(Closed) Screaming kids, do you judge the parent?

posted 6 years ago in Babies
Post # 15
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

i try not to because i know i’ll probably be in their shoes some day. but there is definitely a small part of me whose gut reaction is to think ‘omg can you please shut your kid up?’ (i’m a horrible person i know). but i come back down to earth and try to think about how this situation is likely 100 times worse for the parent and if they’re reasonable they are probably SUPER mortified. it only really bothers me when a parent is on their phone or chatting with a friend or just not paying attention and it is clear that the child is just running wild with little to no supervision. that REALLY irritates me… as long as they are making an effort and doing their best, i try just to ignore it.

Post # 16
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee

I won’t judge them immediately.  It sounds like that mom was just trying to get out of the store and trying not to indulge the child’s tantrum any further.  Sometimes, that’s just the best way to handle it.  

On the other hand, if the kids are older it’s very clear that a parent could be doing something to deal with the issue, I start to wonder.  We were at a restaurant not long ago and there was a group of awful children nearby who were banging on the tables, walking over to other peoples’ tables, throwing menus at each other, and trying to trip the waiters.  The parents didn’t do a thing to control them, and these kids were of age to know better (the youngest of the group looked like age 5 or 6).  That type of behavior upsets me more than seeing a 2 year old have a meltdown in a store.

Post # 17
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Do I blame the parents when a child is throwing a temper tantrum and forcing everyone else to deal with their child’s ridiculous screaming and irrational behavior? You bet I do! I absolutely cannot stand to see disrespectful/back talking/hitting/spitting children – that is my BIGGEST irritation in life. Children can and NEED to be trained to act a certain way in public and if it doesnt begin immediately, even before they reach a year, then it will continue to spiral out of control.

I look at the children in my family, my own teenager daughter included, and they ALL knew that if you acted out there would be hell to pay when you got home, no if’s and’s or but’s about it. If even thought I saw a sign of a tantrum coming on, I would get down to their level, firmly grasp their upper arms so they cannot move and are forced to look me in the face and calmly remind them who I am, where we are and what the repercussions are if they chose to act a certain way. 

I am firmly from the camp of “spare the rod, spoil the child” and I will NOT have it!

Post # 18
Member
4846 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yeah I do sometimes. When the kid is freaking out or in distress and they are doing absolutely nothing to calm the kid, or if they’re tearing them a new one in public and escalating all of the upset the kid is already feeling: I judge. 

When you’re in a theatre, lecture, nice restauraunt, wedding or library and your kid is having a full melt down and you don’t know enough to take it outside, yes, judged. 

When your kid if obviously sick, tired, distressed or otherwise just having a tough one, NO. Kids have their moments. I can see you trying. Even if the kid is having a tantrum over froot loops and this is one of those times where not reacting and giving in is necessary, fine. 

 

 

 

Post # 19
Member
760 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think parents these days are in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenario. If I don’t do anything, I’m a bad parent an annoying other customers. If I do do something and yell or reprimand I’m a bad parent for verbally abusing my child in a public place… so parents can’t win.

When I hear a kid screaming in a store, I do what I can to ignore it. I can’t say its always easy but being pregnant with my first, I’m going to be the last to judge a parent for how they handle tantrums. I’m probably going to find myself in a few nasty situations a few years down the road.

Post # 21
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i try REALLY hard not to judge – BUT. i was at starbucks the other day and a woman was waiting in line for coffee and there was a HUGE line in front of her – so she decided to wait at least 10 minutes. the second she got in the line, her toddler in her stroller LOST HER MIND. screaming at the top of her lungs, over and over again, yelling, just absolutely SCREAMING. and the woman decides to wait.in.this.huge.line.for.her.coffee. like – LEAVE! how badly do you need coffee right now?! this kid honestly screeched at a piercing volume for 15 straight minutes while everyone person in the place stared at this mother like, ‘give her your goddamn keys or something!’ i should clarigy that the woman did absolutely NOTHING to diffuse the situation. didn’t talk to her, give her a toy/snack, nothing. just blankly stared into space at the menu board.

if you’re in a situation where you can step out and discipline your kid, you should. and you know what? maybe this isn’t your day to get a mocha frappa whatever. it was soooooo bad. 

and i’m with you. we didn’t do tantrums because my mother just would not have it. just would NOT. i once acted up at a friend’s house while my parents were having dinner and she literally unlocked the door of the car from the house and told me to go get in the car and lock the door – and then she finished dinner. 

Post # 22
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Sometimes kids throw tantrums to get attention, and responding to it only encourages the behaviour. So in this case I would have given them the benefit of the doubt.

That said, I do judge parents with older children when the kids act like brats and the parents do nothing. Especially if the children are 6+.

Post # 23
Member
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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Steampunkbride:  +10000000!!!! I’ve been there too. Granted my boys are now 11 and 7 year old twins but my 11 year old–WHEW, he could be downright miserable at times! Sometimes the best way to get them to stop is to not acknowledge the tantrum as they are doing it for attention and that attention fuels the fire so to speak. I shudder just thinking about those days lol, glad they’re over!!!!

