(Closed) Saying no…out of resentment

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Whoah. Sorry you’re having such a hard time! You said you were “ready” 2 years ago, how long have you been together? And if you don’t mind my asking, how old are both of you?

Post # 4
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Based on what you have just said, you might want to work on communication before anyone decides to move forward. Just from experience, that is one of the most important things in a relationship, and especially a potential life partner.

Post # 5
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with littlemissmango on those two questions.

Perhaps he has something in mind for Christmas/New Years.  The year isn’t done yet.  If not, and depending how long you’ve been together, you need to decide if you really want to be with him.  Some people don’t feel a need to be engaged/married.  Perhaps he’s one of those people. 

Post # 6
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

If you feel this way, you need to consider getting out of the relationship. He did say the end of the year and Christmas/New Years is the most popular time for a proposal so give him a few weeks before you write off his promise as empty. However, if you don’t want to be married to him anymore AND you want to be married, you need to consider if this relationship has a future. Is your desire to be with him STRONGER than your desire to be married. I have several friends who are in long term (5+ year) relationships who are not planning a wedding anytime soon, it’s not abnormal to wait.

Post # 7
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Age and length of the relationship play a big factor in my response.

I can tell you that I was very anxious to get engaged before my hubby finally popped the question. We dated for 8 and a half years before we got engaged! Our situation was probably very different though…we started dating when we were 14 years old. My hubby and I had talked about marriage and our future since high school, so I knew for a long time that he would eventually ask. When a couple friends got engaged before me I was a little irritated that he hadn’t asked yet, but we were both broke college students and I knew he wanted to get me a nice ring. I feel like pressuring him into proposing would have made him wait longer. He wanted to do it his way, and he wanted to surprise me the best he could after being together that long. We had looked at rings for fun a couple times in the years before he proposed, but I had no idea he was saving thousands of dollars in his part-time job during college to actually propose before we graduated. I’m so glad I didn’t push the topic on him, because I feel pushing it would have decreased the excitement and surprise when the proposal happened.

Depending on your age, I can understand the frusteration. For now I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he already has a ring picked out, and that’s why he doesn’t want to hear your opinions on rings. And maybe he already has the proposal all planned, so that’s why he doesn’t want to talk to you about it. I would give it until the end of the year and see what happens. And if he does propose I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that he’s only proposing because he feels obligated to. Entering into a marriage with resentment and negative assumptions is not something I would recommend, so for now try to push those feelings aside and tell yourself a proposal means he wants you to be his wife. If a lot of time goes by without a proposal and he still doesn’t want to discuss the issue, then I would start to get a little concerned.

Post # 8
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I can feel your frustration at being powerless to change him.  ๐Ÿ™

If you don’t really want to leave him (even though you’re sooo annoyed!!) and you’re finding it hard to accept and be patient, perhaps you could keep him on his toes by playing some games.  Try ordering yourself some roses from a mystery admirer and tell him that you think they’re from this guy at work who apparently likes you. 

Guys can be so slow with the proposal stuff.. hang in there hun.

Post # 9
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Okay. So you’ve been together long enough and you’re not too young. But wait a second — he tells you that a proposal is coming before the end of the year, and you’re already writing it off as though if it did still come it would be a “shut up” ring? Hon… do you realize how common it is to get engaged over the holidays? Do you not notice all those commercials from jewelry stores playing out scenes of proposals non-stop this time of year?

My guy never said one word — not ONE word — about the proposal, or a ring, or even any sort of timeline. We had already established that we intended to marry each other in the semi-near future. He didn’t ask my opinion on rings or take me shopping or discuss any of those details with me, and if I would have pried, he would have certainly changed the subject (sound familiar?), because he was working his sweet little booty off picking out a ring for me and planning out the perfect proposal and wanted it to be a SURPRISE! I think the vast majority of men want that aspect of the tradition! Don’t take that away from him. Not at this point.

I understand that you feel helpless in the matter and that there’s a seemingly unfair balance of power/control going on, but I think you owe it to him to let him make good on his promise before you get too wrapped up in all these negative emotions you’re bringing on.

If on January 1st, there’s still nothing, then we’ll talk. That’s my vote. Try to stay positive.

Post # 10
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

@littlemissmango:  i like that..might even use it on my friends who are suffering the same problem ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 11
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My other half did something similar, after 6 years together we discussed it and agreed we’d like to get married next summer for various reasons. However the proposal didn’t really come for a couple of months after that and I assumed he’d changed his mind.

He hadn’t, he just wanted the proposal to be something special and hadn’t really thought through the time needed to organise a wedding. He also wanted to take control. Men are strange creatures.

Your OH is probably saving up for a ring to put in your christmas stocking so I wouldn’t worry. If you don’t hear by January then maybe discus it with him then.

Post # 12
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I went through the same thing with my fiance. I was with him for FOUR YEARSSS. I was ready at year 2! I waited and waited and waited and near our 4 year anniversary I went crazy. I thought that maybe this wasnt going anywhere and that I should make a clean break before I get hurt. he never wanted to talk about getting engaged anymore and it made me feel like he didnt want to. Turned out – he didnt want to talk about it because he had planned to propose on our anniversary. He didnt want to look at rings anymore because he already chose a ring and didnt want me falling in love with any other ring. He didnt want to talk about it because he didnt want to ruin the surprise or let what i said change the way he wanted to propose. It was perfect when he proposed. On a hot air balloon at downtown disney – right after I said yes, the fireworks from magic kingdom started going off. it was everything i dreamed of.

And it will be for you too. The year isnt over ๐Ÿ™‚ maybe he has something special in the works. Waiting is the most frustrating, and heart breaking thing to do when your so ready. But give him the time you allowed him and thne go from there ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope everything is perfect for you !

Post # 13
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

I say give him til New Years Eve, 11:59. My SO said I won’t be waiting til I’m 30, so he has until April 28th 11:59. He made the deadline, I’m just adhereing to it.lol

Post # 14
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’d give him the holiday season to propose. You never know – he might be waiting for Christmas morning.

If January comes & still no ring, I would sit him down & have an honest, very frank discussion with him about it. Set a FIRM timeline.

And then, unfortunately, start getting ready to leave. And if the date that you set with him comes and STILL no proposal, leave. If you live together, move out. If you don’t, stop spending time with him and limit ALL communication to a couple of times a week.

I’m not saying call it quits for good. I’m just saying put your foot down in the only way that MIGHT make him wake up and realize you are absolutely, totally serious about this. And – while this may sound harsh – if there’s STILL no ring? Then he wasn’t the guy for you. He really wasn’t, and I know its going to be super tough, but you will meet a guy one day, and he won’t think twice about making you his partner in life.

If you are so resentful about him not proposing that you would say “no” out of spite when/if he does, then I would say there’s no point in being with him anymore, is there?

(I don’t actually expect you to even consider my advice. I just thought I’d give it, in the off chance that you do.)

Post # 15
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

If he ends up proposing by surprise, maybe if I say no (or that I’ll think about it), he will feel some of the pain and rejection I have been living with for years

that is so passive-aggressive. if you’re so over it, why are you still in the relationship?

Post # 16
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

There’s no way if he asks your going to … think about it… otherwise why stick around.  He has time, 15days after that i’d have a sit down chat with him and let him talk about what his timeline is and decide from there.

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