(Closed) Second Guessing….

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee

I totally had these types of thoughts before we got engaged. We didn’t wait until the engagement to work out the issues though – is this something you can start working on now to alleviate your concerns? Darling Husband and I were always open about finances and spending and got on the same page while still dating. We also combined finances early on. Maybe if you’re better at budgeting/saving/etc you can take the lead on doing the finances for the two of you? 

Post # 4
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I’ve kind of had these same sorts of feelings.  I haven’t necessarily started getting annoyed by specific things that he does but I definitely do have days where I think “if we were really meant to be it wouldn’t be this hard/complicated”.  I just feel like if we were meant to be he wouldn’t be having such a hard time getting himself to the point of being ready.

 

I do get annoyed when he spends his money on stupid things for himself though.  I can’t help but think “there goes $50 more that could have gone towards a ring, etc”.  So frustrating!

Post # 5
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

SO is good with finances, but he’s not good with the chores. Sometimes I don’t mind doing all the cooking and cleaning – I actually enjoy doing these things. It can be therapeutic. But sometimes I feel like I do way too much and get annoyed that he doesn’t help out more. I used to worry that when we get married he’ll get stuck in his ways and I’ll be the one doing everything, but then I realized I never really voiced this to him. So I now I just ask him to help and he does!

I think the key is to communicate your concerns to come up with a good solution for both of you.

Post # 6
Member
3304 posts
Sugar bee

I have second guessed myself a few times and I think it is normal too. I wouldn’t beat yourself up about it or take it as a sign- your mind is just trying to be rational where your heart usually isn’t. I am happily engaged now but there are things that come up that I say, well, I have to learn how to deal with this (such as not cleaning his side of the room)… It depends on how major the issue is but there are always solutions if you both compromise. since you are EXCELLENT with money, talk to your SO and she is he would let you help him save and reduce debt. He has to want it though and if he doesn’t, you need to figure if this is a deal breaker for you or if you do not mind taking care of things financially, if he is unable to.

Post # 7
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I think the waiting period is the time you should be working on these items that you dont love about him (and him about you) so that when you do get engaged and married you will feel secure that these issues wont become much bigger down the road.

Waiting till you are married or engaged only adds more stress to a more stressful time and its possible you will learn that there are some things you or him just cant compromise on that will negatively effect the relationship. Its best to work through and learn these early one.

Post # 8
Member
2892 posts
Sugar bee

I know I’m annoyed with him about our relationship when I suddenly become super aware of his chewing. Weird. I know. He eats with his mouth open sometimes. Annoying, but when I’m in a good mood I don’t even notice. When it becomes the only thing I can hear it’s usually when I’m upset about something he’s not doing or if I’m getting anxious about our future. I chalk it up to stress about the unknown. Not so much to there being something wrong with our relationship. 🙂 But everyone’s situation is different. If the issue is serious enough its worth discussing early.

Post # 9
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

@LittlePenguin: “I haven’t necessarily started getting annoyed by specific things that he does but I definitely do have days where I think “if we were really meant to be it wouldn’t be this hard/complicated”.  I just feel like if we were meant to be he wouldn’t be having such a hard time getting himself to the point of being ready.”

That’s EXACTLY how I feel sometimes!  I haven’t said just that to my SO, but something along those lines led to a discussion once of him establishing that he loves me enough to marry me, he’s just not ready for marriage the noun and stage of life.  It helped to see it as not anything in our relationship or not in our relationship but that he’s just plain old not ready for all that marriage entails.  I still get down about it though, but it’s a lot less depressing and difficult when I know it’s not me, it’s marriage that’s the problem.

I did get frustrated that he wasn’t doing anything towards changing his thoughts about marriage, and when I shared that with him in July it seemed like it fell on deaf ears.  I told him that I get he’s not ready, but it seems like he’s not doing any thinking or research to see if his views on marriage are accurate/helpful/what he wants/etc.  That convo was good too because in January he assured me that he’s been thinking about it more and could be ready by September. 🙂

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