Post # 1
Once again, back with a third post. I didn’t lie when I said I have issues with this new beginning in my life, lol.
So our big day is in October and I am getting nasty jitters. I am getting doubts about how successful our marriage will be and I want to make sure I am doing the right thing.
During our 4 year relationship, I found to grow very fond of my boyfriend and there was not a day that passed that I didn’t think of marrying him. I told people how I felt this was it and I never felt so sure before in my life.
I know the difference between short term and long term. I have had all short terms and I knew that someday they were going to end. But with my fiance, I never felt that. Not once. I try to picture being with someone else, maybe even with someone with similar interests as me and I still can’t picture myself without my fiance.
Lately, I find I have not been feeling like that. My eyes have been gawking more at other gentlemen and its like there is apart of me that is trying to see if there is a little spark with some of them. Its not like I want to either but its been an annoying impulse now. And when I am with him, I find that I get easily irritated with his quirks and there is a lack of patience. I am suppose to be moving out with him in May to our first place and I am getting really doubtful with my current emotions.
Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong?
Post # 3
Is there something you are mad at him for or do you hold resentment for something?
Post # 4
Is the plan to move in together possibly what is freaking you out? It’s a big step and can be overwhelming. I’m not sure if anything major happened around when you started feeling that way or not.
Post # 5
nope, nothing happened. We never broke up during our relationship and if anything goes wrong, we openly talk things out. We never have nasty fights and things are quite good. But the thing is, I get into these cycles of doubts. I talk to him about it and he thinks that anytime something goes wrong, I freak out. I dont want to torture him like this when we get married. I dont know how to stop this..
Post # 6
Hmm, have you been hurt in the past? Are you being protectful of yourself?
Post # 7
DH and I moved in together after the wedding. It has been hard – the epitome of the word adjustment. And every now and then I get this little feeling, I hope I made the right decision, I hope I made the right decision. And those times come when I’m feeling overwhelmed, stressed, upset, etc. etc. We happen to have an incredibly stressful living arrangment (our apartment wasn’t ready until after the wedding..grr..so we moved into my childhood home for about a month and so we’re dealing with that and then moving and organizing our new lives in an apartment). I would personally look into whether it’s just panic – that can happen, the wanting to feel the spark with someone else, due to panic and stress and overwhelming feelings. Also, in those times I described above I am incredibly impatient with DH. But just today I moved all of my personal clothing belongings into the new apartment and I came “home” so refreshed and accomplished and at ease that we’re moving forward that those impatient feelings and upset feelings that were so prevalent recently were gone.
I’m not sure what advice I can give, just know that you’re not alone with having doubts and being completely scared and it may be the panic of the whole transition. I think all the bees above have also given really good suggestions to look into about why you could be feeling this way. Good luck. *hugs*
Post # 8
maybe you are testing the relationship, trying to push him away to see if he will stick around. Maybe take some time for yourself, getaway and get in touch with your self to see where this is coming from
Post # 9
Hm, I definitely don’t want to say don’t worry about it – it’s nothing – but I do know that after a certain period the honeymoon phase goes out the window. I know I certainly feel less patient with FI’s quirks after being together for 5 years than I did at the beginning when he could do no wrong in my eyes. Sometimes I think it’s a good thing because you then know going into the marriage that it’s not going to be that floating on air feeling for the rest of your life like it maybe was in the beginning. I can’t really relate to kind of looking at other men as I could never imagine living my life without my Fiance or being with anyone else. I know that we were meant to be together. However, I definitely also know that it’s not all romance and sweetness like it was in the beginning. Have you talked to him about how you’re feeling? Has something happened recently to make you feel more distanced from him?
Post # 10
well, admittedly, I do still have a guard up. I have had bad relationships that were emotionally abusive. Also, i feel that i do try to push him away. He asked me why I do that especially when he sees that I do love him. A friend of mine actually said that she, too, tested herself like that prior to her marriage. I don’t know how common that actually is though..but i definitely talk to him about everything. He is very supportive and says that i have to work this out and accept what is happening right now in our lives. But all in all, no, he’s never done anything to me. He’s been wonderful all these years together.
And thank you all for all the supportive responses! I truly appreciate all of your inputs!:)
Post # 11
Talking to a counselor may help too. I know a lot of people don’t like to hear that, but they would be better at helping you understand than us in some circumstances. It’s nice to know that you have such open lines of communication and that nothing drastic has happened to trigger the problem.
My situation isn’t the same, but at one point I did kind of push my Fiance away a bit too. I was fairly heavily abused as a child (physically and emotionally) as well as sexually harassed. At one point I felt like I was damaged and did not deserve him because he deserved somebody without my baggage. I didn’t realize I felt that way at first and only noticed the pushing.
Have you talked to him about your past relationship problems? Letting him know that you have jitters that may be triggered by that might be something to talk about.
Post # 12
Very good advice.
Do you have to complete any kind of pre~marital counselling sessions before marriage with you officiant? If so, perhaps bring up some of what you mentioned then.
If pre~marital therapy is not required, it wouldn’t hurt to seek someone out individually (and maybe later potentially together as a couple) to speak with about what you mentioned. It could be the moving situation that is stressing you out and making you pay extra special attention to Fiance otherwise endearing quirks.
Either way, I’d highly recommend some kind of therapy to help work through some issues. You may find it helps build your relationship stronger and teach you how to communicate effectively so you don’t have to worry about having fights if something comes up or you hold in your feelings until it becomes too much to deal with. it may help him understand you more during your cycles of doubt and help you get to the bottom of what is causing those doubts.
Doesn’t sound like you have insurmoutable issues or serious doubts…just maybe a small case of cool (not even cold) feet. Most people (myself included) get second thoughts when faced with major life decisions.