(Closed) Second Thoughts… About Marriage..Help

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

One piece of advice … do NOT mess those kids up any further than they already are..   If you were to marry him, and down the road then decide that being a mom to his kids isn’t cut out for you, you are going to do more damage than good to those kids.  They’ve lost one mother already from the sounds of it and do not need to lose another one. 

If you’re not prepared to parent them, be there for them, and be their mom (since he has full custody), then leave before those kids get emotionally involved/attached to you! 

Their first mother has screwed them up enough by walking out on them … they don’t need another mother to do the same thing to them.

Post # 5
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Jsut wondering if you have talked to your fiance about this? He should understand how you feel.

 

I see where you are coming from though, and if the shoes were on my feet i wouldnt go through with the wedding (heck i wouldnt have even gotten engaged…but this is you …not me)

I think  some counselling is in session first and then you guys should go from there. You obviously love him alot to be by his side all these years but by the sounds if it you see only the past and not really a future.

Sorry i cant be of to much help! *hugs*

Post # 6
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh you posted while i was typing so i see you  have talked to him….

Post # 7
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

As a divorced mother with two children, who is recently engaged to a wonderful man who is willing to take on me and my children and form a family together – your post insults me.  From what I just read, you seem VERY full of yourself and concerned only about yourself.

I 100% think you should leave, but not because of the lies from the past, but rather, because you would be doing a huge dis-service to those children.  If I EVER heard my Fiance speak of my children the way you just spoke about yours, I would be absolutely devastated.  My stomach sunk just reading that – those children deserve to have a better step-mom than it sounds like you could ever provide.

If you resent them this much already, it’s only going to get worse if you marry him and put your life on hold (not having children), etc.  I’d be curious if you’ve ever been honest with your Fiance about the way you feel about his children – because I’m telling you, if my Fiance came to me with even half of what you wrote, I would have broken the engagement immediately.

Post # 8
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am no expert but I also thought of another thing you might want to consider. You are writing a lot about your own feelings, but marrying him would mean that from now on you have to start considering the feelings of three other people. Remember, you will be living with those kids so you will need to become more than just “dad’s wife” to them. I don’t think it’s fair for the children to have to live with someone that doesn’t really want them in the first place. If he wants to be such a good dad, he will want to make sure that his children are happy as well. If I were in his position I would prefer not to go through with the marriage than to force my SO into co-existing with me and the kids. I think you should tell him all of the things you just mentioned. These are very serious questions you raise and he should know they are on your mind. I am a teacher and I see kids from the most diverse backgrounds. I can tell you that no child wants to feel unwanted and believe me, no matter how much you think you hide it, they know. As much as this is about what’s best for you and your SO it is also about the children.

Post # 9
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would not get married.  You have too many issues and too many hurt feelings.  It might just be best to take a step back and have a little seperation to see if it is what you really want.  You might be in love now but if these are the deal breakers for you its best to move on.  Love is everywhere and you can find someone who is great again.

Post # 10
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I feel like it’s unfair that he decided to seek full custody without consulting you first, if I understand you correctly. 

Post # 11
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

If I were you (which I am not) I think I would leave. Regardless of you not wanting him to have kids or any of the other stuff….. I dont know how you continue not only knowing that he cheated on you but that he got someone (his ex) pregnant while doing so. I would be devastated and I dont know how one would get over that. Every time I looked at that child it would be a reminder that he cheated.

Based on how you describe yourself, I think you can do better. And you deserve better. I would definitely talk to him and go to counseling if you want, but ultimately this is how YOU feel and its your decision to make.

I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this 🙁

Post # 12
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would also end this relationship. As someone who grew up with a stepmother who was MUCH less hostile toward me than you are toward your FI’s children, I can stay that it was still really, really hard at times. Your hostility toward these children will poison the relationship, I guarantee you. It’s wrong to put them in that position. Honestly it seems that some of this is hostility toward your Fiance that you are deflecting on them. Please, please do not join this family if you feel this way about the children.

Post # 13
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow.  I NEVER post on threads like this because I don’t feel like I am in a position to judge/advise other people’s relationships, but my head is screaming something at me so loudly that I have to chime in:

There is no cowardice in taking a little time for yourself.

You don’t have to call off the engagement.  You don’t have to stay, either.  But you do probably have to take a little bit of time for yourself to examine how you really, truly feel about being married to someone who has been married before.  Somone who lied to you about his fidelity, and never owned up, even when their was a child involved.  Someone who has children, has custody of those children.  Children that you don’t seem to like very much, nevermind that you aren’t ready to be 100% there for.  I am not judging you for any of these feelings.  I just think you could really benefit from walking away for a few days/weeks/months – whatever you can allow your relationship – to decide whether this is a family (because that is what it is – it’s not just him, it’s his ex and those kids and the whole shebang) – is something you really, truly, fully commit to.  Because that is what everyone deserves – you, the man, and those kids.  Even the ex-wife.  There is no shame in deciding that it’s not for you.  Just as there is no shame in deciding you can move forward and accept this family.  Just take the space to make the right decision for you.

I know others will hate this answer, but I would do in this situation is totally irrelevant.  As is what YOU would do when you are at your wits’ end (which you seem to be).  Take the time.  Search your soul.  Accept or leave.  It’s that simple.  (Although, of course, the honest act of accepting or leaving will not simple at all.  I don’t say this to be discouraging, only to let you know that I recognize the hard things.)

Post # 14
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

The first half of your post is a complete deal breaker for me. I never would have stayed with him after him not telling me he was still married and then getting his wife pregnant while he was with me. Just NO. Everybody deserves better than that. Marrying somebody who got someone else pregnant while you were with him? HELL NO. Marrying someone who didn’t tell you he was still married? NO.

No. No. No. No. No. NO.

Post # 15
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Honestly, I would run for the hills.

Post # 16
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

To any other posters: Can we PLEASE not attack this woman for feeling the way she does? So she doesnt want to have step kids – this is not a crime people!!!!! Personally I would not want to have step children in a first marriage if I didnt have to either. Not only does the OP not want to have step kids but she doesnt want a step kid who is the product of her Fiance cheating on her…a daily reminder that he did so. Please leave this woman alone, she is obviously under a lot of stress and anxiety she does not need random women on the internet thinking they are high and mighty and judging her for her actions….

THANKS

 

Edited to add that Im not talking about ALL other posters, obviously. I am only talking about the ones who have already started to and will continue to attack this woman. She has nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about so I dont think its fair to make her feel that way.

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