(Closed) Scared and upset

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@misswhiteflower: Have you thought about eloping? Just you and your FI?

Will your family/friends come to the wedding? Could you have the wedding (or just a party) in your home country so you can be with your family and friends to celebrate?

Are you paying for the whole thing yourself? 

Post # 6
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

I guess for me it’s kind of the opposite. My family is planning my entire wedding, without me. I picked out my dress and the colors, but they’re doing everything else because I’m stationed overseas and can’t be of much help. My family will see my wedding dress before I do. We’re also paying for the wedding. It still kind of sucks. Like you, I had an idea in my head of how planning our wedding would be, and it’s not like what I was thinking at all.

Is there a way you could have some of your friends/family travel to your wedding? I know you said your country is far away, but perhaps you could do a more intimate ceremony and reception, and then the money you save by doing a smaller wedding can be used to assist with their travel expenses? It could be worth at least looking into.

Even if you are able to do that, I know it won’t change the fact that the people you are close to aren’t able to help you plan it. But at the same time, it could be nice to surprise them completely if they are able to attend.

Another thought, I know a lot of places may not allow it, but if you explained the circumstances, perhaps some places would allow you to Skype or something like that with your family/friends while trying on dresses. And if they can’t attend your wedding, you could do the same thing with Skype, so that they can “be there” in a way.

Are you able to email or facebook with your family/friends? That is how my family is involving me in the planning. We also use pinterest a lot. If you are able to, you might consider doing that. It’s not as good as having them there with you, but I feel like it’s better than nothing. Just some thoughts. I know our situations aren’t the same, but feel free to message me.

Post # 8
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@misswhiteflower: Can you put the wedding plans on hold for a bit and work on your relationship with your FI?

It sounds like you are having some communication issues.

Would you be willing to do some pre-marital counseling in order to get your communication up to a point where you can both be open with each other and fuly listen to each other?

He should be listening to your concerns. Having your family there is important and he should understand that. Could you go home to go shopping with your mom? Just so you could have that experience? Or plan an “at home” reception after the wedding?

Dopping everything for somene you love can be really hard but he needs to be treating you like an equal partner and respecting your feelings and wishes rather than dictating what the wedding will be like and ignoring your desires.

If he’s doing this with wedding plans, I’d worry about him doing it with all important life decisions from now on.

Post # 9
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Hi,

I also moved to another continent to be with my SO so I know a little bit how you are feeling.I also do not have really good friends who can go dress shopping with me or people on my level to discuss wedding preparations with (I am 26 and most of my friends in this country are about 20/21 and they are at this stage, still very much into partying).

When I went dress shopping (granted, at least I had people who could go with me), I asked for a Skype meeting with my parents and friends from back home (ie. friends who really know me and know my taste and I also trust their taste), but the shop said that was not possible. Silly, if you ask me but heck, I’m just one person and I need to get my dress SOMEWHERE.

I wanted to elope as well but my fiancé wanted a small (40-50 people) wedding at the very least.

I understand your feeling about spending all this money on something you won’t even like but realize that this is important to your fiancé as well. Perhaps you could compromise? Ask him to have a much smaller wedding with maybe about 20-30 people max, a simple dress, simple meal etc. and have a nice honeymoon which BOTH of you will enjoy?

Post # 11
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@misswhiteflower: You may be talking to him, but there is a communication disconnect.

If this relationship is going to work you need ot have two way communication. Right now it sounds like he’s taking you for granted and treating you a bit like a doormat.

Post # 12
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Also, I recently moved abroad with my husband after getting married. I know no one here. We moved for his work and I am still trying to find a job. 

However, we have very open communication about how hard this is for me and he has been very supportive of me and helping me to do things that make me happy while I’m adjusting to life in a new country.

We are a team in this and he knows that we moved for him and his job and he wants to make sure I am happy too since I gave up so much to come here. 

Your FI should be doing the same for you.

Post # 14
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You know what it is..

I think you’re facing culture shock. You uprooted yourself for him. Now, you’re in a country for him and you have nothing. In a way, you live only for him and you think, heck, this would be worth it if he’s at least the best guy in the world ever, if he treats me really well etc.etc.etc. You are not in the wrong but also realize that he’s also under stress (you are under way more stress than him though!). He probably doesn’t realize how much pressure, stress and all that you are under because he hasn’t experienced the whole “I’m useless, I moved” etc. situation.

Edited because Too Much Information

You need to have a proper talk with him and I hope he understands you. Also, try to find a hobby/class and meet one or two people who moved abroad for their partners as well (in your area). Basically, you need to have your own life too and not just live his or you will explode some day.

Good luck.

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