Post # 46
I just wanted to give an update. I brought up another talk with him last night to express my feelings. I came from a forgiving and loving standpoint, but also held my ground. I told him what I was looking for in a husband (communication, trust, integrity – all these qualities) and I told him that it is something he needs to be aware and work on. I also told him some other things that bothered me such as his “ideals” in a perfect wife and projecting his expectations on me. He got very emotional and apologized profusely, saying he didn’t realize that he was actually trying to make another version of himself on me. And he said he screwed up saying he did not see me as an equal and would like to change that. He apologized for hurting me and felt that he did not deserve forgiveness. He told me he prided himself to be someone who seemed very perfect on the outside but very broken in the inside, and that after this conversation he realized he was the immature one. I told him to think about it for a couple more days and digest what I had told him…
He told me that I had humbled him to realize that he, too, was far from perfect and it was the first time someone pointed this out to him. At the end of it, he said that he would like to try and pursue me again and to gain my trust and to put the effort in. Will see how it goes.
Post # 47
Well, he said some pretty things, but the kind of changes you are asking for in him are not the work of a moment. Also not sure it’s really possible, in his case, to go from believing you’re not “the one,” telling his friends you’re not the one, coming up with a list of things he doesn’t like about you, etc. to reversing all those positions over night.
I also find his comment about “wanting to see you as an equal” extremely offensive and condescending.
I get that you love him and want to make this work…I’ve been there, believe me. But there’s a world of difference between promising to do things and actually doing them. What I think happened here is that he never expected you to stand up for yourself like you did. He has been taking you for granted, and now you kind of changed the rules of the game by telling him that HE needs to change. He is scared of losing you so he frantically promised to do all this stuff, wept like a baby, etc. – I’ve seen this play out so many times in dysfunctional relationships.
Personally I think you should leave, but I know you probably wont’ at this point (and I don’t judge you for that – I stayed in a bad relationship for years longer than I should have). At the very least proceed with great caution and make sure you actually hold him accountable to his words.
Post # 48
It sounds like he might have some significant self esteem issues and by trying to make you perfect, he will then be good enough– since right now he does not feel that way. His criticism toward you is projecting how he feels toward himself. Its great that you are starting to communicate more openly to be able to identify the issues. I hope you can work on things together to move forward since it seems like you really love him. Just don’t lose yourself and your own self esteem in the process.
Post # 49
tiffanybruiser : Yes, you’re right. Logically, I know what I *should* be doing (i.e break it up and if he fights for me, there’smy answer). I am only trying because this is the first time he has ever expressed sincere honesty about his feelings and thoughts about our relationship, and we have given each other space and time to respond to each of the points. This will be an on-going challenge and he will give me his final thoughts by the end of the week. I no longer have expectations and decided to try and to be a better version of myself, for me, and not anyone else’s ideals or standards.