(Closed) Second guessing bridesmaid choice

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think you’ve been quite accomodating thus far. My suggestion would be to talk to her, let her know you’ve been getting this vibe, and ask her if she’s still interested. Let her know that you’ll understand and still love her if she isn’t. Give her a graceful out and she may take it. In the meantime, I suggest asking J if she’d like to be a bridesmaid. I was in a similar situation and had a dear friend that I really wanted, but I’d decided I’d only have four BMs. She’d make five. Then it occured to me that it meant more to me to have her there than to have uneven numbers, and I’m so, so glad she’s going to be there with me on that day!

Post # 4
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I know most people don’t look favorably on “un-asking” bridesmaids, but if the situation is what you describe, this is what I think you can do. 

Think about what other things may be going on in her life that cause her to act like this. You mentioned that she postponed her own wedding twice and might not even marry the guy. This is an incredibly painful experience no matter what the reasons for it were. Maybe it’s hard for her to get excited about your wedding, to hang out with you and participate in the wedding talk when her own wedding was taken away from her. Maybe her family isn’t supportive of her situation with Fiance. Maybe they are having other relationship issues you don’t know or haven’t thought about. Maybe she’s having problems at work or school.

I would talk to her (write an email or speak on the phone if it’s so hard to see each other in person) and explain that you’re worried about her and wondering if being a bridesmaid would be too hard on her. Don’t accuse her, but just talk about how she’s been too busy to go dress shopping or even meet up and talk about the wedding. Say that you don’t want to burden her and ask how she feels about the issue.

Then see what she says. If she agrees that it’s too much for her, problem solved. If not, then tell her that she needs to make certain commitments: going dress shopping, trying on and ordering her own dress in a timely manner, and whatever else is important to you. Then ask for one specific commitment that demonstrates that she really does want to do this with you. (“I would like you to join me to try on bridesmaids dresses sometime in the next two weeks. What works for you?”) If she doesn’t come through, you can un-ask her knowing that you have done everything you could to make this work and that you are not being unfair to her.

Now about asking the other girl, this could be tricky. It sounds like she knows you asked all the other girls already. So even if you asked her, she might feel like she’s a second choice. If you think you can pull off the whole “I’m so sorry, I made a huge mistake and have been wanting to ask you for months” thing, go for it. But you might upset her even more.

Finally, regarding the dress thing. I haven’t seen your Bridesmaid or Best Man, so I can’t judge. But the general rule is this. It’s your choice and they should wear whatever you choose BUT you shouldn’t choose anything that’s clearly unflattering for their body type. Is her aversion to a shorter dress based on an actual problem or more vanity/perception? If it’s just her being stubborn, I would go ahead and choose the dress you like (might be another way to un-ask her if that’s what you want). But if she would really not look good in it, then I think you should be considerate of that. In a perfect world, all of our BMs would have perfect bodies, but most bridal parties have all different shapes and sizes. So we either let them pick different dresses or choose a dress that looks good on everyone (not necessarily stunning, but at least good). Make sure your decision about keeping her in the bridal party is not based on what she looks like in your dream dress!


Post # 6
392 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry she’s being so flaky.  And I agree with MissHelen try to give her a graceful way a to opt out and maybe she will.

Post # 7
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Well I would ask J to be a bridesmaid anyway, tell C ur changing the dresses to short dresses, and say u know she doesn’t really like short dresses…blah blah blah, but its ur wedding and u and all the other girls vote for short and that u understand if she doesn’t want to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man anymore, but she can do something else for the ceremony and still be invited to all the bridesmaid stuff. And if she still wants to be in it, well just have 7 maids…the last groomsman can escort 2 of them

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