Second open casket funeral in a years time

posted 6 months ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
10705 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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@lauralaura123:  

Read your old thread responses. This is not about you,  it is about your fi’s family loss. Stand well away in a dignified manner and do try to stop obsessing about how things affect you , or might affect you,  or have affected you etc etc. you

 Most of us  in our Western cultures would not be ‘comfortable’ around dead people , nothing unusual about your feelings. Whether you see the point of open coffins or not, whether you think it is unpleasant or not, whether you characterise yourself as ‘super sheltered’ or whatever, just, for goodness sake do the right thing and attend, stand well back  without making a fuss and drawing attention to yourself 

Post # 18
Member
535 posts
Busy bee

First off, I’m sorry for your loss. As others have said, you don’t need to go up to the open casket and look inside. You can stay towards the back or look at other things. I do think you need to suck it up and go to this in full support of your fiance.

Your comment about it being “super unpleasant for no good reason that I can see” is selfish to me.  Yes,  funerals are not pleasant, for almost anyone. But there IS a good reason. To honor the dead, to honor their life, and to support those grieving. If those planning this funeral chose, for whatever reason, to have an open casket, you go and honor them and support your fiance and his family. Showing support to those grieving is not “for no good reason” and I would be hurt if I was your fiance or his family. 

I have been to a few open casket funerals. A couple being my grandparents, and I did go up and see them. But when my sister passed, my parents and I refused. We decided to have it closed during the ceremony, and then open it after for those who wanted to go up there. He made the announcement that the family wanted to exit, my parents and I left the room, and then they opened it. Just because WE didn’t want to see her, doesn’t mean other family members didn’t. 

Post # 19
Member
5511 posts
Bee Keeper

Super unpleasant? I’ll tell you what’s super unpleasant: going to the funeral of an 8 year old boy. That takes unpleasant to new levels. Believe me, your issues dont even begin to compare.

Just spend your time talking to people and stay away from the casket. I fail to see what’s so difficult about this.

Post # 20
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee

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@lauralaura123:  From what i’ve seen, its pretty rare to have closed casket unless there is a specific reason and it is not physically possible to have an open one.

I really dont think most people feel super comfortable around bodies. Especially people we dont know well, but, maybe for their loved ones it does bring peace. Maybe there is some cultural ties as to why. Sometimes you can choose to say goodbye in other ways and not attend. But this is for your husband and he is choosing to go. 

You dont have to feel comfortable. You have to be supportive. 

Post # 21
Member
3158 posts
Sugar bee

“I don’t see the need to remember a person like that.”

“it will just be… super unpleasant for no good reason that I can see.”

You need to adjust your thinking. This funeral is not about you; it is about the grieving family. The open casket tradition is what is meaningful to the family of the deceased, and frankly it’s not your job to understand why, and your comments above come off as very disrespectful.

If you are curious about why many cultures across the globe choose to say goodbye with an open casket, a quick google search for “why have an open casket” would be a good starting point to educate yourself, but it’s ultimately moot. It is entirely beside the point how you feel about it…you are there to support your Fiance and that’s it. 

In terms of “how to handle this” – you handle it the same way you did at the last one. You put on your big girl panties and you go. Stay away from the casket and focus on showing love and support to your partner, because this is about him, not you. 

Post # 22
Member
5227 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

For some reason, I always remember that you were diagnosed with gad, probably because I have it too.

Could this be anxiety? Anxiety magnifies everything, it makes simple things seem insurmountable.

As other bees have said, you are going to be ok. This isn’t a big issue, but it seems to be magnified for you

Post # 23
Member
841 posts
Busy bee

You need to remember that this is not about you and how you want the funeral to be. You can’t control everything around you and sometimes you will be uncomfortable. You will be fine. Keep your distance and be respectful, that’s all you need to do. 

Post # 24
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

It’s not about you. 

Post # 25
Member
837 posts
Busy bee

You don’t have to see the body if you don’t want to.  Being there to support your fiance is a matter of (literally) him having a shoulder to cry on.  That could happen after he walks up to the casket himself or with family members.  Just sit with him during the funeral service and attend the burial (if you’re invited).  No one will look badly at you for staying away from the casket.

Funerals in general (even those with closed caskets) are uncomfortable for a lot of people.  But they’re going to pay their respects to the person who died or to support someone else who is there to do that.  It’s a short (about 2 hour) thing, and then you’re done.  There are other uncomfortable things in life, just adopt the same mindset you’d use for those.

Post # 26
Member
5991 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I would be uncomfortable too. Just stay further back and away from the open casket if its just too much to handle. You’re showing your love and support by being there anyway. 

Post # 27
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

Not a “you” scenario, period. This is your fiancé’s deceased loved one. Not yours. You don’t have to do anything but be there for him if he needs you. No one is forcing you to do anything. 

Post # 27
Member
9639 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@L606:  i wouldn’t say rare to have a closed casket.  the jewish religion only does closed casket.

Post # 28
Member
9446 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@ajillity81:  exactly. That’s why my husband was so shocked at his first Catholic wake. But then again I’d never been to a funeral where the casket was lowered into the ground in front of us and his family not only lowers and does the handful of dirt – my husband will hand me his suit jacket, roll up his sleeves, and grab a shovel to fill in the grave with the other able bodied young men. That “thunk” of the dirt hitting the casket chills me to my core. I hate it. But it brings them peace and closure and so I suck it up. 

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@sunburn:  I’m so sorry for your loss. I have also been to funerals for children and awful doesn’t begin to describe it. 

Post # 29
Member
5511 posts
Bee Keeper

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@LilliV:  Your husband must be Jewish. Thankfully that funeral was a long time ago, it was our friend’s son. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place. 

Post # 30
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee

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@lauralaura123:  I get it. I have anxiety and it can trigger that. I went to an open casket funeral for my friend’s one-year-old, and it was tough. I went forward because that’s what everyone was doing, but I didn’t look more than a second. I couldn’t. My coping strategy was to think about something else. I don’t know that many people who have died so I’m not well acquainted with death (thankfully). It’s a tragedy and understandable that you feel uneasy about the open casket. A stupid piece of advice that seems so shallow and superficial is to take a favorite piece of jewelry like maybe your ring or something, and try to look at it and enjoy it to take your mind off it. I use all kinds of “tricks” to help me thru anxiety attacks, and that is one of them. Dumb, I know…

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