(Closed) Saying no…out of resentment

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

@picturemeurs:

wonderful reply, thank you!  I truly get curious about these things and I think a lot of bees see it as an attack but its truly not.  I agree with the aspect that one person’s desires cannot over ride the others for sure.  Of course that is relevant on both sides of the issue, as you said. 

For me, I just was not ready to marry because I didn’t want to have the mortgage, the other person to have to consider for all things from sleeping, to eating, to lounging to holidays and whatnot, wanted to travel a bit by myself and wanted the freedom of being able to move on a whim if an opportunity in the field came up.  Plus, I’m divorced and know that marriage doesn’t change your relationship at all when you’re already living together, sharing finances and that kind of thing, so I don’t really see the need to shell out a bunch of money for a wedding when everything is already perfect to me.  Luckily, my bf of 7 years feels the same way.  If he wanted to marry, though, I would be okay with that now and we are considering it due to legal and financial benefits.  But if he had acted the way I had described above and how I sometimes read some waiting bees acting, I probably would have had a huge decision to make.  Honestly, being issued an ultimatum or expiration date for the relationship would turn me off to the actual person and I’m afraid for some people that this may also be the end result if they do that.

I think it’s difficult because one person may really want it and the other doesn’t and that is a very difficult compromise to make.  My ex hubby and I divorced in a large part because he suddenly wanted children after swearing he never would and I did and still do not.  You can’t really compromise on that type of thing without someone getting resentful and I kind of feel the same for marriage.  It’s a tough thing, for sure. 

Post # 48
Member
27 posts
Newbee

This just sounds so crazy!

I would never purposely hurt BF…

That’s just kinda sad and says that your heart is in the wrong place. Like someone else said…you don’t want to marry him; you just want to get married.

Three years isn’t even that long of a time to wait, seriously.

Edit: Asking someone to marry them is kinda a big deal, maybe he needs more time. What would he think if he read this post??? 

Post # 49
Member
1712 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

@luckyprincess: I completely agree. With issues like that there is just no winning and so it could be a deal breaker. Perfect analogy, which I was thinking about is the issue of children. Like you said its tough to compromise without someone feeling resentful. At some point in time each partner would have to make a decision, something’s gotta give and it’s not gonna be in any way easy.

Post # 50
Member
414 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mongoose21: I haven’t read the other posts so forgive me if I’m repeating or way off here… but wtf?!  Look, I don’t want to offend you, but maybe he wants to surprise you and the fact that you don’t shut up about it is making that impossible?  Also, saying no just to screw with him is beyond the bitchiest thing I have seen written on these boards (but I haven’t been here long, so maybe I’m awarding that trophy too soon?).

If you want to be married, and he says he does too, clam the hell up and wait.  Then say yes when he does ask.  If you have an “engagement deadline”, wait for it to come and go, and then leave him for someone who’s actually serious.  DO NOT tell him what this deadline is, ultimatums are unfair.  You made it pretty clear that he knows what you want and when you want it.  So relax and let him do his thing. 

Post # 51
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

24 is young in my opinion for a guy….like me. (not making blanket statements)

If you say no just to hurt him then you aren’t going to get a second proposal.

Post # 52
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I hear yah! I’m in the same boat…I’ve been waiting for ten years n nuthin…I’ve gotten to the point where I have made myself physically ill with heart palpitations, anxiety attacks and uncontrollable retail therapy. I know what you mean by saying no out of resentment…I’d do the same..Ithink its bc the thrill n excitement of the proposal is dead and most importantly were hurt…I totally get you =*( I just hope you don’t wait as long as I have…do what makes you happy!

Post # 53
Member
2200 posts
Buzzing bee

I completely understand- I hope he makes your deadline.

Post # 54
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

While I agree with some of the PPs i do not however agree with the whole “omg hunny he’s 24, give him a break” mentality.

Men are ready when they are ready. 18, 20, 24,90… whats important is that you are BOTH ready.. it’s not an age/waiting game, it’s a maturity and mental preparedness game, IMO.

and imo again, one year of dating might not have allotted enough time for you two to get to that point.

Post # 55
Member
8 posts
Newbee

I can totally relate to you wanting to say no out of resentment! I know, I know it seems so horrible… but it’s true. I have felt the same way too.

 

A few weeks ago, my SO finally had a breakthrough and realized how selfish he was being by saying that he wants to marry me and is ready to propose… but just wasn’t because he wanted me to sit back and be “patient.”

