Post # 1
I’m having second thoughts about getting married. I just need to vent and get the opinion of someone who doesn’t know me or Fiance.
My fiancé is a great guy. We’re completely in love. The problem is his father.
Fiance had a very rough childhood. Because of their addictions and other bad choices, he’s unable to have a relationship with most of his family. When I got to know Fiance, I admired how he overcame all of that and through hard work became successful. I think that because he has very little family, he clings to his father. His father lives with him and has for a number of years, since before we met.
I thought it wasn’t a big deal but the closer I come to moving in with them and becoming family, the more I dread it. I also come from a poor background and have financial responsibilities for my family so I somewhat understood where Fiance is coming from.
But his father is an alcoholic and a recluse. He makes no effort to make Fiance happy. He seldom leaves the house and Fiance has had to limit his father’s drinking. However, Fiance was deployed to the Middle East a few weeks ago. I stopped by to say hi to his father and he smelled like liquor. I didn’t grow up having a lot but my life has always been stable. I don’t want to babysit a grown able-bodied man – make sure he doesn’t drink or smoke too much, showers and goes outside, in addition to providing meals and a place to live.
I know nothing with Fiance and his father will change. I’m just sad about it. This would be my second time breaking off an engagement (the first guy cheated on me). And I was so looking forward to our life together.
Post # 3
@snd485: Oh, I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. However, I dont think you should reconsider marrying your Fiance because of his dad. It’s not your responsibility to take care of your Future Father-In-Law but please consider it! It’s also NOT a reason to break off an engagement. Consider this, what would happen if one of your parents would fall ill (in case of Future Father-In-Law, alcoholism is an illness!) and you couldnt take care of him/her? Your Fiance would step in… Wouldnt you be increadibly thankful for that? I know women who took in their fragile in-laws and cared for them so they wouldnt have to go to an old people’s home. It’s called love! I would do the same for my SO’s parents if they were in a situation of need. Not because of them (I dont get along too well with them) but because it’s a Christian thing to do and they are the people who “made” my wonderful SO. Plus knowing how much it would mean to him. It’s about love! 🙂
Post # 4
@snd485: I am so sorry you’re going through this- and I’m sorry no one reached out until now! (you are awesome @alaha: !)
I understand where you’re coming from, that’s a huge thing to take on. Not only are you marrying your Fiance, but you’re also signing up to take care of this man who clearly needs help. If it were me, I would have a few conditions before moving in. for one, I wouldn’t move in unless Future Father-In-Law enrolled in some sort of rehab/seeks help. I agree with PP in the sense that you shouldn’t give up the man you love over this. Have you talked to Fiance about how you feel? what does he say about how it makes you feel? It’s a hard spot for him too, because it’s his dad.
I hope things have gotten better since you posted a month ago!
Post # 5
Thanks for the encouragement. Nothinng has really changed. I did talk to my Fiance about it and he didn’t get why I was upset. He’s going to have a heart to heart with his dad once he gets back from deployment though. I’m doubtful that he’ll go to rehab.
Post # 6
@snd485: I hate to be the downer here, but my mom always said that if she had met my father’s parents BEFORE the wedding (she met them like 1 week prior) she would have called the whole thing off. And to a certain extent, I think she should have…there were a lot of red flags in my father’s family that he hid from her, things that had a direct impact on my parent’s marriage. My father’s family was rife with abuse (verbal, emotional and physical), alcoholism, inability to foster and keep relationships, inability to trust, no respect, etc etc. Just horribly toxic.
I’m a bit concerned that your Fiance doesn’t see a problem with his father’s alcoholism…he seems to want to sweep it under the rug…so to speak. Also concerning that he doesn’t understand why you are upset about it….or isn’t concerned about how this would be affecting you. Also, I don’t think that you should have to move into a house with your FI’s father also living there. Have you discussed with your Fiance moving his dad into a separate house or maybe some sort of group home if his dad is incapable of taking care of himself? I see a recipe for disaster if you move in with your Fiance and his dad is living there too, especially considering his dad’s issues and problems. That is no way to start your new life together. Also, do you plan on having kids?? This is not a “home life” that I would want to introduce to young children… Maybe this arrangement of having his dad living with him worked when it was just your Fiance and his dad, but this is not a tenable arrangement with a wife and potential kids mixed in.
Post # 7
@snd485: I was about to say, you aren’t just marrying the man, you’re marrying the family too. But I meant that in the figurative sense…it sounds like you will, quite literally, be spending just as much time with your FI’s father as you will be with him. I would not be okay with having anyone live in my family home, let alone a grown-up dependent.
It doesn’t sound like your Fiance would “abandon” him (even though he should be taking care of himself), so you really need to soul search and ask yourself if you would be happy with the life you’d have together. It would be terrible for someone else to come between you, but you can’t spend the next 10+ years of your life miserable for the sake of someone else either.
My opinion is that as his future wife, your wants and needs should come before anyone else – including his father’s.