(Closed) Saw some messages on his phone, now I am heartbroken (LONG)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
1417 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

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@Rachel631:  She was using his phone because hers was broken.  OP did not give the impression that she picked it up with the intention of snooping for dirt. 

I would love a billion dollars, and I think a six pack is attractive, but I don’t feel like I’m settling with my Fiance because he doesn’t have those things. 🙂  

Post # 78
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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@wahine777:  It was a joke. If you’ve read my previous posts, you’ll know that I’m actually a socialist and borderline Marxist… accumulating wealth is certainly not someting I aspire towards.

But we do settle. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband, and I don’t think our relationship is a great one. Would I change him if I could wave a magic wand? Sure. I’d make him more keen to do the ironing and change some of his political views to match mine more closely. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him how he is. But he isn’t perfect. Nobody is perfect. And sometimes when you are really mad, you think “grrr…. why did I settle for someone so bloody stubborn! There must be millions of less stubborn men out there!” Answer: because the rest of the package fitted well enough. Not perfectly, but well enough.

He’s great, but he’s not perfect. Instead of chasing perfection, which is impossible in an imperfect world anyway, then people settle. They choose imperfect mates (in part) because they themselves are imperfect. I’m not sure that that particular part of the texts would have bothered me.

Also, there’s a question of timings… I met DH at a time in my life when I was emotionally ready for a LTR, and so was he. If I had met him earlier, or later, would we be together now? I find it unlikely. We are not so much star crossed lovers as people who get on really well, share the same aspirations, and enjoy each other’s company. I’m trying to imply that I am more realist than romantic.

The bit that would have bothered me was the “not loving the one you are with”. That would have alarmed me greatly. I would need to know.

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@LMD:  “She was using his phone because hers was broken.”

Ah, I missed that part. In that case it makes more sense. Sorry.

Post # 79
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

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@Rachel631:  My apologies for not understanding your joke.

But I’m thinking it would be interesting to start a thread focusing on the idea of “settling” and what that means to people . . .

I completely disagree with the premise that because we recognize that “nobody is perfect” but marry them anyway, that we are somehow “settling.”

I see intimate relationship and marriage in a much more spiritual light.

The polar opposite of settling is the concept of striving. I believe that we are here on earth to continually strive towards the highest impulses of our spiritual being. Because we are spiritual beings inhabiting human bodies, we are not “perfect,” as that is a state reserved for the Divine. But we have a priceless opportunity for ceaseless personal effort towards that state of perfection.

Striving is an essential part of being human. We strive for excellence rather than mediocrity in our work, and we strive for betterment of humanity. In our relationships, the process of working towards perfection in relationship (even though we are unlikely to ever achieve that) is an process that allows us to experience what the catalytic power of love, coupled with the constant effort to act out of one’s highest and most noble impulses, can achieve.

So it’s not some idea of “perfection” that we look for in a mate, but rather the existence of LOVE – the kind of deep, real unconditional love founded on friendship and consciously nurtured.

That’s what concerned me when I read the OP’s heart-wrenching story. The man does not love her; he himself seems very unclear about why he’s going to marry her. To tell her that “everyone settles” isn’t really very helpful . . . and perpetuates the idea that “perfection” in a mate or a relationship is a static state that can be achieved. But it isn’t – it’s a process – two people who are deeply in love and find true joy in each other, working together through all of life’s challenges toward an ideal of intimate human relationship.

Post # 80
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

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@SoonToBee2013:  Yes, I think so too. I feel like I finally caught a break. 🙂

Post # 81
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@theplife:  I would have a hard time getting over this. Even if he apologized and bent over backwards, it would always be in the back of my mind. When things got tough in our marriage, as it does in all marriages,  I would always have the nagging doubt that he was just settling because it was “time” and I just happened to be there. That out there, somewhere, their is someone he really loved. 

Can you get that statement out of your mind? Never to let that doubt creep up and poison your thoughts? If you cant do that, you have to leave him. 