 

I can’t remember exactly what I said to him that trigger the reaction but he looked me in the eyes and said, “Wow. I realize what I am doing to you and how selfish I am being. What can I do to make this process not just enjoyable for me but enjoyable for you?” he was soo honest, so sincere…

 

Granted… hurry up and propose was not an option as an appropriate response , lol. What we did settle on  was a) a realistic timeframe (he’ll propose by second week of March), b) to simply browse rings online  occasionally (because I wanted him to surprise me with the ring), and c) discussion specific wedding-related details (guest list/venues/etc). It’s not ideal… it’s hard to temper my excitement yet still be very excitement in this very limited bubble… but I try to remind myself of the extent the SO is going through to make me feel at ease.

 

Actually, I think I framed the conversation (before the light bulb went off in his head) by asking him when did he think we would get married… not engaged but married because that’s the most important bit. And then, I worked back from there. So you want to get married in Jan 2012? Well, you know it takes at least XYZ months to plan for a wedding… etc, etc. and then explained that I needed more than a “sit back and be patient” approach for me to feel like this is really going to happen.

 

I’m not going to tell you to “be patient” but perhaps set aside some time (you determine the length) during which you’ll evaluate the relationship and assess what you really feel… see the time as an opportunity for your to determine that yes, you really are ready.

 

I think women tend to be ready sooner so when men keep them waiting so long, they begin to feel self-conscious—at least I know I did. I always questioned what is wrong with me/our relationship where he is still figuring things out, ya know? If he knows that I’m not by nature a very patient person, why would he try to force me to wait longer than I have—does he think it’s a game?

 

So, set your own deadline in your head—one that he does not have influence over and work from there. No need to give him a direct ultimatum.

Post # 56
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee

@Theleia: side note: Thank goodness! I thought it was just me who fantasized these things.

Post # 57
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@littlemissmango: Agreed! Mine never said a word about anything, either! Heck, we had never even actually talked about marriage at that point.. I felt like we were moving in that direction (he had moved 10 hours away from all of our close friends) to move to a tiny podunk town with me to support me (monetary-wise and emotionally-wise.. he knows how I stress! haha), which I felt like was definitely a step in the right direction.  He had said a couple things off handedly that also made it sound like he was definitely thinking of a future with me.  The proposal was a complete surprise… I knew I wanted to marry him, but I had never bugged him about it, because I didn’t think he was ready yet.. (apparently I was very wrong! ha) and I figured I’d give it another year (at the time we had been together 4.5 years) and if nothing had happened yet, then I’d probably bring it up.  

But yeah, I wasn’t involved in any of it until after the proposal (he had a couple rings in mind but wanted me to pick the one I really wanted so I got the ring a month after the proposal).  He wanted everything to be a surprise.  Who knows, maybe your SO has asked your mom or a close friend or a sister or something for assistance in picking out a ring because he wants to surprise you!

That being said, I know if I were trying to plan something big like a proposal, I would change the subject right away, too, not wanting to give anything away to my SO, if I already had a ring picked out etc.  He may be planning something really special for Christmas or New Years.. don’t kick him to the curb just yet if you DO want to be with him and are just irritated he hasnt proposed yet… he has another 2 weeks to cook up something great! However, if you’re re-evaluating whether you want to be with him at all… then that’s another story.

Good luck!

Post # 58
Member
11 posts
Newbee

@mongoose21:

So sorry you’re going through this. Must be so difficult. Make a date in your mind of how much longer you are willing to wait for, and then leave him if it hasn’t happened. You need to make sure that you sit down with him and let him know how important this is to you. Explain to him that you have waited an X amount of time, and that you are have set a time frame for yourself, where if by then you are not engaged, you are going to break things off and move on.

You don’t want to give him an ultimatum, but he needs to know that you are not willing to waste your life away because of this either. If he isnt ready for this, then you are better off finding someone who is, and if its another issue thats going on, then he will speak up-and if he doesnt, you were maybe better off on your own anyways.

This must be so hard, good luck.

Post # 59
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This may sound harsh but just the fact that you would say no if he did propose to you in order to spite him seems like proof that you are not mature enough to be in a life long relationship or even ready for marriage.  Doing something to be spiteful or to get back at someone is not healthy.  It’s all about communication and it doesn’t seem like you’re doing enough of that.  Just cause you’re ready doesn’t mean he should be too, you guys are 26, plenty of time.

Post # 60
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@kitzy: Agreed. This attitude is surprising and unhealthy. Being bitter to the point of wanting to get back at him doesn’t sound very good…

Post # 61
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I think to OP is just frustrated and venting. I think we’ve all had a moment when we kind of want to do mean an spiteful things.

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