- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I remember my initial midwife apppitment after finding out I was pregnant with my daughter. I had to answer questions about my health. I hesitated as I read the words history of anxiety or depression but I circled yes. This was something I had never admitted to anyone before and now I had to explain everything to a midwife. I walked out of her office with leaflets for myself and DH to read, Signs to look for in case of PPD.
I loved every moment of pregnancy. I had some minor bleeding during the first and second trimesters but nothing to write home about and I was excited to meet my child.
Labour was a breeze but delivery was another story. Dear Daughter was an emergency forceps delivery and for me that feels like the moment my happy excited bubble was burst. What folllowed was 4 months of hell.
Recovery was painful and on top of that I felt no bond with the child I carried for 9 months. I felt nothing, just numb. I couldnt understand it, I was so excited just a week before and now I was looking at this child that i was responsible for wishing I could go back in time.
I was surrounded by new mums. New mums that were glowing with love and smiles that went from ear to ear. What was wrong with me? Dear Daughter and I cried together every day for 4 months. Of course I didnt let anyone in real life know how I was feeling. I became very good at pretending I was the happiest person in the world but the moment they left, I threw Dear Daughter into the arms of my husband and locked myself in the bathroom sobbing for hours on end.
DH felt helpless.
As the months went by there would be glimmers of hope. For a split second it would be like a ray of sunshine shining through the darkest of storm clouds. I would look at Dear Daughter and feel something other than hate. I began to realise that perhaps I didnt really hate my child. perhaps there was something more to this and I remember the leaflets I was given at my first midwife appointment. PPD? could this really be PPD?
I read the leaflets umpteen times ticking box after box. I needed help.
I remember the day I sent the email asking for help. There is a wonderful network where i live called HomeStart. Its run by volunteers and they come to your home and help you adjust to life with a new baby and are there to talk to. All of the volunteers have been through something similar in their own lives. My lady was called sarah and she was wonderful. She accompanied me to baby groups and introduced me to other mums in my area. She was there whenever I needed her.
I used homestart for a month before I started to turn a corner. The storm clouds were parting and I could see hope.
It took a long time for me to build a bond with my daughter but it did happen. I wish I could change those first 4 months of her life. I wish i could have been a better mother to her. She is now my world. I love her to bits and it saddens me to think back on those times I wished she would just dissapear. I know I would never have done anything to hurt my child but the thoughts that went through my mind scare me. I do not want to experience that again… ever.
Dear Daughter is now 20 months. DH and I have always wanted 2 children and having another child is something that my husband has been bringing up in conversations a lot lately. DH is very supportive. He knows my fear. He knows i am scared of developing PPD again, and it is that fear which is keeping me from TTC.
Everyone around me is having babies and we so desperately want another before Dear Daughter is 5 but right now its like i have hit a brick wall. When people ask if we are going to have another I tell them we are one and done but thats just not true but I cant put DH and Dear Daughter through that again.
I dont know what to do. I want someone to tell me its ok and it wont happen again but I know the truth is it probably will. I know things will probably be different next time. I have my family close by now. I have the support that i didnt have before but still, its a huge weight on my mind.
Has anyone else been through this. How did it would out for you. I need to hear your stories.