(Closed) Scarred for life? Cheating father and trust issues with Men.

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1523 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Blondie-I have not experienced this specific issue, but my childhood was very rough at times so I understand what you are saying. I would consider going to counseling to work through some of these trust issues and problems with men. It may help you and help your relationship. I don’t think there is any shame in counseling and I seen a couple of counselors to work through my childhood experiences.

Post # 4
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

My dad cheated on my mom when I was eight, and got engaged to the woman (never married – she actually passed away). She did remarry eventually though, while my mom has remained single with various boyfriends.

Because of that, I think to think that people have to earn my trust before I give it to them, and the hubs has definitely done that. There’s never been a moment where I’ve felt jealous or untrusting around him. I’ve kind of let that part of me go with him.

If you’re still feeling these emotions, I would suggest the possibility of therapy. Sometimes just talking about it, and finding ways to deal with it help tremendously 🙂 Or, just ask yourself, “Has H every given me a reason to doubt him?” If not, try to let it go.

I hope that helps a little!

Post # 6
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry this has happened to you! I have also had to deal with trust issues (not in cheating but prior abusive relationship had me pretty emtionally beat up). Luckily I found an amazing man now! But it’s totally understandable for you to have these haunting fears. And it’s not your fault. Maybe a counselor can help-it’s worth a shot and you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

My mom always said when you think about the past or have these fears make yourself think of something else. Don’t let your mind wander on the ‘what ifs’ The basis of a relationship is trust and you can’t build upon something without trust. For you trust is a difficult concept with what you’ve experienced but always try to keep it in perspective. Your fiance has done nothing to break that so trust in him. Sometimes you HAVE to let go and just trust someone. Marriage is a leap of faith. And that faith means giving yourself to someone else with all your heart.

Good luck dear.

Post # 7
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

i can’t identify exactly, but I can empathize with similar feelings.  I am a lot more guarded and private (though outgoing and all that) in my home life, and that’s a direct result of my childhood. I was just talking last night to Darling Husband about what would happen if we moved back home, and how we’d have people over all the time (parents, sister, etc) b/c that’s just the norm there. Thing is, my house was so tense, and we never had guests. No drop ins, ever, and hardly any scheduled guests. I have to remember to be more open and less guarded with my Darling Husband who comes from a very normal open and loving family. If you are conscious of the issue, it’s easier to tackle. Good luck! I hope you work it out soon – your Darling Husband sounds like a great guy.

Post # 9
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Mamma Mills knows best! No one could possibly blame you for getting scared at times but try to let the sadness of your past not dictate the happiness in your future. You deserve the best future and your man sounds great. Keep looking forward girl!

Post # 10
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2004

Chicago Author Releases New Book About Christian’s Who Suffers With Sexual Addiction In Marriage

Scarred Faith The Wounded Warrior blends stories from many men who have struggled with sexual impurity and broken marriages.

 

Scarred Faith – The Wounded Warrior 

This book is the journey of one man, but the story of many — including those who are struggling today with the temptations of sexual addiction. 

It might seem to be a common story these days, but I believe this book has something new to tell you about desire and pain, as well as forgiveness and renewal. The story is about what happens to a man who is a leader in his church, a married man who is devoted to his wife and family, but who finds himself tormented and torn between his spiritual passion to please the Lord and his deeply-rooted carnal needs as a neglected man. It is also about his undaunted faith, his hope and fear, and the absolute reality of God’s love. 

This is the story of a Christian man who went astray and sinned, repeatedly. You might find this book disturbing, disgusting, or fascinating, but above all, I hope that you will see how the Big Picture is all about breaking free from sex addiction and improving your most intimate relationship — your marriage. I pray this story can be useful in your life, and in the lives of those you love. You might even be a man like the ones characterized in this book, or maybe you’re married to that kind of man. This book is for you. 

This narrative also presents the aftermath of sin, the chastening and anguish of the sinner, as well as the pain and suffering inflicted upon others  by the sinner’s actions. The charity of love will be revealed. 

Above all, this book is about the experience of a man’s deliverance from sin, and by the Grace of God, his incredible awakening to find the Kingdom of God. 

We’ve seen what happened to men such as Tiger Woods, Lawrence “LT” Taylor, Jesse James, Mike Tyson, Bill Clinton and many others, whose lives have been forever changed in light of their indiscretions. But all that we know about those men is tainted by the media because of the money to be made in publicizing their sensational stories. 

Scarred Faith- The Wounded Warrior  will give you a truthful insider’s perspective from the minds of men who fell into sexual addiction, but have since confessed their sin and are receiving help. They have laid out their lives before you –  after you read it,  pass this book on and help others to understand just how deep this sin can take any man who cannot stop himself. 

visit http://www.fastpencil.com/publications/1204-Scarred-Faith for more details

Post # 11
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Blondiebee: Hi ! I understand how you feel. Two things that help me.

1. all men are not cheaters I know this to be fact.

2. anyone can change at any time

 

There is always risk involved in marriage. You just have to be strong enough to handle and confront anything that comes your way. As far as jealousy I have sort of learned that it pushes men away more so don’t indulge. If you truly have a justified reason to be jealous try to talk calmy and rationally about what makes you feel that way. Jealousy is actually a mechanism that happens so you can protect your relationship from someone getting in between you to. But irrational fear is not good and you need to work on calming yourself down. Work out take a walk and work off the steam. Never accuse unless you are sure of what you are saying because the truth always reveals itself.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’m a lot like you. My dad was my world, and when I was eleven we find out that he had cheated on my mom with her best friends. They got divorced when I was thirteen- mom didn’t want to, dad sent her the papers in the mail, without even talking to her about it. I lived with my mom and she would cry constantly and tell me to never trust a man and to only marry for money, It was traumatizing, and now I’m jealous (though I try to work on it) and insecure, and always afraid of being cheated on. I know H won’t cheat on me, but I can’t help but think “what if”. 🙁 I hate it.

Post # 13
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

My Dad cheated repeatedly too. My parents stayed together, but I can’t say it’s a healed or happy marriage.

Then I had a incident that really shook my trust to the foundation. I met someone through work and worked with him on an off for several years. Then we started dating long distance, but he was in town ever other week–he was divorced with 2 kids. After several months I moved and the relationship sorta petered out. Suddenly, I get a phone call from HIS WIFE! Whaaa? I thought he was divorced. Come to find out he was married with 3 kids–Seriously *everything* he told me was a lie–where he went to college, things he did with the kids on the weekend, business trips he went on.

I was shocked and felt so gullible. My head was reeling for months. Then I had an epiphany—I didn’t do anything wrong; there is nothing wrong with trusting people. He was the bad guy. I wasn’t going to live my life with him hanging over all my relationships. So I made the decision at that moment, to start trusting people. But I wouldn’t be able to do that without 2 things…

  1. …the ability to listen to and trust my instincts. Knowing when it’s my gut vs. my fear talking.
  2. …the knowledge that if the worst happens, I will survive. I don’t live in fear (what if he cheats?), because if he does, I will survive.

Go to therapy. Deal with your anger and hurt from your Dad. This will help you distinguish better whether your instinct is talking or your fear is talking. It will also help you develop coping mechanisms so that if the worst happens, you know you will be strong enough to survive.

  

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