Post # 82
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2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@canadajane:  I don’t agree. Just because you don’t think your partner is a perfect human being does not mean you are “settling.” “Settling” to me is when your feelings are not really there but you force yourself to go through with a relationship because you don’t want to spend any more time looking.

Post # 83
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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@wahine777:  Oh, no… I’m definitely a striver (and agree with most of what you just said)! But part of the appeal of my relationship is that I don’t have to strive. I’m not looking for perfection, just a loving companion. It’s the stable thing that the rest of my chaotic life revolves around.

I think the rest of us were just trying to say that the settling part might not be as bad as all that. The “love” part was the part that troubled me. Very alarming.

Any updates, OP? Are you OK?

Post # 84
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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@Rachel631:  Maybe Im unrealistic but I think many people marry imperfect people because they are infatuated or in love at the time and don’t feel they are settling. That comes later when the infatuation wears off.

Post # 85
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2015

In my honest opinion, sounds like something was happening with this girl in the past, things didn’t work out and now they are just trying to “settle”. His text sounded really off. 

Post # 86
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Gardens

@theplife:  Personally, for me that would make me walk away, I would be always worried about whats been said that I hadnt read. I’d tell him to settle for his hand because thats all he deserves!!! You deserve someone you thanks god everyday that you where born!

Post # 87
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Wow, I’m so sorry. That’s not something you would say about the person you’re about to marry/just got engaged to – after having a fight or not. You deserve better, being engaged and spending the rest of your life with someone is a joyus time and it seems that he is not 100% happy. 

Post # 89
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

First i am so sorry. I am definitely going to keep you two in my prayers.

Do you think that there is any possibility that your SO and his friend may be emotionally “cheating?” I only ask because of him saying that sometimes you love someone you aren’t with. Would he be hinting at loving her?

Post # 90
Member
287 posts
Helper bee

So sorry to read this! i actually went through something similar. Although he didn’t tell women he was settling, he did in fact tell several women as well as his immediate family members “I’m dating a whore.” you see, one day he found an condom wrapper and a pair of my panties underneath the bed. The wrapper was old but he had convinced himself it wasnt. He treated me differently because of it. silent treatment, staying on the couch, etc. I gave him his space for a week then couldn’t take it anymore. I approached him about it. COME TO FIND OUT, he immediately went to his Facebook started contacting women friends and ultimately told one of them “I just want to come over and f$&k my frustrations away.” WHAT????!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it! Here was this man who was supposedly so devastated, yet talking like this????!!!! And the kicker was this: ALL I DO IS WORK. In fact I work two jobs and run my own business! Because of his trust issues due to his past, we can’t even relate like regular couples do. I Help him “step” parent his kids, support him, help him and encourage him. Yet this is the thanks I get. Smh 

 

Because of both of us bringing children into this ( we both have kids, mine are older and his are younger. With a VERY DIFFICULT mother I mought add.) and because we live together, we agreed to try to work thru it. We went to a counselor but only once. i love him but I’m very nervous. Not sure if he has it in him to let it go and treat me how I truly deserve. 

 

My advice to you: tread very carefully. If family and friends ask about your planning, fudge it if you have to for now. but when you answer be vague. Things like “it’s coming along.” should do the rock for now. Then have a SERIOUS heart to heart with him. Let him not just know that you know….let him know how knowing that info now makes you feel. Put it all out in the table. You are a great woman, always remember that. Sometimes people do or say jerky things that they wind up regretting in the end. Give yourself a personal timeline. A month, two or three? whichever amount of time you allow, make sure you reevaluate matters when that time is up. If you are currently saving for your wedding, keep saving. Just DONT plop down any money to secure anything. Reality is rough but it is what it is: if you’re not sure of him, then you can’t be sure of a date, a venue, a caterer, a nothing 🙁 And this, my dear, is supposed to be one of the most special times in your life. Let no one take that from you. Good luck, hugs and best wishes. 

 

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