Second marriage for him. I really need some help :(

posted 6 months ago in Encore
Post # 32
Member
4905 posts
Honey bee

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@missely:  Well, pretty much everyone told you where to start…therapy.

Get a referral from your GP or health insurance or start googling ones in your area and read up on them to see if they seem like they might be a good match.

Post # 33
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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@missely:  I can relate to both sides of this. I have struggled with jealousy and insecurity in the past, but I’ve tried not to let it ruin everything. So when it occurs, I sort of acknowledge it as an unhelpful thought and then I let it go. Your thoughts about his previous marriage do definitely seem to be due to insecurity and jealousy. I do understand wanting to experience something together for the first time. My ex-husband had been married previously, and I remember working through some feelings relating to the fact that he had “done it all before”. I came to realise that he hadn’t done it with ME before, so it didn’t matter. (Well it DID matter, because he was a jerk, but that’s another story)

On the other side of the coin…I was still technically married (but separated) when I met my partner. He has never ever shown a speck of jealousy, or even much curiosity, about my marriage. He offered emotional support as I finalised the divorce (which I tried not to take up, as it was not his emotional burden to bear), and that was that. Had he expressed jealousy it would have made a difficult situation worse for me. I would have felt that he didn’t trust my love for him.  He has no reason to be jealous, because my marriage ended for a reason. I am a better person and partner due to that relationship. I do, however, feel perfectly content to never marry again. So that would be my main concern with your guy. Divorce isn’t fun and it really makes some of us think twice about making that commitment again. For me, I’d feel a bit embarrassed to get all my friends and family together so soon after my first wedding (2014). 

Your boyfriend married his ex wife because at the time, he thought that it was the decision he wanted to make. Presumably he loved her very much at the time. Hopefully he did, otherwise why the heck did he marry her? His previous love for her has nothing to do with his feelings for you. Surely you have loved others in your past? Now you don’t love them. This is life. It can feel weird to imagine our partners in love with other people, but feeling jealous is a bit like feeling upset because a close fenale friend once had other friends in elementary school. Another way to cope is to be glad that your boyfriend was happy and in love in his past – surely you would prefer that to him having lived his life lonely and miserable? 

Post # 34
Member
532 posts
Busy bee

You’ve only been seeing this dude for 6 (or is it 4?) months, and you’re already daydreaming about your wedding and cyber-stalking the videographer from his first ceremony to find out all the deets?  I’m getting a strong bunny boiler vibe from you.  

Post # 35
Member
1775 posts
Buzzing bee

Your title “Second Marriage for him” is off-kilter and presumptuous at this stage in your relationship.  You’ve only been dating six months and he’s getting over a divorce.  He may not want to jump into another marriage again, especially until you are both in a good place in your relationship.  If you are experiencing strong jealousy issues and have all these doubts about being with someone who has been married before, then maybe you need to find someone else. He can’t help the fact that he was married before and you knew that when you started dating him.  He’s allowed to have had a life with someone else before you.  You need to pull back on thinking about marriage, why he was married, and just focus on being with him in the here and now. If you are unhappy, then you need to move on and find someone else maybe.

Post # 36
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

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@missely:  this sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I can’t tell if it’s you or him or both. My guess, and this is just a guess, is that you are insecure and that he gets a kick from feeding on it.

There is absolutely ZERO reason that you should have seen the wedding videographer’s video. How did you even know of it’s existence? Besides a little basic background, he should not be talking about his ex, his marriage or his wedding with you.

I suspect, and again this is just a suspicion, that he is fueling the fire of your obsession. I don’t think he’s as great of a catch as you think he is.

As for why he was married? He made a mistake. That’s why. I was married before and I can assure you, I have zero love for my ex. (And to be honest, I don’t think I ever loved him.) The happiest memory of our marriage was the date the divorce was finalized. My second wedding was my dream wedding and never once did I look back and think about the first one, except with disgust.

Please see a therapist. He or she will help you figure out what’s going on here and with you. Good luck!!!!

 

Post # 37
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

He does not have a “second marriage.” He was married, he got divorced and now he is dating you. You have been dating him for half a year. You are not getting married. You are not engaged. You are DATING. Slow your roll.

You’re in a really, really unhealthy place if you’re thinking this way and obsessing enough to make two threads about this. 

Post # 38
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Arlington, Virginia

I am very happily married to a man who has been married previously, and here is a bit of advice. If you love this man, and (regardless of marriage in the future or not) you want a partnership with him, there are a few things you have to keep in mind:

1) He is the man you love because of the life he has lived. You both had experiences that influenced you. His previous relationship helped build who he is now. You are talking about it in an entirely negative, and to be frank, a very immature/selfish way, worrying about what it might mean for you if he has done some activity with someone before. This is about his life…it cannot be changed, and it likely involved heartbreak and unhappiness. You should treat it with compassion and also see it as part of who he is. It’s not really about you.

My husband learned many things from his first marriage: how to be part of a partnership, how to live in harmony with another person, how to deal with financial woes, and how harmful lack of communication and shared goals can be. Maybe it would be helpful for you to ask yourself – What did your boyfriend learn? What aspects of how he operates now might be a result of the growth from his last marriage? My husband is a better husband for having lived this before. 

2) You need to be a more open, better communicator. Think about what your concerns are…and then talk to him. That is what partnership boils down to, and if you are planning on a life together you need to be able to talk about even the hard things. Wondering about whether he might have picked out towels with someone else is trivial compared to the hardships you need to be able to overcome for a successful relationship.

3) Your concerns about him having lived through a wedding before seem like they are coming from a place of anxiety, and I would like to tell you: as someone who has had this experience, it just does not matter. He has not experienced these with YOU; these are memories and meaningful experiences that form part of your shared history, and will be different and separate from whatever he may have done before. Might there be moments that make him remember experiences before you met? Yes. And sometimes he may have moments where he needs to think about that and process it too. Or, he may not. I wouldn’t be concerned about not being his “first”; I would make sure that I was the last, and that we are happy living the life we chose together.

Post # 39
Member
7348 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I agree that you need help, but not as it relates to this relationship.

Post # 40
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

“It is really heartless to reject someone because of being married before, I know that. I want to work on it but don’t know how to start.”

It isn’t heartless to reject anyone whose past you cannot handle. No one wants a partner who holds their past against them or needs them to prove something about their past to them.

H and I have had maybe two short conversations about my previous marriage in our entire relationship and one of those was me telling him I was divorced. The details are not his business and really don’t matter. Just like I don’t want or need to know the details of H’s past relationships. They are irrelevant.

He married her because he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.. that didn’t work out. You don’t need to know the details of why he loved her or why he wanted to marry her or why anything about their relationship.

If you are hung up on his past let him go!

Also, go back and read the pages of responses you got last time…. not sure what you are looking for posting again.

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