(Closed) Second Thoughts… About Marriage..Help

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

I haven’t read the thread yet, so this is off the OP.

I don’t think you need to leave your man, but I do think you need to postpone the wedding until you see where life takes you. Kids are not baggage. It is a VERY good thing that your man loves his children even though they are from a woman he is no longer with, and also a VERY good thing that he wants custody of them. It is hard to see that, I’m sure, but someday it might be clearer. For now, you were in a position of marrying one man, and now your marrying one man and 2-3 kids. That’s a BIG step, and it is reasonable to be hesitant about it. These children (and their mother) are going to be a part of your guy’s life for the REST OF HIS LIFE. If you can’t deal with that, then you should move on. 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 47
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee

@milesbella

Not everyone wants to be a step mom.  OP is not a step mom yet – she is thinking about the kids!!!  OP is taking the time to think this out BEFORE she becomes their step mom.  Geesh!

I believe you need to be selfish when it comes to your true feelings.  OP has very strong feelings about this.

Post # 48
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

it is great that you are being honest that you dont want to be a step mom.  I say leave the situation and dont date a guy with kids again.  And dont date a married guy again either or a guy that is going to lie about him being married. 

If you marry him you and those kids will be unhappy.  Being a step mom is hard work.  YOu have to do all the work and dont get any of the say in disciplining the kids (usually it what I have seen).  Children in this messed up situation need more people in their lives that are going to love them.  Everybody in this situation should be thinking about the children foremost.

Post # 49
Member
11369 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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@Belle2Be:

 

Not all men fight for custody because they love their kids.  Some do it to spite the ex.  Others to pay less in CS.

Post # 50
Member
40 posts
Newbee

I am struggling to tell my story and tell you how much I understand.  The man I just married comes with a whole deal of baggage, the ex wife and the kids,   It is far from easy street, it is in fact the toughest road either of us could have taken.  We made the choice so we could be together and we are but there is always drama.  You sound like you have so much going for yourself , I assume you are fairly young, and have your entire life in front of you.    Don’t do it, if these things bother you they will eat at you forever.    Red flag.  As a therapist once told me,  you should really dodge that bullet.  Good luck.  PM me if you like.  

Post # 51
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@milesbella: DITTO. You took the words right out of my mouth. I am divorced with two young children. Fiance didn’t have kids of his own in his previous marriage and never imagined he’d fall in love with a woman with kids, let alone fall in love with the kids too.

But that’s just it…he loves my children *as his own,* and he loves them as much as he loves me (just in a different way, obviously). When I got divorced, I knew it might be hard to find a man who could love me and my children, and I was prepared to spend the rest of my life single because of it…because I wouldn’t do that to my kids.

Please, get out of that relationship now, if you feel that strongly about being responsible for two children. Don’t do that to them. I’d be *devastated* if my Fiance felt a sliver of what you’re feeling.

Post # 52
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

And by the way, I don’t think you’re a bad person or selfish for feeling the way you feel. It’s totally your right to feel that way and to have a child-free life. I do, however, think it WOULD be selfish to marry a man with children when you DON’T have any desire whatsoever to be a stepmom to those children. That’s not cool, and the kids will sense it.

Post # 53
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

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@sassy411:I’ve yet to hear of a man who pays thousands of dollars in a custody battle when he doesn’t want to see his kids.

Post # 54
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@sassy411:

You’re kidding about the child support right? My mother got 1200 bucks a month for 3 children! And my father had alot of money in his trustee. Believe me, to raise 3 children, pay for schooling, food, necesseties, field trips, activities, gas, rent, bill payments, clothes, shoes, and holidays costs a heck of alot more then what you get. We literally SURVIVED off the food bank So I really doubt that a person would rather children to save money in child support. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Sorry to get off topic. Carry on.

Post # 55
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@sassy411:

You’re kidding about the child support right? My mother got 1200 bucks a month for 3 children! And my father had alot of money in his trustee. Believe me, to raise 3 children, pay for schooling, food, necesseties, field trips, activities, gas, rent, bill payments, clothes, shoes, and holidays costs a heck of alot more then what you get. And thats not even mentioning time, and child care. We literally SURVIVED off the food bank So I really doubt that a person would rather children to save money in child support. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Sorry to get off topic. Carry on.

