(Closed) Second Engagement – Family Not Excited

posted 9 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

How does your family feel about your FI?  Maybe that has something to do with it?  Or maybe they are trying to sort out their feelings for this the second time around — they are happy but still cautious?  

I’d say just roll with it – they will come around eventually (especially as it gets closer).  My family has gotten increasingly helpful as we’ve closed in on the date.  … they were excited when we got engaged but I didn’t get much by way of unsolicited assistance.   

Good Luck and Congrats! 

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You still have a long time to go! When I first got engaged, my family was happy for me, but when I started bringing up venues and dresses and invitations, I kinda got the feeling they could care less. They just seemed pretty apathetic. Now that it’s getting really close though, they are really excited, so maybe just give them some more time. It’s hard to get excited about something so far ahead in the future.

Post # 5
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hmm, sorry to hear your family doesn’t seem to be sharing your excitement this time around. How long has it been since you broke off your first engagement? Maybe your family is worried that it’s too soon? Or they’re just being cautious?

I too broke off my first engagement, but there was A LOT of time between my first and second engagements — almost 10 years, with my mom beating the "when are you getting married and giving me grandchildren?" drum almost the whole time. I was very young the first time around — was supposed to get married at 22 — so it just felt so different back then vs. how it feels now. I feel so much more certain of myself and much more in charge. I’m sure you can relate!

Hugs to you! I’m sure your family is excited, they’re just not showing it yet …

Post # 7
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I hear you on the "it’s over before it’s over thing". I think when we are younger we tend to let our relationships draw out more than we do when we’re older. At least I know I was the same way when i was 16-19. I don’t think I’d give it as much time now if I weren’t engaged.

Maybe they’re just less surprised. If you started dating current Fiance at 19, you’ve been together 3-4 years. Maybe they faked excitement for you the first time around? I feel really bad saying that, but if your first Fiance was sort of a crappy person (and it sounds like your relationship was rocky), maybe they were just trying to be really encouraging. Maybe this time around they’re just being more realistic and it was more expected so it’s less of an "omg she’s getitng married" thing and more of a natural progression. 

I had to ask my mom on the phone. "Aren’t you even excited for me? I’m getting married!" and she said, "yes we’re excited for you, but we’re realistic also" and i asked her wtf that meant. I basically told her that was a silly notion considering what my Fiance and I had been through (deployment, long distance, etc etc) and once I actually got her involved in the planning (as opposed to just floating ideas by her), she got more excited. Give them some time. I know we want everyone to be as ridiculously thrilled as us, but that’s hard work, lol! Can you get your family involved in something? Like coming over and helping you make invitations? That might make it seem more "real" and that it’s happening. I don’t know that their lack of excitement is necessarily due to this being your second engagement, though, so try not to be too hurt by it. It sounds like you have a really good guy and everybody loves him!

Post # 8
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I had a lot of concerns about my second engagement as well. I’m glad to see that your family agrees that the two of you are serious. I agree with ejs, though, that if the wedding is a year away your family could just not see it as something to be "excited" about every day. I think a lot of us, even those who aren’t questioning the second engagement, feel like our families and friends aren’t quite excited enough. In reality, they are, but have their own lives to worry about!

I wouldn’t say you’re paranoid, but just try to stay rational. For me, at least, it’s easy to over analyze things my family does. 

I broke off an engagement five years ago but, like you, doing it "for real" makes a big difference. 

Post # 9
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

My engagements were separated by 8 years, so everyone knew that I’m in a very different space than I was back then.  It looks like you are having a nice long engagement, and I’m sure as time goes on, your parents will become increasingly excited. 

If they still seem cautious in a few months, my personal approach would be to address the elephant in the room in a thoughtful way.  I’d ask how they are feeling about your engagement, and if they have any concerns since you broke off the previous one.  It might be very helpful to hear their perspectives 🙂

Post # 11
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

"<span class=”Apple-style-span” style=”font-family: tahoma; font-size: 13px”>just thought maybe for once my mother might show some excitement for me at least…it’s a lost cause with her."

I totally could have written that.  But it does get a little better when the day gets closer.  I think part of it is that my mom has been married three times so she’s sort of done with the whole wedding thing even though I’m just going through it myself.  It’s been a frustrating process but I’ve just learned that I have to take it as it comes.

Keep your chin up and again, congrats! 

Post # 12
Member
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

Flip Flop,

Try not to get too paranoid– at least you know that they love your Fiance and support the engagement.  That’s great news!  It’s probably just that it’s quite far away, and they’ll get more excited as time draws closer.  It is true that nobody finds our weddings as interesting as we do– I’m so lucky that one of my best friends is engaged and getting married at roughly the same time, so we can obsess about all the little details together and trade ideas and share photos and such.  I’m sure I’d be boring my friends and family to tears without that outlet.

My mom was happy for me, but not really excited about talking details until just about a week ago, when she finally sent me an email with all these questions and comments.  Maybe it’ll happen for you at the four month mark as well!

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