Second chances.. thoughts?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee

Oh heck no!! Based on this and the other post, you need to walk away!! He doesn’t sound like the Christian leader he is supposed to be as the husband at all!

Post # 32
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like your best shot at “improving yourself” is showing him the door and slamming it shut behind him.

Post # 33
Member
7711 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

vantage00 :  Wow, so basically he just kept a running list of every instance where you did something he didn’t approve of, and then one day months or years after most of these incidents occurred, decided to unleash on you to prove you aren’t marriage material?

F that. I’m not saying a partner should never speak up when the other does something that bothers them–of course they should!–but those convos need to happen in the moment or very shortly thereafter. Holding onto them like he did and then strategically breaking them all out the moment you want to take the relationship to the next level is the coward’s approach. I get the feeling (sorry this is going to be kinda harsh) that he’s just not that into you, but rather than ending things cordially or respecfully, he needs to ease his conscience by making you into this deeply flawed, unworthy girlfriend figure.

girl, you ARE worthy – now it’s time go find someone who values you exactly as you are!

 

Post # 34
Member
5842 posts
Bee Keeper

vantage00 :  Awww honey, your update makes me sad. Do not let anyone treat you like you’re ‘less than’. IMO when he was disrespectful enough to tell others you’re ‘not the one’, that should be the final straw. He’s acting like you’re lucky he’s putting up with you while you try and make yourself worthy of him. To be perfectly blunt he sounds like a condescending prick. HE should feel LUCKY to have you.

And please don’t try to excuse or rationalize his behaviour by saying there are things about yourself you do need to work on. Of course there are, we all have areas of our lives/ ourselves we want to work on and improve on- but that doesn’t give some smug bastard the right to make a list and shove it under your nose as a To Do list to possibly be considered good enough for him. We’re not talking genuine concern of his for a major problem, we’re talking about him looking at you with a critical petty eye and picking you apart.

And this type of personality trait in him is very very unlikely to disappear after engagement or marriage, he’ll constantly be holding up a yardstick you don’t quite measure up to in his eyes. You don’t want to sign on for a lifetime of this.

Post # 35
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

Why are you wasting time with this guy? End it.

Post # 36
Member
2569 posts
Sugar bee

He doesn’t want to marry you and he’s coming up with reasons not to. And they’re lame reasons, too (you were on your phone too much ONE time?! really?) — if these are your worst flaws you are a gigantic catch. I’m all for self improvement, but even if you “fixed” all these things (some of which you actually can’t because they’re isolated past incidents), I’m willing to bet he’d just come up with more new reasons he can’t marry you. At the end of the day, it isn’t about the reasons – those are just things he’s using to justify to himself why he has reservations. It’s ultimately that he doesn’t love you enough or want to marry you, because for most people a few minor things like this would NOT be dealbreakers in an otherwise amazing relationship. Sure, if you were on your phone at a family dinner, then I could see being bothered and bringing it up – but that’s the kind of minor disagreement you have in the moment and move past, not an all-out dealbreaker (unless there were majorly extenuating circumstances, like you took calls during a funeral or something, and again, if you were upset enough for it to be a dealbreaker you’d address that immediately).  Using stuff like this to hold over you is manipulative and cruel, as is letting you believe he’s all in when he’s telling his friends that he’s not. You can do so much better! 

Post # 37
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Sounds just like my ex. He broke up with me 4 years into our relationship for the same types of reasons, but then came right back and decided to make it work. Two years later he did it again, citing all the same types of stuff: I don’t call his mother enough (never mentioned in 6+ years), I’m not friendly enough with his friends (who were all from med school and only talked about med school, leaving me with nothing much to say), my parents’ house is messy and they didn’t pay for my college, all of a sudden he said we had nothing in common (despite doing things together all the time for years), etc. A bunch of stuff he’d been stewing on for years and never brought up. Now, I don’t necessarily think that he (or your SO) were necessarily doing it to be mean or manipulative, I think they just wanted to avoid fighting and hoped that their feelings would change and something would click where they would somehow feel that the relationship was right. The reality is that sometimes good relationships fail and it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault and there’s not necessarily some big reason, but if someone still has doubts about YOU after 2.5 years, you need to cut your losses and leave because it’s not going to get better. 

Post # 38
Member
6833 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

DTMFA!!!

Post # 40
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

vantage00 :  Yeah, no.

Everyone has flaws. No one is perfect. He doesn’t understand that.

Be with someone that accepts you for who you are right now.

Post # 41
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

vantage00 :  Break up and revisit in a year or two…. what a crock of shit. 

Keep you on the hook for a year or two, but still be able to do whatever he wants is more like it. My ex said the exact same thing! I gave up on that and by the time we were supposed to “revisit” I was already married to my husband. He is not worth any more of your time, someone will love you for who you are right now.

 

Post # 42
Member
10078 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

YOU. CAN. DO. BETTER.

Post # 43
Member
1169 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I’ve been married twice, the first time for 22 years, and one thing thst I can tell you is that both of my husbands at the time we got married and even today say that they would crawl through broken glass for me.  That’s a direct quote.  You need to quit wasting your precious time on Mr. Douche and find the man, the real man, who will gladly crawl through broken glass for the honor of your company. 

Post # 44
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

OP im so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been in your shoes. WALK and never look back.

Like the other ladies are saying, there is no need to change for anyone. Improving for yourself is wonderful, but not because anyone wants to change you but because you want to continue growing as an individual. 

You need to walk and find someone who loves you for who YOU are. This creates so many insecurities in a woman that I can’t stress enough that as soon as a woman encounters this situation is best to walk and not look back because the longet you stay the more your head will get F-UP. Even if you are the most confident woman on earth you will start doubting yourself, wondering what is wrong with you, what is it that you are “missing”, how to be “perfect and the list goes on. It’s beyond unhealthy.

It’s not easy but I promise you, it will get better and you WILL GROW from this for yourself. 

As far as your S/O he needs to be gone, drop him like a bad habit. In time he might come back realizing he lost something great. By then hopefully you are happily in a better relationship and or married. 

Good luck and HUGS. 

Post # 45
Member
497 posts
Helper bee

Kick this LOSER out NOW!

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