Post # 1
Okay, so here’s the thing. My fiance is in the coast guard and we are having some serious problems financially. I moved here 4 months ago to be with him after he was transferred from Texas to North Carolina, a move that was made completely under the assumption that I could find a job. Well, four months later I am still jobless. We have a 2 year old daughter named Brooklyn that is quite expensive to say the least… we are barely paying the bills and buying groceries.
I have a degree and left a job that payed $40,000 in Texas and since moving here my $5,000 savings is shot. If we get married (JP style) we will start making an extra $300 a month which would really help as well as being able to combine bills to save money and getting health insurance would be nice too. We know we are both ready to get married and have no problem doing the Justice of the Peace wedding and having our ceremony in Texas in October as planned. However, my step mom who is paying for the wedding, has a big issue with it. My dad doesn’t really care either way but she deff calls the shots. She says it won’t be the same if I’m already “technically” married when my dad walks me down the isle.I think we’re going to to do it anyway and just take the chance that she might find out but it really makes me feel bad that I can’t be honest with her about it because she is so set in her opinion. Do you think it would be terrible for us to just go ahead with it and do what we want (and need) to do? Even though I’m 22 I feel like I’m a child again as she is financially stepping up to pay for the wedding and just like any other bride I want my dream wedding… ahhh what to do what to do!?
What a crappy situation for a time that is supposed to be so wonderful =( Just looking for some guidance on this subject that has been really bothering me.
Post # 3
I think I would do it on the down low and not even tell your parents if it would make them upset. There is no reason they would have to know that you did it, it sounds like you are really struggling right now and might need to do this.
Post # 4
I say go for it and they should be able to appreciate that you are doing it to help their granddaughter not as a slight to the wedding.
Post # 5
I have a friend whose parents didn’t even know that they were married by a jp almost a year before their wedding.
We did it that way. However we waited 2 years for our ceremony, which will be this October. I know several people who’ve done it this way too.
Post # 6
Well that makes me feel a lot better. I hate the idea of not being honest but at the same time it is just financially killing us to be unmarried… the military is bad in that way.
I think we’re going to do it… I just needed a little bit of unbiased advice. It is what my fiance wants and it is what I want and thats all that matters I suppose.
Thanks guys =)
Post # 7
Don’t tell them. We have to get a civil ceremony here before we go to Brazil too (only bc in Brazil there’s so much bureaucracy to get married there, and we won’t be there long enough for the paperwork).
My parents know, and I think his parents know, but I didn’t tell anyone else.
Post # 8
I’d do it! From your situation it sounds like you’d consider the Justice of the Peace marriage to be more of a financial decision then anything else, and you won’t consider yourselves to be truly married until the actual ceremony. From that standpoint, your financial decisions are none of your in-laws business, so there’s no need to tell them.
I will say that I know people who were military who’ve gone this route and you should double check two things. 1) Does your Fiance need to get approval for a dependant? In some circumstances there’s paperwork that needs to be done before you get on his benefits, and I’d hate for you to find out after you went to the Justice of the Peace that you were still not eligible yet. 2) Will whoever’s performing your fall ceremony be willing to go forward if you’re already legally married? I know someone who ended up having to settle for a renewal of the vows ceremony (similar, but it made a difference to her, and the parents would def notice the wording because there’s no “I now pronounce you man and wife”). If your officient wouldn’t mind, then awesome, but it’s just something you should double check, because you don’t want the step-mom to realize what happened in the middle of the ceremony!
Post # 9
Wow thats a really good point… she would totally freak if she figured out we went ahead with it anyways and I didn’t tell her.. lol. The “I now pronounce you husband and wife” is something that would for sure give us away! Someone told me that I could apply for two marriage licenses (one in north carolina and one in texas) and it wouldn’t really matter because the communication between the states is so bad they wouldn’t realize we were already married in North Carolina. However, in the age of computers and networking I would feel really nervous about taking that chance. I wouldn’t want to break the law! Is it polygamy if you marry the same person twice? haha
As far as tricare goes as it has been explained to me is that as soon as we’re married I have basic tricare and then after 30 days have tricare prime. I will check into it to make double sure though.
Thanks for the great advice.. I will keep both of those things in mind!
Post # 10
I dunno… I guess I’m alone here, but this is a big secret to keep, and it’s not something that you have to keep your mouth shut for a few months; it’s for your whole lives! And usually, the truth finds a way to come out.
I would never be able to commit such deceitful actions, especially since your parents will be investing a lot of money in what they believe to be the start of a marriage.
I understand the financial pressures, but if what is really important to you is getting married and you really do have financial problems, I’d sit down with my Fiance and parents and come up with a super small ceremony and restaurant dinner celebration, and see if your parents would give you the money that they had for the wedding so you can use it for food and mortgage.
But that’s just me…
Post # 11
We “secretly” got married last August and are having a wedding ceremony/reception this October. Only our parents, siblings, and 3 super close friends know! We did it because Fiance wanted a simple low-key thing w/ just us – and we did it by a Justice of the Peace in our first house we bought together and where he proposed :o) Another reason we did it was to save $$ for insurance – he gets it free through work and it was silly for me to be paying monthly for it.
Post # 12
The funny thing is that my mom knows and actually told me that she and my dad had a “secret” wedding before the big day… that kinda made me giggle. She couldn’t tell my grandma for years what they had done.
I honestly just think my step mom is kinda selfish.. one of those its not her idea so she doesn’t like it. My whole life has been like that. It ALWAYS has to be her idea. It is just so hard to please everyone :/
Post # 13
I’m often surprised at people’s opinions when this topic comes up. I have no problem with any of your reasons for wanting to do a Justice of the Peace ceremony early and there are a lot of cases where I think it’s completely legitimate. However, part of being an adult is owning your decisions. If you think that going to a Justice of the Peace is the best decision for you and your family, then why not be upfront about it? Being married is a big secret to keep from those closest to you and egb brings up a good point that this becomes a secret for life.
I don’t think it’s fair to your wedding guests to let them think that they’ll be witnessing the beginning of your marriage when you’re already married. You can still have your party, but be honest and call it a vow renewal or a celebration of your marriage. People will still be excited for you and probably more understanding of your decisions than if they learn the truth later.
Post # 14
just do it. there is NOTHING wrong with saying I DO before your big day…in fact only about 10 people total know that my husband and I are legally married – our wedding is next month! we’ve been “legal” since april of last year!!!! we did it because he was in desperate need of surgery and I have great insurance.
you don’t need to tell anyone – again the only people who know are those who were there – my parents (who’d have killed me had we done it and they didn’t know…) my Maid/Matron of Honor and her husband (our witnesses) – his mom, bro & SIL (i told cuz she came to his surgery) – and our two ministers, the one who performed the ceremony last year and the one who’ll perform this year (both are at the “real” wedding)
but it makes absolutely no sense not to do it just cuz your step mom feels it won’t be “real” this is about you and your child!!