(Closed) Say what? You want a plus one because why???

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 77
Hostess
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@bruinchick4:  Ouu i love the FAQ you did on your site. 

You know I really just try to be gracious when someone asks to bring a plus one. My Fiance and I have a “script” we go with, it goes like this “Unfortunately we would love to have eveeryone bring a date, but we just don’t have the space. If you want ask us closer to the wedding to see if space cleared up”.

The funny part about all this is, single friends ask for a plus one and then in the next sentense mention how much weddings are and they think we shouldn’t spend a lot! One friend did this, then I caually mentioned ” yes and inviting people is the most expensive part! everyone wants to bring a plus one and it just adds up!”

he put 1+1 together and laughed…then he revoked his question about the plus one. 

Post # 78
Member
3108 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would delete the FAQ entirely. You’re guaranteed to rub people the wrong way.

If RSVPs come in with added guests, call them to clarify that the invitation was addressed only to them and unfortunately you can’t accomodate additional guests. Make sure you have escort cards/assigned seating at the reception — that ensures that people can’t just show up with randoms.

Post # 79
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bruinchick4:  

Of couse you planed the wedding to fit your vision and instead of cutting corners for yourself you essentially penalize your guests. +1 issues are always this.  The bride/couple being all about “me me me.”  So yeah it was up to you to figure it out and IMO, you took the wrong path and therefore, are dealing with the consequences. 

A better option is to invite an A list and B list.  Chances are that you’ll be able to invite everyone with a +1 anyway due to cancelations.

Post # 80
Member
3423 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Overjoyed:  Just becasue you have a plus one doesn’t mean it is mandatory either.  I’ve gone to weddings where I got a plus one and didn’t use it.

It is just expected that if you’re going to an event you’re allowed to bring someone for company, and IMO it is rude to deny this.

Post # 81
Member
2883 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Maybe I’m the only person who actually finds a couples “vision” to be more important than whether the guests each have dates? I mean the guests’ comfort is important, yes. Very important, even. But it doesn’t (in my mind anyway) rise to the level that the actual guests of honor should sacrifice their own comfort or desires on the most important day of their life. This kind of über entitled reasoning does not apply anywhere else in life (that I can think of). I’m serious, if you were having a dinner party in your home where space is limited, you would invite people whom (1) you wanted to have and (2) could actually fit in the space allotted. If someone who was neither married nor in any type of committed relationship insisted they be allowed to bring a date to your home, you’d find them out of line. If they remarked “well then you should have invited fewer people or had your dinner party at a larger venue so that my guest could be accommodated,” you’d likely never speak to them again.

 

 

 

Also, the absence of a privilege does not necessarily amount to a penalty. Some people have situations that lend themselves to certain accomodations and others do not. Disabled people are allowed to park closer to buildings. Does that mean that able bodied people should feel they are being punished because they have to walk farther? Of course not. They just…aren’t of the group that gets this particular privilege.   

 

 

 

Post # 82
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Overjoyed – I completely agree.  For the most part, you’re already providing your guests with many lovely things – food, drink, entertainment, decor, and (hopefully) pleasant company.  You’re supposed to provide each and every single one with their own guest as well?  And not doing that amounts to “penalizing” them?  I don’t understand that logic.  We can assume these guests are adults who are capable of some minimal amount of social interaction.  Why do they need their very own company?  If they do, then perhaps they need some therapy (in all seriousness).  And, as Overjoyed said, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the bride and groom wanting their day to be about them.  It’s probably the only chance they’ll ever have.

Post # 84
Member
2883 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@bruinchick4:  girl, I’ve taken so much heat on this board (and much of it from a particular user) because I don’t accept certain assumptions about my wedding–or weddings in general. 

1. No one is entitled to anything. My fiance and I are paying for the event and we are inviting the people we care to have and no one else. Guests have as much responsibility to be gracious as do hosts. 

2. Not catering to guests’ every whim (Little Johnny needs a kids meal, Aunt Grace feels that chicken carbonara is too fattening, Malik gets motionsick so you can’t have your reception on a boat, Michelle just HAS to bring some guy she just met even though she knows every single soul at the wedding and will not be awkward or lonely) does not amount to being rude or a bad host. This is especially true when these whims will invariably cost you in money or stress.

