Post # 1
My fiancee and I work for the same company (not in the same office or anything). We actually got hired at the same time and met in our training class.
Recently he has been really struggling and was demoted from being a manager and moved to another branch. His job is comission based and he is not meeting his targets. Because he was demoted he technically has started a new job so he is currently on his 3 month probation and can be fired at any time.
I know that he isn’t doing well and is being watched by management. I also don’t see an honest effort from him to do better and thnik he’s fed up with his job. Every day he pretty much is late and his reasoning is that he opens solo so “nobody will know.”
I feel bad for him but i’m also a bit frustrated as well. I have excelled and worked very hard, I got promoted in my first year with a 10k salary increase. It’s not like i’m a genius, it’s because I worked really really hard. I don’t think my fiancee shares this work ethic. He has had over 30 jobs and is only 31.
I’m just a bit scared purely because our wedding is 10 months away and I know that if he gets fired we will need to put it off. We just won’t be able to save for it. I am hesitant to start making deposits in fear that we will lose them for changing the date and also because i fear that we will need to use our wedding savings for every day life expenses if he loses his job.
I also can’t support us on my salary alone while he looks for another position.
Has anyone been in this situation? It’s stressing me out!!
Post # 3
I have not been in this situation but I think you are right to worry. Have you sat down and told him how you are feeling?
Post # 4
have you spoken to him about this? i’m assuming you have, but i would do it again, serious but calm. sit down with him, and have a list of the payments you need to make for the wedding and when they’re due. sometimes that helps focus someone who is otherwise thinking that generally ‘we owe money’.
show him that in the next month we owe x,y and z plus rent, utilities and insurance. (or whatever) make it real to him that there isn’t a big safety net and that he will not only let himself down, but will let you down too. it’s one thing to try hard and be let go, it’s another thing to know you’re on thin ice and basically give up.
then make a plan. if he hates the job and is waiting to get fired – he needs to brush up his resume and start interviewing for other positions. point out that at this point it may be better for him to give notice, then be fired as far as future opportunities are concerned. and push him to be honest with himself and you about how hard he’s trying.
the 30 jobs thing is a huge issue. you both need to have a discussion about how he sees his employment future. why didn’t they work out? does he hate an office environment? can’t deal with stress? does he need to have more scheduling flexibility? etc and then make a plan. you need to know if his idea is to skate by doing the minimum at any job that will take him, or if he has a dream job in mind. if so – great; ask him what things need to happen for him to get there.
also – i was a manager, and when i had employees open i would often call at say, 8 am when they should be there. if no one answered, i knew they were late. just because there’s no one there, doesn’t mean they can’t check up on him. lots of offices have computer programs that show when the computer was turned on, the alarm was undone in the morning etc. mine did and i definitely caught people slacking that way.
Post # 5
That’s a tough spot to be in. I think you need to split your worries up into two categories: the short term, and the long term. For the short term, it may be wise to encourage him to start looking for something else; once an employee has gotten into that “coast” mode (which I think he’s in, given your description of how he doesn’t mind going into work late since no one will know), it’s really hard to get out of it. It might be better for him to start fresh somewhere else rather than trying to improve conditions where he currently is, especially if his managers have all eyes on him. At least this way he can control the timing of his departure from his current job and not leave a huge financial mess to clean up by missing some paychecks while job hunting.
I’d be more concerned with the long run, though, as someone who hasn’t developed a strong work ethic by 30 might have a hard time ever developing one, and while it’s entirely possible to job hop all the way up to your 60’s and still be more or less financially stable, it’s incredibly stressful. You have to decide if you can live that kind of lifestyle, being the one with the stable employment and the primary income, and if so, how to keep his job-hopping from stressing you out. I’m not saying that a poor work ethic automatically means your marriage will fail, only that you need to go into this with open eyes. You can also try to think of ways to encourage him to excel, but this is a lot harder simply because work ethic and other habits are learned as we’re younger, and very hard to relearn as you get older. Some kind of reward for staying on any job for 1 year, 2 years etc would be good: maybe put a portion of each paycheck into a savings account and use it for a great trip once he’s reached a year, but if he doesn’t make it to a year, then the money goes to charity. You could also encourage him to find the kind of work he truly enjoys doing, even if it doesn’t pay well, because a lot of times, a stable but lower salary is way better than a higher salary that you know you won’t be able to count on for too long.
