(Closed) Second marriage for bride, first for groom. Etiquette, and expectations of MOH

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Here’s the thing about bridal showers: by definition, they are about gifts.  The express purpose of a bridal shower is to shower the bride with gifts for married life.  Hence the name.

If you really don’t want any gifts and just want to get together with people, you can plan a BBQ or pool party or cocktail party or any other type of party that you and your friends would enjoy.  But a no-gift shower is a contradiction in terms and would likely confuse the heck out of your invited guests. 

That said, whether it’s acceptable for a second-time bride to have another bridal shower really depends on your social circle.  In some circles, bridal showers are for first-time brides only; in others, if you have 10 weddings you get 10 showers and no one bats an eye.  So if you have friends or bridesmaids – other than Maid/Matron of Honor, who is clearly uncomfortable with the idea – who want to host a shower, let these other friends plan whatever they want, and enjoy.  But leave Maid/Matron of Honor out of it. 

It sounds like Maid/Matron of Honor is being a bit of a debbie downer about a lot of things, and that’s really unfortunate, but the “no showers for encore brides” thing isn’t really an uncommon sentiment. 

Post # 4
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think the right thing to do if you have shower is to only have it for your Fi side of the family. Perhaps do a casual get together or bbq for your friends and family.

I think you will undoubtedly offend people for another shower especially if they show up empty handed and your Fi family and friends show up with gifts. It has the potential to make people feel weird and awkward and I think very clearly calls attention to your previous marriage.

I think your Maid/Matron of Honor is looking out for your best interest especially if your last wedding and marriage was as recent as you imply.

Post # 5
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@caligirl56:  second time bride here, with this being my Fiance first. I was married in a courthouse the first time, and had no party. I did, however, have a shower after the elopement. My family has been extremely supportive of having a whole wedding this time, but no shower. My Fiance lw evangelical Christian family cannot imagine NOT throwing me a shower. So, they are throwing one for me. I am not inviting anyone in my family except my mother and grandmother. Showers are about gifts, and I feel like if anyone from my family wants to get a gift, they can bring it with them to my wedding. I think, in your case, it sounds like an engagement party may be the perfect compromise. You get the party and fun.. Without asking for gifts for a second marriage.  

Post # 6
1623 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Ok, be honest….do you guys really want gifts at the shower?

If the answer is yes, then maybe you can compromise using some of the ideas PP’s posted: shower hosted for his side only (inviting maybe your mom and grandma) or seeing if there is another bridesmaid who feels more comfortable hosting a shower for an encore bride.  Without knowing your Maid/Matron of Honor, I’m not sure if she just doesn’t want to throw the shower or if she really is looking out for your best interest knowing your social circle may frown down on you having another shower just a few years after your first.

If you guys really don’t care about the gifts, then I’d hold something like a “no-gifts” BBQ or engagement party.  You still get to celebrate with your loved ones, but there is no pressure to bring any gifts. (Note: I still almost always bring a gift to “no-gift” events if I’m close with the person.)

There’s no right or wrong answer to the above, but you first have to be honest with what your true intentions of the party are.

Post # 7
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think a shower for his side only could be nice… a friend of mine in this situation had an all girls “bridal luncheon” where everyone brought a favorite recipie and they were combined into a book. No gifts. It was really fun and lovely. A friend of the family hosted it.

Other than that I think an engagement party could be a nice option, if somone wants to throw you one.

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