Post # 1
Hi Bees, I hope everyone is well and safe,
I am sure some of you have seen my previous thred about breaking up with my boyfriend of nearly 7 years.
I just wanted to post a little update and some further questions, I am driving myself crazy (and probably many of you too) trying decide what is best to do.
So 2 weeks ago I moved home to my mums house, I told my SO that I needed some space and some time to think because I wasn’t sure that our relationship could be fixed.
Since then I Have felt all sorts of emotions, I iss him, I feel lost and numb, but at the same time I feel hopeful that I could still have a happy life outside this relationship. He has also had a lot of emotions, we’ve had an argument via text but we have also had some nicer words. Long story short he doesn’t want to give up on us, he thinks that my unhappiness stems from other issues in my life (I hate my job etc) and that the relationship isn’t the source of my unhappiness.
He has told me that he wants to be with me and give this a proper fight, that we do want the same things and that he wants to spend more time with me. He has apologised for his part in this, and I do believe him.
I am just so unsure if I want to invest more time and effort into this relationship, as I fear the same things will happen again. I am worried that we would fall into our old patterns, but I do love him and I am finding it hard to imagine giving up this relationship entirely, but maybe that’s the right thing to do? I do believe that there is more happiness to be experienced in my life and I want that to happen.
Does anyone have any advice? Or been in similar situations?
Post # 2
I think you answered your own question. Not saying second chances can’t work out but usually people fall back into their old ways. Seven years with someone is a long time and two weeks isn’t enough time to see beyond the rose colored glasses of missing someone. You say you have your doubts and there’s more happiness to be experienced so I think you owe it to yourself to find that. Good luck Bee!
Post # 3
The two of you couldn’t even manage to not argue over text message for two measly weeks when you allegedly miss each other and allegedly want to make it work. Text message – where you can take all the time and thought you need to craft kind, thoughtful, mature responses before you hit that send button. And instead you argued.
I mean seriously…ponder how seriously seriously screwed up and toxic that is.
Post # 4
Bee–you’re still arguing even apart. He’s not going to change into a planner, it’s not going to happen, and it’s still going to hurt your feelings. He told you that he wants to be with you–did he ask you to marry him? ?? Or does he just want to go back to his comfortable status quo?
What about this relationship is different today compared to how it was when you decided to leave? Nothing.
Post # 5
he thinks that my unhappiness stems from other issues in my life (I hate my job etc) and that the relationship isn’t the source of my unhappiness.
This is gaslighting. Move on bee, he won’t change and you’ve already invested seven years of your life – don’t waste any more.
Post # 6
Outside issues that could be bothering you shouldn’t have an impact on a relationship in such a way that you break up. It is incompatibility. I think that so long as you’re in contact you’ll just keep finding your ways back to eachother. It’s best to end it if it’s time to end it and make it a for sure thing, not keep talking and getting confused. You could waste more time. I have seen it happen so many times. It is very typical for this to be a cycle in relationships when there’s incompatibility.
Post # 7
There’s a lot to unpack from your posts and replies. What I got was that you have very low self-esteem, you’re afraid of being disliked, make decisions (because you might make “the wrong one” and people might dislike that, tying to the latter) and you worry too much what other people are gonna say if you break up with this guy.
You need a lot of therapy that will help you get down to the roots of your insecurities, and give you the tools to deal with adversity, criticism, and most importantly, setting up boundaries!
You’ve only been apart for two weeks, this time is the hardest on a breakup. You need a good month I think to stop seeing through rose tinted glasses about how much you love him and miss him- then you’ll start seeing things clearly when emotions are not as raw. It seems you’re starting to get there as you said you see a happy life outside this relationship! That’s a massive sign. I think you know in your heart that you can do and deserve better! This will be hard for you, don’t think of the time “wasted” or that you might lose friends over this, because you need to reassure yourself you will gain a lot more from this. I suggest you also be open to trusting the timing of your life- you might not get the marriage and children in your 20s, that’s ok, you can get them in your early 30s, breaking up doesn’t mean you won’t get them.
Post # 8
Don’t do it. You can already see that life can be great without him. You’ll feel so much better in the long run.
Post # 9
He could very easily show up at your mother’s house with a ring and propose. Note, I’m not saying he should – in fact given the state of your relationship I think he absolutely should NOT! – but I am pointing out that there is a very easy fix for one of your major problems.