Post # 6
yeah, i would be concerned too. i would hold off on deposits if money is going to be tight.
he obviously doesn’t care for his job and i’m sure the company knows it and won’t keep him around. sorry if that sounds harsh.
i would sit down with him to discuss what his goals are. what career does he envision himself in? did your fi go to school for anything? can he get a job in his field?
Post # 7
Being worried about someone losing their job is totally normal. I think the REAL issue here though is you being worried about his work ethic.
Do you think if he got a new job where he felt engaged, he would work harder and be a better employee? If not, I think that’s a pre-marital counseling issue. If so, then I would be really encouraging in him looking for a new job where he’s happier.
Post # 8
@peonyinlove: Thank you so much for your long response. I appreciate your feedback as a manager. It’s been difficult and I’ve been reluctant to have this conversation with him because of how stressed he is. I don’t want him to think that i’m coming from a bad or mean place or that i’m attacking him.
It’s hard to give people you love a “reality check” sometimes.
Because I work in the head office of the company I see the inner workings and that they are letting go of people who are not benefiting the company and replacing them with new and eager workers. I’ve told him this but he just gets upset and literally says “fuck it.”
I totally 100% understand his frustration. I have been fired from a job or two in the past and it can be very difficult to step back and realize that maybe you are the problem….
I don’t know how to apporach this issue without being the bad guy. 🙁
Post # 9
This is a tricky situation. You on hand have to be supportive on the other it’s stressful. I would try not to nag(doesn’t seem like you are) and sit down and have a conversation, because his employment or lack of employment if he doesn’t get fired affects you and your plans together as a couple.
Clearly your Fi no longer likes the place if he is saying fuck it. He needs to make a plan to find other employment, brushing up his resume, and more importantly putting in the work needed to leave this place with a decent reputation in tack. It’s one thing to want to quit or to be over the company, but now he is a grownup with bills to pay and he has to look at the big picture.
Talk to him about his plans, encourage him to take proactive steps to find new employment, and in the meantime he has to show up to work on time and do all that he needs to do to be professional and an adult about this.
You also emphasize that you want the best for him, and he needs to feel out all of his options and in the mean time he needs to do all he can. You can support him, and try to be in his corner. But at the end of the day he is an adult and he has to make and own his own choices and actions. You can only decide if he actions and lack of stable employement is going to effect you and your relationship and if you live with it.
Just be calm and remind him that you love him and want the best for him.
Post # 10
Him being demoted should of been a wake up call for him. I think you need to sit down with him and lay it out on the table. All feelings aside. If he has a carefree attitude towards work, to me thats a red flag. I wouldnt be able to marry someone who could go job to job, having no security of “well will he have a job next week”…
Post # 11
@TwoCityBride: thank you for the great advice!
Post # 12
I would have a frank talk with him. I personally could not be with someone who doesn’t have a strong work ethic. With him maybe he just doesn’t like the job, so he isn’t trying. Could that be it? Or, is he just not a hard worker?
Post # 13
@bretonvirgniia: I can’t help but be concerned that based on this and earlier posts, your Fiance seems to have gambling and drinking problems as well as work ethic problems. These are big issues. I know you are committed to working things out, I just hope you aren’t the only one doing all the work. Just remember to take care of yourself too and make sure you are part of a true partnership.
Post # 14
I get his resentment over the demotion and all, but every person should take some pride in their work product and performance….if you don’t do what you’re paid to, it’s like stealing….and if he really hates it there and it’s time to move on, do it. Don’t wallow around half assing it until management gets wise, he’s an adult. What’s he going to do when life starts dealing out some real, honest to god, why me, how the hell are we gonna do this shit? That happens to everyone, and as a married couple, you have to know that life starts slashing prices on the seventh level of hell highway, that you Darling Husband is more than qualified to ride shotgun.
Post # 15
@sept22insf: Gambling and his lack of work ethic probably go hand and hand.
My fiancee doesn’t have a drinking problem, he is just an idiot when he does drink (which isn’t often).
Post # 16
Also for those who follow my vents on here. It’s easy to think how horrible of a person my fiancee is because I hardly talk about the good (and it’s probably not as juicey for you, the reader). My fiancee is amazing and despite his issues he does really have the best of intentions.
I did not mean this post to attack his work ethic. Of those 30 jobs he’s had, most of them were part time fast-food jobs at the mall as a teenager. It’s not as if he has been through 30 careers.
To clarify, he was at his last “Adult” job for 4 years, and at this job for two.