ETA: the only time I’ve caught myself judging lately was at my 14yo SD’s recent award ceremony. Somebody in the back had a SCREAMING baby and it was really annoying that they wouldn’t take the baby out of the echoing auditorium. Common sense people. 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by  RedheadMeggs.
Post # 24
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

No, I do not.  Sometimes I think (as I am not a parent yet) what I would do in those situations myself.  Would I remove the child, ignore the child, reprimand the child??  Who is to say, but my own Mother told me I was the queen of toddler tantrums, and she would often ignore me, and not give a hoot what the stranger next to her was thinking.  

Her theory, albeit may not be ‘right’, was that if she dropped everythign and left, it would teach me that tantrum =  getting my way (probably because I would throw them in places like the grocery store, or church…where I had no toys, or ‘fun’ for me!).  So, telling me to stop, and then ignoring my outbursts probably (without knowing it) taught me that she was not budging on the situation, and if I chose to misbehave, then I would eventually get spanked when we got home.  No good!!!

I hope I am ‘strong’ enough to do the same.

Post # 25
Member
5940 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

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Daizy914:  Yes and no. I prefer to see them TRYING to placate the kid so if they’re not even trying, I could be irritated. But you never know what’s going on with the kid. Did they just came from the doctor, she got some shots, she has an ear infection and missed her nap? Maybe she’s mentally challenged? Anything could be happening…

Post # 26
Member
2479 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

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Rachel631:  I’m right with you on the older children behaving horrendously too.

There’s an absolutely enormous difference between older children (who do not any sort of special educational needs) who behave like hooligans and a toddler having a tantrum.

I was a very liberal parent in many respects but I had zero tolerance of bad manners and brattish behaviour. It has been interesting to see that my son and DIL hold similar views so far as my granddaughters are concerned too!

I was always determined not to end up as one of those judgemental old biddies that seem to take pleasure in tut-tutting about children’s behaviour. But for sure, when I see out of control children of 6 and upwards ruining a restaurant or coffee shop for everyone else by their behaviour then it takes a lot of self-control to avoid the judgemental stare!

Post # 29
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

A bee with no kids here!! For myself I try hard not to judge mothers with their children because they have sooo much more to deal with than me. I do hate a situation where a child is running around being loud rude messy or what not Or that are not buckled into shopping carts and the parents are too busy to notice.  Contain your children lol 

Post # 27
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

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Steampunkbride:  Yep. Right with you.

The two examples I remember the most clearly were:

1. When I was on a flight and these three kids (aged perhaps about 5, 7 and 9) were kicking the seats, running up and down screaming, throwing things, and harrassing the staff. The parents did nothing… they sat there and had a conversation about something different, interjecting every few minutes to demand something from the attendant… washcloths, peanuts, drinks etc. Nightmare.

2. When this middle class mother with three kids (maybe about 6, 8 and 10? Maybe older?) was at the airport (different flight to the previous example) picking up her luggage and the kids were running about and shoving their arms into the machinery on the moving conveyer belt, trying to climb on the machinery etc. She kept saying things like “Tarquin, don’t… you’ll lose a gold star”. It was legitimately dangerous and she was pathetically ineffective.

But when a 2 year old throws a fit? Totally different scenario.

Post # 28
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

View original reply
Daizy914:  The only reason I would judge would be if the child was being placed in danger by the parents’ actions (or lack of actions). In this situation, no I wouldn’t judge. I have no idea what is going on with the kid to make them that upset – it could be something as simple as a tantrum or it could be that the kid has an emotional disorder that makes it difficult for them to react in an appropriate manner when they are overstimulated.

Public places aren’t just for adults – kids and babies have to go places and be places too. When I go out in public I don’t expect every kid to behave perfectly all the time. A crying kid in a store is perfectly acceptable to me because the parents need to get the shopping done at some point.

View original reply
iarebridezilla:  I worked in a grocery store for 9 months a few years ago. There was one mom who would come in with her infant daughter, while her other daughter was at school. I kid you not, every single time they walked into the store the baby would start crying – I mean, the second they walked through the door there would be screaming. We all felt so bad for that poor mom because she had no clue why she would cry like that and nothing she did would help. I jokingly mentioned that I wanted to cry when I came in the store too and it made mom feel a lot better.

Post # 30
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I try not to, but I’ll admit…sometimes I do. Not so much the parent that ignores it if I can see that even they are visibly annoyed, but the parent that keeps grabbing her child’s arm and screams, “Knock it off” or “stop it.” I highly doubt that works at home.

My mom used the ignore method on my brother one time. He was 5, wanted a train set, and sat next to it screaming and crying in the middle of the store. Typically, my mom would get down to our level and say, “Look, if you are going to throw a tantrum, we are going to leave” and by God, if she said it, she meant it. There were only a select few times she ever had to do it, but she left all her groceries, hauled us out, and that was it.

In the case of my brother and the train set, I don’t know exactly what was different that day, but she let him scream and cry it out until she was done with her business and hauled him out of the store. He kicked the back of her car seat the whole way home. He eventually calmed down.

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