- 3 years ago
Does anyone else ever get really scared of losing what they have?
I’m getting married next month and I’m not sure I’ll be able to enjoy it. This may be convoluted, so please bear with me.
Before I met my fiancé, I had never loved anyone (other than grandma and the cat) and had been mostly okay alone. There was a bit of bullying at school, slightly difficult parents who called me hard to love, and a general sense of being okay alone. I travelled alone, went to concerts, movied and restaurants alone etc. That said, I always lived with family or in dorms.
At almost 24, I met my now-fiancé. I had just moved to Japan for the second time, this time for grad school, and was living completely alone for the first time. At first, things were great, but then stress kicked in, my health deteriorated, and I suddenly became such an anxious and depressed mess that I had to move back home after the first semester.
Things are much better now. After about a year of long distance, I followed my fiancé to a new country where I worked while he got his master’s. Then he had to leave for a job (he couldn’t get a visa, unfortunately) and I had to stay until the end of my job contract, so we had to live separately again for about half a year. At first, I was terrified because I remembered Japan, but I used the opportunity to work on myself, went to therapy, finally pushed enough doctors to diagnose my endometriosis and other health problem, did things with friends and was a valuable contributor at work.
Now, I’m moving back to Japan to be with him and to go back to grad school. While I feel like obviously marriage is not a happy ending and we will have other challenges along the way, now should be my time to be happy. But somehow, I can’t get past this worry that if I relax too much now, something will happen that I’m not prepared for. I keep asking my fiancé if he’s really sure he wants to marry me, I keep wondering about our future… We talked about everything and have a great relationship, he loves me, he takes my feelings seriously, and my only complaint is that he could do a bit more unprompted emotional labour.
Does anyone else deal with the same kinds of feelings? How do you let go of them?