It doesnt need to be a fancy ring or a Hollywood proposal: he could just come to you, apologize for taking so long and ask you to marry him. With this move, he’d knock two of your very valid concerns out of the way: he’d be showing you that he is taking a more active role in planning your life together AND that he is commited to getting married. (Again, not at all saying he should do this, just saying he could).
But he still doesnt. Instead he’d rather argue with you and try to convince you that the problem and its solution are not the very obvious ones staring you both right in the face…
Girl, you already know. You know he won’t change because in this moment when he could be showing you that he HAS changed, he is instead showing you he hasn’t. This is the scene in the movie where the heroine is about to board her flight and your hero, instead of rushing to the airport, is still at home rehashing the same old arguments over text. Blegh, move on.
Post # 10
Please don’t.. just don’t do it. You’ll look back in 1 year and remember being stronger than this, and better off.
Post # 11
Breaking up and getting back together is such a huge waste of time and just prolongs the heartbreak. Nothing has changed here and it’s super shitty that he’s telling you that you don’t even know why you’re unhappy and he knows better than you do. And of course none of it is actually his fault. That says pretty clearly he isn’t going to change a damn thing.
Don’t waste more of your time with this guy. Cut off contact and move on with your life.
Post # 12
When you are with someone that long, the sadness you are feeling is totally understandable and I feel for you. That is so hard and takes so much guts. Good for you! You have done the hardest part – you have changed living arrangements. You are already over that hump, you can do this!
I was in a relationship for 2.5 years, and immediately after went into a relationship for 3.5 years, and I ran home with my tail between my legs back to my parents once it ended. I commented on another bee’s post about how this time ended up being such a good experience in my life – I learned how to be independent, I learned how to have fun again with my girlfriends, and I had all these crazy fun nights that I missed out on when I was wrapped up in relationships for years of my life. I learned who I wanted in a partner by dating again. Use this time to reconnect with your girls and go have fun, spend time with your parents, delete social media for awhile, go on weird funny Tinder dates, cleanse your stuff that was “ours”, find a job you love. As I always say, “lean into it” and become the best person you can be. I even spontaneously went to Ireland for a week! Just go for it girl, go DO YOU. Time will heal. <3
Post # 13
So much for time apart…sounds like you aren’t taking this “break” seriously. Why are you even talking to each other? You’re literally arguing from separate locations.
Break up. Move on.
He still isn’t proposing even after you left. Nothing has changed. You are wasting your time and energy.
Post # 14
You’ve totally hit tha nail on the head in terms of what I need to work on in therapy. I actually read your reply after my latest therapy session, in which my therapist said I needed to work on boundaries! You’re right, I am so worried about judegement and not being liked. And avoiding criticism has contributed to me ending up in this position in the first place. Thank you for such an honest reply.
I went to speak to him yesterday, he wanted to talk to I agreed. I was shaking when I got to the house because I was so worried about an argument starting.
We did argue and I cried, but we did eventually have a calmer discussion. He actually told he about his proposal plans, in detail (which I think was a bit harsh, but I think he’s trying to prove there was a plan) it was a lovely and meaningful idea. He said that he never brought this up previously in case he couldn’t meet the deadline in time so rather didn’t set one – I explained that I needed one after asking for so long.
He has said that he is willing to change and do everything he can for us in the relationship and is willing to do the hard work he just needs my heart to be in it and give him another chance.
We agreed to take the week no contact to talk and meet up next week for a final decision.
Part of me wants to move on and start over and another part of me wants to try because we’ve been together so long and I did want to spend my life with him at one point. I am just so unsure which is the right decision. I have told him I am worried about going back to this and ending up in the same position next year but he thinks that this will work and we can be happy again.
I feel so much love and friendship for him, he’s honestly my best friend, I am just worried that the lack of passion has now gone and won’t come back.
Post # 15
He’s telling you what he knows you want to hear. I seriously doubt it’s because he has any intention of changing because if he was going to change he’d have done it in the SEVEN YEARS you guys were together.
To me it seems like he has probably preyed on your self doubt to make you rely on him more and make you feel like you need him and can’t be without him. Truth is you can be without him and will most likely live a far happier life if you leave him behind, keep attending counselling and then once you’re stronger on your own with good boundaries and self esteem, find someone who will be your equal partner, who will respect you and not find excuses for things, who you won’t argue with all the time because you’ll have boundaries and respect for each other.
I really don’t see any good coming of you meeting your ex next week. I think if you go then you’re basically going to end up back where you were in a year, once he’s not on his best behaviour he’ll revert back. You gave him seven years, don’t let him have a day longer.