Post # 1
I’m not sure what to do. I don’t know if I’m overreacting. And frankly, I’m afraid that anyone who hasn’t read my other posts may get the wrong idea from what I can explain in one post. He’s in the shower now, so I’m trying to be fast.
Short story: I found out my boyfriend was addicted to heroin. He got better, started going to NA meetings, got a job, is on suboxone. Seems to be doing great.
But. When he borrowed my car the other day (he was low on gas and his new job is 2 weeks late on pay, so he hasn’t gotten a substantial check yet) he put a fair number of miles on it (75 maybe?), and explained to me why when I asked. He said he went to this cool walkway a ways away. Okay, maybe that doesn’t mean anything.
I’ve been thinking about it, though, and I checked his phone. There were texts from someone I don’t know. I don’t know everyone he grew up with, so that’s not necessarily anything. The texts had this guy telling my SO he couldn’t get him money yet. Then another similar text a few weeks later.
I also noticed a single text from my SO earlier that said “Ya.” There wasn’t a single text before it, so I don’t know what the “Ya” is in response to. Also, there are other texts from other people that occured before the date of his “Ya” text, so I worry that he deleted them. But why would he do that, you know what I mean?
I’m really worried. Tell me this isn’t in my head. Is it? I’m kind of freaked.
Post # 3
Oh no! I’ve been following your story and this is heart-wrenching. You’re amazing for sticking with him.
I think you really need to talk to him. Ask him, tell him you’re having feelings of insecurity about it – can he please be super open with you, has he been meeting people from his past lifestyle, where’s he been going… can you go with him next time he goes somewhere like this… have you been going to his NA meetings with him? Is there some sort of support for you? He should understand that you’re having trust issues, and he should be completely 100% transparent with you on everything. Is your relationship in a place that you could ask about the “ya” text?
This is way over my head, but my heart goes out to you.
Post # 4
I can’t tell you if he is or isn’t using again, but I would suggest Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. They’re groups designed to give you a sounding board and support, whether your SO is currently using or has in the past.
I’m the child of recovering drug and alcohol addict. While I didn’t participate in Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, I did go to NA and AA meetings. The support found there was incredible. Best of weshes!
Post # 5
How do I confront him about this? I’m shaking so badly I can barely type. I don’t know what this means.
Post # 6
Do I tell him I read his texts?
Post # 7
@anonymousbee62: I would be totally honest with him about reading his texts. But I would also tell him that you aren’t mad and that you are only worried and want to know what is going on. If he feels attacked and violated he probably won’t tell you the truth.
Post # 8
I don’t think it’s in your head. The texts about money are what would concern me. Everything else is explainable but the getting him money texts, don’t sound right. Do tell him you read the texts. With everything you have been through I think you have the right to read them.
Don’t do it accusingly but ask him to be honest with you. Remind him that you are asking because you love him.
I’m so sorry about this 🙁
Post # 9
Oh no. I don’t know… I don’t know what to say.
This all just makes me nervous for you. This is not on your head- something is definitelygoing on.
I agree with PP on what to say to him. Let us know how it goes if you can.
ETA: I just read your other posts. I am so sorry you’re going through this. I had a close family member on cocaine and other drugs so I understand some of what you’re going ThrougH. You can PM me if you would like.
Post # 10
I told him I read his texts. I don’t remember exactly what happened because I feel like a mess right now. I’m going to try to write this out so I can have something to remember how it happend as well as get input.
He said the texts did have to do with that, but swore that they were from before he had gotten clean adn went to rehab. The guy still hadn’t paid him back. That seems possible because people who use are terrible with paying back money.
This part I’m uncertain of, so take it with a grain of salt: I want to say that he didn’t admit to anything until I asked him if he would pass a drug test. He gave a vague answer and I asked him more straightforwardly, and he said he wasn’t sure. He said he had taken two Lortabs (an opiate, like heroin) about a week ago and wasnt sure if they would still show up. Cue broken heart. He said he hadn’t sought them out, that a friend had had them legitimately, and he saw them lying around in the bathroom and just took two. Made it sound like he didn’t even think about it. He said he was working up to talking to me about it, but he just got scared. He claims he told his father about it. He’ll be getting a call from me tomorrow.
I asked if he had done anything any other time. He said he had much closer to when he first got clean. It’s been a while, it seems. Again, two Lortabs. Or something.
I do know recovering from heroin is hard. I was expecting a potential lapse. I told myself that I could forgive a lapse if he told me about it right away and took the steps he needed to get back on track. I couldn’t stick around for full relapse, lying, manipulating. I could have gotten pass the lapse, but I don’t know if I can get past him not telling me. It makes it so much worse, and makes me wonder if there is more he hadn’t told me. This is the fourth time he promised me he would do everything he can to stop, but that he will tell me everything. He didn’t. But heroin is hard to recover from. But do I want to stay with someone who is recovering from such a serious type of drug addiction but who isn’t telling me everything? Not really. But I love him, and he is otherwise an amazing guy.
He’s sleeping on the couch tonight. I would have asked him to leave, but we don’t know many people here right now because, well, most of our friends have left this college town. And I don’t want him going somewhere that might have more access to drugs. I would have left but I really don’t want to keep the couple friends I do have left here up all night when they have class tomorrow. Maybe that’s stupid.
Post # 11
I also don’t know if I’m right in feeling suspicious about how many times he took it. Maybe he is really doing a good job for the most part of getting better, but there have been times in the past, before he went to rehab and made a serious effort, when he admitted to the truth, but not the full truth. Now he has made a serious effort. So maybe this time he is telling me the whole truth. But how the hell am I supposed to know?
Plus, I wonder about how tidy his story sounds. He took two Lortabs around the time of rehab, and two Lortabs eight days ago. Forgetting the detail that he took them once so recently–which makes it sound so much more like he could have been using some here and there the whole way through–why was it exactly two Lortabs specifically both times? Is that a crazy suspicion? I don’t know, I’m not even thinking perfectly straight right now.
I don’t know if I’m just disgusted by him right now, but the whole time he was telling me he was sorry and saying all the right things, it sounded so phony. I don’t know, I’m not in the right frame of mind to know.
It also sucks because this is a lot like how I found out how bad his addiction was last time, before he went to rehab. I had asked if he would pass a drug test. He said yes. It wasn’t until I told him I had a drug test in the apartment that he confessed. Granted, this time I didn’t say I had a drug test, but he later admitted in a different context that he didn’t know if I had bought another one.
Post # 12
@anonymousbee62: Wow, that’s rough. I don’t really have any good advice, but I am sending prayers/happy thoughts in your direction.
Post # 13
@anonymousbee62: I’m so sorry. I don’t have any good advice either, but I guess just a reminder for you to always take care of yourself. And of course, think carefully before having children with him (don’t even know if that’s on your radar).
Post # 14
Thank you. I can use positive thoughts any reminders. Honestly, I felt like I was all but ready to marry him once he was clean long enough. Don’t know what I’m doing now.
Post # 15
@anonymousbee62: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. All I can say is that you have my support whether you decide to stay with him or leave him. I don’t think you could make a wrong decision as long as you make it for yourself. Godspeed.
Post # 16
Are you prepared to deal with this the rest of your life? Personally, I think you have given him enough chances and he does not want to change. You can’t fix him.