you have to just love the person you are with instead'” kind of sounded like he was giving HER advice, but I don’t know. Regardless, I think that you make it KNOWN that was happened was unacceptable and you are not someone who a man “settles” for. If the good in your relationship outweighs the bad, then give it a shot, no one can judge you. 

Post # 74
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so sorry you had to find out your SO feels this way.  But I’m also glad you found out now and not AFTER the wedding.  My advice would be to move on – how can you make a life with someone knowing that he thinks you’re just ok?!

I don’t believe in settling or that people that get married are “settling” in any way.  I feel incredibly lucky that I have my DH and that he loves me back as much as I love him.  The word “settle” has never crossed my mind.

I wish you all the best and that you find another man that will treat you right.  When you are saying your marriage vows you should believe 100% that he is amazed to be with you.  I know your Fiance apologized and said those words were written in the heat of the moment….but so what?  He still had the capacity to say such things!!!  The fact that it even crossed his mind says enough.

Post # 75
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

A few points…

– To some extent everyone settles. That’s the reality of life. Otherwise we would all marry philanthropic billionaires with huge 6 packs.

– Why were you looking at his phone in the first place? An important question. I wouldn’t tolerate this from DH.

BUT…

– Who does he “really love”? I would need to know this, 100%. This would really bother me.

– You should be his best friend as his future wife… so why didn’t he trust you enough to share his feelings with you, instead choosing to ***** about you behind your back?

Post # 76
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@Rachel631:  You think we’re “settling” because we’re not married to a philanthropic billionaire with a huge six pack?? Those may be your very materialistic, superficial values, but they are sure not mine, and probably not most women’s, either.

For one thing, I could never deal with the oversize ego that would come along with that!

I never for even one moment felt like I was settling when I married my husband, and I know he feels the same way – that we are so lucky to have each other.

I just feel so sad for the OP, who deserves to be cherished by a devoted husband. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem likely that she’ll be able to achieve that with this guy. The cat’s out of the bag and it’s not very likely that he’ll be successful stuffing it back in there . . .

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