Post # 1
My boyfriend of 2.5 years has confessed to me several reasons why he does not want to get married to me right now. There was a multitude of issues he brought to the table about me that I want to work on and better myself. He told me he sees me as a potential wife but there were many things that I had done or did not do that led him to decide that we need to work on ourselves in order to improve the relationship.
He told me the past year he started to feel I was not the one and we would eventually break up. I had no idea that the things I did or did not do (attitude, finances, social norms around family) was a deal breaker. He confessed he should’ve communicated this to me early on but felt that he did not want to rock the boat/have fights with me.
I truly want to work on myself for us and also for my growth. He says he loves me, cares for me, and wants to work it out and he believes in us. I feel so guarded because everything he has done up to this point has led me to believe he is serious about me and there was nothing wrong in our relationship. I simply thought our arguments here and there were normal..
Bees, emotions were running high and we both fear of losing each other. We forgave each other for our big and small mistakes and want to move on. I asked him to be truly honest with himself if he wants to work it out and he said yes. I just can’t shake off the feeling the past year (which to me has been the most special year) was a lie to me, and he said and did many things for me to think he was committed and serious about me.
We both gave each other a second chance to communicate our needs better and to understand one another better. A part of me feels conflicted as I don’t know where his heart truly stands… advice?
Post # 2
No – I would leave.
Find someone who loves you for the way you are now and doesn’t want to change you.
Post # 3
I don’t like the idea of you being “wife material” but only if you change X, Y, and Z about yourself. That’s not how its supposed to work. Its not about molding someone into who you want them to be, it’s about finding someone you love and accept as they are.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to better yourself but there’s something about those changes being demanded before you are good enough for marriage that is just a gross attitude to have.
What is it exactly that he feels you need to change?
Post # 4
vantage00 : What exactly is he saying that you need to change? Is he saying that YOU are the only one who needs to change and work on yourself? Because that’s not cool. It’s one thing if he realized you BOTH have issues you need to resolve/work on before you can move forward in your relationship, but it sounds like he’s putting everything on your shoulders: fix this or else we’re done.
Post # 5
Second chances? You posted 3 days ago that he isn’t ready for marriage. Sorry bee, you need to take this time and work on yourself.
Post # 6
I don’t like the sound of this. I understand improving yourself for YOU but I don’t understand changing yourself just because you aren’t “good enough” for someone else.
Another thing I noticed is that it is all about what YOU need to change. There’s nothing about what he is willing to work on. I’m assuming that wasn’t what the discussion was about, it sounds like it was all about all of your “faults” that make you appear unmarriable in his eyes.
He should love you for who you are, it sounds like he gave you a laundry list of things to change to be a better match for him. Gross.
Post # 7
So he wants you to become a totally different person and you’re cool with that?
Girl, no. This is NOT how it works. Like, at all.
Post # 8
It sounds to me like he’s just keeping you around. He doesn’t sound like he’s close to thinking about marraige when he was waiting for yall to break up. Cut your loses. You shouldn’t have to fix things about yourself.
Post # 9
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
vantage00 : Improving oneself is not the issue here. He has mislead you and not communicated his feelings towards you. After 2.5 years, if you are not fond of eachothers attitudes and whatnot, then you’re not a good match. If he couldn’t communicate how he felt and he openly stated that he was thinking you would just break up like it was no big deal, then I don’t think he truly cares enough about you or your relationship for marriage.
Post # 10
Can you give some specific examples of the things your bf wants you to change about yourself?
This whole thing is giving me flashbacks to my last relationship. I too thought everything was great and then out of nowhere my ex would hit me with things like “I just can’t really trust you” and bring up shit that I had said or done like 9 or 10 months previously that he’d never mentioned before but apparently had been stewing over all that time and holding onto in his back pocket.
Without knowing more, it’s impossible to say whethre his complaints are warranted or not, but I really don’t like that he kept all of this quiet for so long and then suddenly comes out with it and basically gives you a to-do list of things to change about yourself. Don’t you think you’ll feel like you’re constantly on trial if you stay with him? I would.
Post # 11
Did he say he needed to work on anything or just that you do? Everything you said here is very one-sided, as if you’re the one who’s going to have to change or jump through hoops to win his hand in marriage. My advice if that’s the case? It’s total crap. Sometimes couples do have things that need to be worked on prior to marriage, be it going to counseling to hash out issues or saving up money, but it should never be something where one person has to work on themselves like you’re describing. I’ve been in similar situations before and all it did was mentally and emotionally exhaust me, until I finally accepted that I wasn’t the one and left. To be blunt, if after 2.5 years he doesn’t think you’re the one, then I don’t think he ever will.
Post # 12
If someone has a legitimate issue, for example You need to stop drinking so much that’s one thing- but if a guy gives you a list of things you need to work on about yourself in order to be good enough to be considered potential wife material- tell him to shove his list up his ass on his way out the door.
Post # 13
The way your post is reading that you’re the only working on yourself to move towards marriage. So if that’s the case – why is he some grand prize that you need to work towards getting when he can’t see you as an equal grand prize? You both should be identifying ways you can both be better for each other, not just one person.
Based on your post, the issues seem to be focusing on him, not you. How he’s lacking, not you. He can’t communicate with you. He doesn’t know what he wants but he’s willing to string you along until he works it out. Maybe I’m missing something but it sounds like you can do a lot better.
Post # 14
loz24 : why is he some grand prize that you need to work towards getting when he can’t see you as an equal grand prize?
+1000 THIS. So much this. This sentence articulates perfectly why his list of improvements for you to work on pissed me off so much.
Post # 15
I agree with the others that this is kind of off the wall. It seems like there are a lot of stories- my own included- where the guy is headed down the marriage path, gets scared, maybe for real reasons related to incompatibility or maybe because he is ambivalent/phobic and not ready for the responsibility of marriage, but rather than owning his own issues and communicating about it, he freaks out and provides a long list of faults and reasons as to why it it the woman’s fault he doesnt want to get married, maybe to justify the end in his own mind and stregnthen his own argument for running away rather than working through his fear and ambivalence. These guys are so far in their own heads that we are reduced to an unrecognizeable list of faults.