(Closed) Scared to leave

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2007

Wow – I’m so sorry to hear this.  And here’s a *hug* from me – cause you need it!!

Ya know – it sounds like you would both benefit from some outside mediation.  Some help communicating and getting to the root of what is causing his fears and accusations.  This definitely does not sound like the start to a healthy marriage – but that doensn’t mean there isn’t hope.  I would seek counseling ASAP.  Hopefully he will agree willingly to this.  If not you may have to be honest and say "Dude – this is not healthy – you don’t trust me – we need help if this is going to work.  I love you and want this to work"  or something.

How long were you guys together before you got married?  Has he ever had a jealous/possesive streak?  Seems wierd that marriage would flip that switch – and so quickly.

I’m thinking about you and hoping for the best!!  It’s also soooo strong of you to recognise/admit something is not right and seek out help!! 

Post # 4
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

its been a while since you posted this, but i am wondering if you’d be able to speak with the minister that married you (if you were married by a minister).

did you guys do any counseling before the wedding? was anything like this addressed in your counseling?

Post # 5
29 posts
  • Wedding: October 2008

Sorry to hear your story and sorry to say, been there, done that.  I was in a 10 year marriage with the same situation, 3 kids.  It was horrible but I just dealt with it.  I always said to him ‘since when did I EVER give you a reason not to trust me?’  Wasn’t good enough for him.  After 10 years, I did a little of my own private eye and caught him cheating on ME!  Turns out he was putting his own guilt on ME to make himself feel better from years and years of cheating.  I pray to god this is NOT your situation but it sounded exactly the way my ex treated me.  Counseling is the answer, get a mediator and get your thoughts and feelings out in the open and make sure he’s listening.  Counseling doesn’t mean it will work out but you can say you tried.  bless you….

Post # 6
2 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

I was in this same situation close to 3 years ago. I was married for 4 months and had the same feelings and things happening as you are. It took me 2 months to get the nerve to admit to myself and to my husband that our marriage was already failing. We ended up going to counseling which didn’t help our situation. I filed for divorce and by the time everything was said and done I was married and divorced in 10 months. I am now engaged to my childhood sweetheart and I couldn’t be happier. So all I can suggest to you is to go to counseling and see what is causing mistrust in the relationship – maybe all you need is clear communication and an "outside" view (counselor) to analyze your situation and give you exercises to work on as a couple to see if your marriage can survive. If you want to write more one on one at all feel free to email me at [email protected].


Post # 7
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I know it’s hard, but if your instinct is that you need to get out, I think you should.  You can always get counseling later if you like – while living apart.  I think that the longer you stay the harder it is to leave, especially if his suspicious behavior ends up isolating you from friends and family.  Sometimes you don’t really see what somebody is like until you’re with them all the time, or until they think they have you in a position where you can’t do much about it.  What you’re talking about is emotional abuse, which is just as serious as physical abuse – and often escalates to physical abuse – but even if it doesn’t, it can be very damaging to you.  If you have somewhere to go (a friend, your parents) just pack your things and go.  Let your husband know that things will have to change drastically for you to be willing to come back.  And for heaven’s sake, don’t let him talk you into believing he will change without some kind of professional help, because he won’t.  Please let us know how you’re doing.  I will pray for you.

Post # 8
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I am so sorry to say i have that problem. As the women in the relationship i do this very thing to my guy. He hates it, and he gets hurt so badly in his heart that i say these things. I feel that i have my reasons for saying these things, but as soon as i say them everyone has their word. And it always falls on me on how i am an awful person for saying this. I aways accuse him of checking out other girls and cheating on me. When he swares to god that he is not doing these things. I am completly upset. Hes a sales man and thats why i get completly crazy in my head. He drives all these nice cars and just joyrides them. He says when hes not making money he will drive a sports car out to the next town and show a client and it always happens to be a female. Or i will see him in town in a jacked up truck with him dressed all good and shit. I get so hurt, i am busting my ass at my job and i get no where. He gets gifts all the time. To the cuncuks game money contests/vacation contests. And he has this smile where he actracts other women. Hes the baby outta the fmaily and a momma’s boy, and he loves women cause he feels their pain. Like for instance my step mom is not doing good with my dad, so she turns her attention to anyone. Well my guy would see this right through her and tell her things to make her laugh, then would you know it. shes giving him a beer and sitting right next to him, while he has his arm around her on the sofa. I see this and just get chocked. I lose it,. But he does it with all the women, including me. I will hate him cause of some dumb thing he blurts out then i will forgive him cause i need someone in my life. I think in your situation. He might be jealious of your work, he maybe getting the clingy deases. I recommend councelling. I am not married yet, but got purposed to last weekend. This weekend had a huge fight, then i decied if i want to marry this man then we need coupals councelling. Not because we have mental problems, we just need to know how to communicate to eachotehr when something arises. Like our fight he points in my face and says, YOUR MOM WAS RIGHT YOU ARE A PSYCO BITCH!!!#$$! OK i am forgive me, but guess what i need you to listen and respect my needs as well. Thats why i am screaming because you sit there watching Hockey!!

Post # 9
38 posts
  • Wedding: October 2009

@ VDB: Did you happen to notice how old this thread is? It’s almost a year old…

Post # 10
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2010


 I’m so sorry that you feel so nervous about what your fiance’s actions are.  You deserve to be in a relationship where you can trust the guy wherever he goes, and you don’t have to worry if he’s making moves on some other girl.  I think couple’s counseling is a great idea, because it’ll allow you both to explain how you’re feeling and hopefully get to the bottom of "WHY."  

And as for your fights, no person, let alone the man who wants to marry you and spend the rest of his life with you, should speak to you like that.

Good luck!

Post # 11
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

@ Mr Chapel:  It can actually work really well to comment on an old post if it pertains to you instead of starting a new one.  It really helps keep the clutter down and is one reason why you’ll see bees pointing out older posts that might help a new bee.

@ VDB: I’m so sorry you’re in this position.  I think you’re right that things need to happen before you can turn this relationship into a healthy marriage.  You might find couple’s counciling to be very helpful.  Good luck with everything!

Post # 12
3979 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

No good ever comes from accusing a partner of cheating or bringing up their past failings in your relationship.

What it really comes down to is: You either trust him/her or you don’t. If you were hurt by your spouse, (if you can) you need to forgive them and move forward. 

If you don’t… cut your losses & put everyone out of their misery. I applaud mercee for wanting to not bring children into that situation. I really feel for her…


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