(Closed) Says He's Not Ready

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
9755 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

At only 23 and having only been living together for a few months, I think its valid for him to not feel ready. Moving in together is a huge life change and perhaps he’s just not ready to take on another huge life change right now and thats okay. Maybe he has things he would like to accomplish before getting engaged, like buying a home, moving forward in his career, putting money aside to finance a wedding. Have you asked him if there are any particular reasons he would like to wait a bit longer?

ETA: Your previous threads say that you are “recently engaged” and your family is pressuring you into bridal showers. Did he propose and now isn’t ready to move forward or what? This doesn’t really match up.

Post # 3
Member
2599 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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elilac87 :  Hi there bee! I am a bit older than my Fiance by 15 months (28 and 27) and we have been together for over 6 years. I can’t IMAGINE marrying him when he was 23. He was just out of college, just had a new job, didn’t really know what the future had in store for him. I think that everyone matures and is ready at their own pace. You may have to give it a few more years before he is really ready to be MARRIED/engaged. Thats a huge step. What are his guy friends doing? Are they in relationships? Engaged? Married? This plays a big role.

Post # 4
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Well first off, I knew my guy for 9 years and we dated for over 5 before he proposed. I was 27 and he was 28 when it happened. There is no rush! He bought the ring for crying out loud. He loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Don’t ruin this by overthinkig anything.

Post # 5
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
slomotion :  good catch! I just noticed that too. 

Post # 6
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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elilac87 :  First off, I am sorry that you’re going through this tough time. Waiting is difficult, and it’s not a fun topic of conversation to bring up.

My first thought in reading your post was that your SO might have gotten caught up in your excitement about taking the next step, or felt that he needed to (as opposed to wanted to on his own accord) take you ring shopping, but upon actually buying the ring, he sort of freaked out. He definitely should be more open to you in regards to talking about his feelings with you, but at 23, together for 2.5 years and living together for 9 months, I can see where it’s a little scary.

That being said, I’m not discrediting your time together, or that you are ready to take the next step. At 26, I was definitely ready to be engaged, but my SO was also 26, we’d been together for 4.5 years, and living together for 1.5. To me, it felt like to just keep going along as we were would be “spinning the wheels” so to speak. People reach that point at different ages/points in the relationship, and it seems like you might have hit it, while your SO, who is younger, has not. I know that 3 years is not all that much, but the difference between 23 and 26 can sometimes feel like a lot when there’s usually a lot of growth and new beginnings to an adult life that take place in that time.

Realistically, I think having an open and honest conversation would be the best thing here. He’s expressed he’s not ready, but perhaps if you were able to discuss some of the reasons why he feels not ready, despite buying a ring, or what he thinks about a long engagement if he’s not ready for a wedding right away, etc., you might feel better about the situation. It’s the not knowing that can really be hard, so if you can understand where you’re both coming from, it might make it easier to keep waiting, so to speak.

If he can’t or won’t talk with you about it in any more depth, I think that might be a red flag. He might not be ready, and that’s ok, but if he can’t even talk to you about it, that’s a problem. I hope that you guys can come to a consensus and that you feel better about your relationship and where it’s headed.

Post # 7
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

He is young and it’s reasonable that he is not yet ready. 26 and 23, although not that far apart in years, is a large gap in terms of maturity. 23 is right at the beginning of adulthood. If you love him, I would say give him some time and don’t pressure him. He loves you enough that he went in for the ring, I doubt his wanting to wait longer is because he doesn’t love you. If anything, at that age, his realization that he is not ready is a good sign, because it means he doesn’t want to rush into something and would rather wait until he is older and more mature to make a life-altering decision.

You are honestly too young to feel worried about “wasting your time.” You have a LOT of time ahead of you in life. You are with someone who loves you, and just because he’s too young to feel ready for marriage, doesn’t mean he will always feel this way. Enjoy your time together if your relationship is good – if you are planning on being together you have plenty of time in your future and do not need to rush.

Post # 8
Member
76 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I think it is totally reasonable for him not to be ready at 23.  I certainly wasn’t!  At the same time, maybe he doesnt feel ready until 26 or 27.  There is nothing wrong with that, but that will mean you are 29 or 30.  If you want to have a large family, that might be problematic as a timeline.

Post # 9
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Tell him you want your money back for your half that you spent on the ring.

Post # 10
Member
9755 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Is there a reason you deleted the thread that talked about how you were recently engaged and your family was pressuring you to have a bridal shower? The thread I referenced in my first post before you deleted it. Also, you should know, just because you deleted it here doesn’t mean its gone. The internet never forgets.

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:-Bg3labNEcgJ:boards.weddingbee.com/topic/do-i-want-a-bridal-shower/+&cd=6&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us

Is it because it doesn’t fit the narrative to this latest post or what? We are all willing to offer advice, but we need the full story here and you aren’t giving it.

Post # 11
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

It sounds like he doesn’t feel ready yet and could be wanting to live together longer first.

I d disagree with other posters about the age thing though,(although I would do because of mine and I don’t live with the expectation of always having plenty of years because  bad things could happen at any time ). Just ask him honestly  does he feel like he could marry you at some point in the near future still? Do you both still agree on other things like if you want a family and if so when etc. and if the answers still yes,  do you feel you could wait until he is ready? Even if that means waiting years. 

Post # 12
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Feels like a big gap is missing in this narrative givne your previous (now deleted) post about being engaged and your family wanting to throw you a bridal shower. Normally I would say it’s a dick move for a guy to bring up engagement, purchase an engagement ring, and then pull the “I need more time” card, but in light of the massive hole in your story it’s hard to offer much advice.

Post # 13
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Girl, are you lying? First you don’t want any gifts at the bridal shower your family wants to give you. Now you are complaining about not getting engaged?

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