3. A wedding is nothing other than what the couple (and/or the hosts depending on the situation) agree that it is. I don’t care if YOU feel like a wedding should be this or that. If I say it’s a wear jeans and potluck picnic with cornhole and kegs, then that’s what it is. If I say it’s a black tie optional affair with a cash bar, that’s what it is.

4. Bigger is not always better. I understand that some people feel like the more friends and relatives around you at your wedding, the better. I can appreciate that but you don’t know everyone’s family/social situation and you can’t make that judgment for other folks. 

Post # 85
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Overjoyed & @bruinchick4 Agree completely. As the bride (and/or groom), this is the one time you get to make decisions based (almost) exclusively on what YOU want, not everyone else on the guest list. They are there to celebrate your day with you, so it is somewhat out of place (and rude IMO) for them to impose their wishes and preferences for the party. Asking you to make accommodations for their allergy or other medical needs? Of course. There are some things we should try to work in or around for our guests just as simple courtesy for the enjoyment (and health) of our guests. But attempting to dictate things like where, what time, or who to have at your wedding? Absolutely not!

As to the FAQ, I agreed with PP’s that it was a bit…uncomfortable as originally written. However, I like the way you revised it. Hopefully you’ll have an easier time with the rest of the guest issues and no more +1 problems.

Post # 86
Member
2969 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

While it’s sucky to be a guest at a wedding by yourself, it really is only truly sucky when you don’t know people there. If everyone who is coming solo at your wedding knows everyone else (for the most part), then I really don’t think it’s that big of a deal. People may just get miffed because although your wedding is on the expensive side (which is fine), you also invited a lot of people. I’m sure people may start talkng and saying things like, “Well if she had room for so and so, why couldn’t I have brought someone.” With that being said, I didn’t originally agree with having a FAQ up on your website. I think it’s very impersonal, and sounds like you are running some sort of high profile event, when really it is supposed to be a heartfelt day spent with your nearest and dearest. I do think the revised FAQ is much better, and I did catch the part about you writing the original FAQ in the haet of the moment. I won’t say you shouldn’t post it, but I do still think you should handle each situation with a personal touch, and not just directly tell people to look at your website. I just feel like it may come off in a snobby way. 

Post # 87
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

@soontobemrsm11:  This.

I think this is condescending. It also kind of misses the point of a wedding; that is, you are supposed to be the gracious host.  How can you do this if you put up a pissy rant aimed at a couple people?  

I suppose the revised FAQ is okay if you feel you have to include it.  Personally, for me it is not about making your wedding day “all about me” or that the guests are acting selfish, but rather that you’re only throwing the reception in the first place so that people can come and enjoy it And now you’re essentially insulting them via your website.  

I understand your frustrations, but I don’t feel that it is a good idea.  Good luck with what you do choose though.  

Post # 88
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I like the FAQ section… with the input of previous posters…. (taking out a few and rewording it slightly)… but to me, it would be helpful.

i know it may take time, but maybe a personal call to the “perpetrator(s)” would work?  … a friend of mine invited a guest who assumed she could invite someone… so she invited her friend (not a date…. but her best female friend)…. when she indicated this on the rsvp card… the bride called her and simply explained that she couldn’t invite a guest (budget, headcount, etc).  end of story. 

 

Post # 89
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Overjoyed:  You have a great philosophy on this! I agree with everything you’ve written on this entire thread!

Post # 90
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m not a huge fan of the FAQ idea – I reckon deal with inquiries as they come. Have a standard response (eg “Unfortunately our venue is too small to accommodate a plus one” or “Unfortunately due to space restrictions/alcohol licensing restrictions/whatever excuse you want, we cannot accommodate children”. Repeat as necessary.

Post # 91
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee

I also vote for no FAQ section in the website. I doubt it will eliminate the queries you get, so may be best to not put it at as it may cause more harm than good.

The topic ‘Say what? You want a plus one because why???’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors