(Closed) Scared to get engaged

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
4581 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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kwinter7 :  I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be scared about getting engaged/married at 21!  I say this as someone who also met her DH at 18.  We have a similar story in that he moved for me when I went to law school, but we didn’t get engaged until after I graduated and passed the bar (at 26).  I think him agreeing to move with you is a huge sign of commitment and wouldn’t (personally) rush getting married.  You have a say in when you two get married – if you’re not ready, I would talk to him about wanting to wait.  You two are both young.  I would keep enjoying the relationship for now and focus on getting through your PhD. 

Post # 3
9439 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

My husband and I also met at 18. We started talking about marriage very early on and knew we did want to get married some day. But we really didn’t want to get married young. He proposed on my 25th birthday and we got married when we were 26. Yes, people thought we were crazy for dating for 7 years before getting engaged but it really worked perfectly for us. I don’t regret waiting at all!

21 is so young to get marrried and if you aren’t ready then you should wait! Talk to your boyfriend and tell him you just aren’t ready yet, that 21 feels too young and you want to wait.

Post # 4
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

If it’s right it’s right 

Post # 5
281 posts
Helper bee

I have to agree with other posters that 21 is young to get married/engaged.   It seems like you already know that,  and already know why you’re hesitant.   There’s nothing wrong with wanting to wait.   You should have a talk with your BF,  let him know you’re not ready now but still picture your life with him.   

I’ve dealt with anxiety in my life as well, but for me I knew without hesitation that I wanted to marry my SO.   But I was 35 when he proposed.   

Post # 6
841 posts
Busy bee

I def think you should wait until you are 100% sure to get married. You can always accept the proposal and just pursue a long engagement until you are ready, or like to PP mentioned, talk to your SO and tell him how you are feeling. Please do not rush into a lifetime commitment if you are not ready.

Post # 7
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I met my Fiance at 18, and I was in the opposite position – at 21, 22 when we were just finishing our undergrad I was ready to talk marriage, but he wasn’t. I wasn’t pushing for it but I’m from somewhere where people get married relatively young and he isn’t. He felt we were too young (we were both applying to graduate schools) but still loved me very much, and we had a wonderful relationship – living together, moving in, and we did long distance through graduate school these past 2 years. I knew we were happy and committed and focusing on school and traveling and enjoying our lives together was much more important than getting married.

Six months ago he proposed (we’re now 26 and 27) and it is an absolutely perfect season in our lives. I can’t imagine going through this at 21/22 and I’m so thankful we waited until we were both ready. We now have the finances to create the wedding we want, we’re mature and both so enthusiastic about this time of celebration. And we have the last 8 years of memories and love to reflect on as we make this huge commitment to each other.

My point is – they were hard conversations to have when we were 21/22, but being able to have the hard conversations and respect each other and move forward in life together in a way that makes both people happy is what marriage is about. It’s how you know your relationship is strong and you’re in it for more than just the flashy, exciting moments. If you’re feeling unsure – have the hard talks, and see how they go. Just having the conversations may ease your anxieties, or it may cause your path to change to one that will. Both are good! 

Post # 8
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Listen to your gut.  You aren’t ready to get engaged, so don’t.  In marriage you will face many, many more challenges that are much worse than long distance.  As an example in the first 2 years of marriage my husband has been unemployed 8 months, and underemployed the rest of that time.  I have had major health issues.  It has challenged me more than I ever thought possible.  I am secure in myself and I love my husband, and we have always had a healthy relationship, but challenges of our daily lives caught up to us.  If we didn’t have a strong relationship we wouldn’t have been able to get through the past 2 years.  There is no rush.  You haven’t even finished college yet.  It is easy for him to say he will follow you wherever, but who is to say that won’t change?  I’m not saying you won’t end up together, but the fact that you are scared to get engaged tells me you aren’t ready for this.

Post # 9
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m 22, and we just got engaged last weekend. Our families are delighted, and we were both SO ready and excited. Our wedding will be in late fall of 2018, we think, but we want to take our time with planning. We are crazy about each other and can’t WAIT to get married, and talk about it all the time…  So, while we are really young like you, we both feel ready- no nerves (other than the fun butterflies) and no doubts. Neither one of us felt scared at all. 

The only way of knowing this was to communicate, though. I think you and your boyfriend might want to have a serious conversation. He clearly loves you and wants to commit to you, so I think he should respect your wishes regarding feeling (or not feeling) ready to get engaged. You get a say in this too! You don’t HAVE to be ready. I have friends who are in their late 20s, even 30, who just got married/engaged or don’t feel ready either. Age is not as important as how comfortable you feel. Good luck!

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