(Closed) Say what? You want a plus one because why???

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 63
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@shrinkgirl: “I’m surprised to hear some say that they would never attend a wedding alone, or that they would exclude friends and loved ones at their own wedding in order to be able to give everyone a plus one.  Some brides truly can’t afford to invite everyone with a guest, and would likely prefer to have people whom they know and love at their wedding.  What is so terrible about that?”

Agreed so much!! 

View original reply
@gelaine22:  Haha, yeah, +1’s would be no problem if I had a gigantic budget to work with. 

Post # 64
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@bruinchick4: Even though I don’t disagree with anything you’ve said above, I find quite a few things therein to be wildly inappropriate for your FAQ section. First of all, you don’t actually owe anyone all these explanations. And it’s just as well because providing them makes you sound like a jerk. I’m also not giving plus-ones all willy nilly and also addressed the issue on my FAQ page. I poured over it for days trying to get the exact right wording. I don’t know if I did a perfect job, but I sure tried. Take a look if you’re interested:

 

Can I Bring a DateWe have painstakingly devised the guest list for this private event and unfortunately were not able to include everyone we know and love. Out of respect for our friends and relatives who would have loved to witness our nuptials and cannot, please do us the honor of not bringing additional guests to any official wedding events. When you enter your name in the “RSVP” tab, the page will generate all seats reserved in your honor and will allow you to accept or decline only for individuals listed in your party.  If someone who will not be attending the wedding will accompany you to [location], you are most welcome to use our room block and airline discount, but please be sure to notify the hotel of the number of room occupants at the time of booking.

Are children welcomeWe anticipate a mature atmosphere throughout the weekend and therefore hope that you will think of our wedding celebration as an opportunity to let your hair down and party like a grown-up rockstar! However, if your little one just can’t bear to miss the festivities (and really, who could blame them?) please do let us know so that the necessary arrangements can be made.  Please keep in mind that you will be solely responsible for ensuring your child’s safety for the evening.

ETA: I see you’ve changed your wording. Muuuch milder, lol. Not everybody can handle the level of directness from the first draft. And beyond that, why make yourself look rude when all you were trying to do was address someone else who was rude in the first place. Good job!

 

 

 

 

Post # 65
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

The problem with not fielding +1 questions personally and individually is that it comes off as you concerning your guests with your budget, in my opinion.

However, you know your guests and what you’re comfortable with. I hope your FAQs help to alleviate the stress that this invitation/RSVP process has caused you.

Post # 66
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@shaka:  I agree.  I’ve had Bees get upset with me because they can’t see why I won’t just cite budget problems to spare people’s feelings about not having been invited. For one thing, I don’t have any budget problems and won’t be inventing them to make people feel better and for another thing I was raised to believe that discussing one’s personal finances in mixed company is extremely common. I never EVER mention my budget to anyone, not even my parents. It’s no one’s concern.

Post # 67
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I totally understand being livid about that. We had people that we invited that we really didn’t even want to be there in the first place..who were single..and they asked for plus ones to bring some random floozy. It’s costing us about 200 per person not counting the bar. My wedding is not a night club nor a free date for you to bring some chick/guy and get them drunk on my dime. 

It wouldn’t bother me if they didn’t know any one at the wedding and didn’t want to be alone/awkward..but these people know eeeeeeeeverybody at the wedding. There’s really no reason to bring a stranger (who will know no one) just for the sake of bringing a date.

SO RUDE.

 

But I digress..

 

I would have loved to put up a FAQ, but people will still think they’re special snowflakes and ask you anyway..so I think it just may come off rude and not really help you at the end of the day anyway. I’d leave it out.

Post # 68
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

LOL:

We want all of our guests to feel comfortable and have a great time at our wedding,

But only if you can have this great time by yourself.  I sure hope you’re an excelent dance partener to yourself and won’t feel awkward at all when others are enjoing time with their dates and you’re sitting there alone.

I find you to be quite rude to your guest.  You are spending 300 per head!?  Why didn’t you cut the menue somewhere so you only spend 150 so you can invite people’s dates?  I’m sure people would rather bring a date than eat lobster alone.

Post # 69
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think you’re being a tad rude, especially with “

and how serious they are. And no…meeting them for two seconds in passing at a club/restaurant doesn’t count J”

 

if you were so interested in meeting your friend’s SO, why did you invite them for dinner or something? also, who are you to judge how serious somebody is?

 

Post # 71
Member
308 posts
Helper bee

I agree with most that the FAQ is not something for a wedding website. Just continue to deal with this annoyance 1:1. Ick, but part of planning a wedding.

@joya_aspera:  I disagree completely. I would never miss out on seeing a friend get married just because I ddidn’t get a +1. Especially if I were single, or newly in a relationship and the bride and groom didn’t know my new beau. Why would I want to entertain a +1 who doesn’t know anyone else at the wedding all night? And why would someone want to go to a wedding/reception for someone they don’t know, with a bunch of people they don’t know?

Now, if my long-time SO/FI/spouse wasn’t invited, I might wonder/inquire why. But I’d probably already know – maybe the bride/groom is a work colleague, so why would they invite my spouse?

It’s completely fine to invite a single individual to your wedding and not include a +1. Mandatory +1’s were for when ladies needed escorts to attend social functions. It’s 2013 and women don’t need an escort anymore.

In the end, I appreciate being included in someone’s special day and am perfectly capable of attending the event on my own.

Post # 72
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If someone’s going to ask you personally about a +1, this person is likely not going to take the time to go to your website and find this information.

Really, hardly anyone goes to a wedding website anyway. I have NEVER used one, even if they slapped the URL all over the invitation.

The +1 debate is frustrating, but I think you’re going to be much better understood if you just address these questions with the person as they roll in.

Post # 73
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Not to jack the thread, but I STILL fail to see what’s so miserable about attending a wedding alone. I’ve actually only been extended a +1 one time (I think out of consideration for the fact that I had to travel), and quite frankly I was VERY single and the guy I brought was just some boytoy who lived in the area of the wedding and he only came for the reception. We didn’t dance (together), neither of us drank (because we had to drive) and overall, my friend essentially paid for me to have a date for no reason. She could’ve spent his $100 per head on a centerpiece upgrade or professional makeup artist and still had me (her actual friend) there supporting her and celebrating with her.

Post # 74
Member
3897 posts
Honey bee

@bruinchick4:  I totally get that you’re worried about people who aren’t going to realize it’s not okay to bring a date, and may not actually ask you…but I don’t think the FAQ (even revised) will help that. People seriously don’t pay attention to that. Do you have time to revise your RSVP’s to make it clear that one spot is reserved for the guest?

Post # 75
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@hisprettygirl:  that’s where the “snowflake effect” comes in. My FAQs were actually drafted long before I ever invited anyone. They were actually more like AFQ (anticipated frequent questions). At any rate, everyone who asked me personally about a +1 start with “hey, I know your website says xyz, but…” They don’t care. I didn’t realize it would be this way until after. There were two times where I wasn’t comfortable with the groundrules of a wedding to which I was invited. I didn’t try to impose my will on the couple, I just declined to attend. I’m sure I wasn’t severely missed in either case. 

Post # 76
Member
389 posts
Helper bee

Please do not send this or post this on your website for all of your guests. I honestly think that if I saw this from one of my friends , I would think he/she was being over the top rididculous. It seems very passive aggressive. Just talk to the person directly, and hopefully they will understand. If they get upset and don’t come, well, then that is one less person you have to dish out $300 for!

 

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