Post # 56
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My dad has been married 3 times, so I know all about step families and half siblings ect. His second wife was a total bitch, didn’t like me or my brother at all and made it perfectly clear that she resented us. AFTER they got married of course. And then when her and my father had my half-sister, she drops the bomb on him that he never ever see me or my brother again or she is going to divorce him and make sure he never gets to see his daughter again. She made him choose between his new family with her, or us. And my dad just walked away. So yes, I do think there are some parents that try to get full custody because they harbour a grudge or resentment. My dad has spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on lawyers just so he can see his own daughter because his ex-wife is so mad at him for leaving. This woman was apart of my life for 5 or 6 years while i was in grade school and middle school, and it was terrible. I think it’s admirable that you know what you want in a relationship, and if you are having second thoughts about being a stepmom thats perfectly fine and it’s your right. But remember, you aren’t just marrying him, it’s a package deal. And you can’t just take half of that package, its kind of all or nothing. I’d say, don’t do it for your happiness, and their’s. You obviously don’t have any desire to be a stepmom. so why would you marry him???

Post # 57
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Unfortunately there is a whole myriad of additional things to a relationship than love.  Love is great, it feels awesome, it is the most amazing position to be in – BUT IT WILL NOT HOLD YOUR RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER.

This conflict between the two of you is SERIOUS.  This isn’t, “omg he likes the left side of the bed and so do I, what do I do?”

This type of conflict can rip your relationship apart.

My ex had two kids, and while I wasn’t thrilled with it (I was also young, 22 or 23) I knew if I wanted to make the relationship work, I had to accept them and treat them right.  And I did, and over time, it really wasn’t bad at all.  Actually, I was more devastated about not talking to his little girl when we broke up than him!

You ignored your gut, you let your heart lead the way.  But logically this whole situation is bad and it doesn’t make any sense.  I’m sorry.

Post # 58
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I will say that I normally don’t say much when threads get this intense because my opinion is that the OP isn’t looking for nasty comments or whatever. However, I will say that I agree with milesbella for the most part.

I will say I’m NOT trying to sound nasty or whatver but this is my feelings about this post

I am the mother of two little girls, I was married young and had my oldest and then divorced and then engaged a few years later and had my youngest daughter. Neither relationship worked out. I have now  finally found an amazing man that loves my girls like they were his and he embraced my life as it is with the “baby daddy (s)” situation. So, for me to read this post about how those children are thought of makes me really sad. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to be a mother or taking enough time to be ready to have your own children. However, this man had children from the beginning of the relationship. Regardless of having them on not a fulltime status or not those children were still going to be a part of your life. I have never come across anyone that referenced having step children is such a negative light. If my SO ever spoke about them the way you have I would be ending our relationship. I am sorry to sound nasty but this post really struck a nerve.

I would really suggest not going forward with the marriage right now , at least until you seek some counseling and work on some of the mentioned issue.

I do wish you luck. I’m sorry to be more on the negative side of things.

Post # 59
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You’re not a bad person for not wanting to be a stepmother. I don’t think anyone truly WANTS to be a step-parent, but sometimes the role is forced upon us due to the partner we choose to love. My Fiance has a 12 year old son from a previous marriage, and it is VERY difficult at times to be a step-parent. He lives 7 hours away and we obviously do not have full custody (he lives with his mother and they both live with her parents in her hometown), so it’s somewhat different from your situation in that I’m not a “full time parent” to him, but let me tell you: if you go into that role unwillingly and begrudgingly, it will NOT GET EASIER. It has taken me over 2 years to get to the point where I am now in my role as a stepparent. My Fiance and I have a daughter together and soon after she was born, I struggled with the same feelings you fear having- the want to have my “own” family and not have to share my family with his “old” family. It’s taken a long time to get past that point and into the acceptance phase I’m in now where it no longer feels like I’ve been cheated out of having a family of my own. And I’m not alone in this; my Future Mother-In-Law and I had a talk about it one day and she said that when she and FI’s dad got married 35 years ago and he came into the marriage with children, it took her YEARS to get to where she could call them “her” boys and not just “E’s kids.” And she understood completely when I shared with her my mixed feelings about being a stepmother as well.

Being a stepparent is not easy and I truly admire anyone who willingly does it and is selfless and all accepting about it, but for some of us, it is a struggle. I have to accept decision Fiance makes about his son even if they do affect me, because that’s his son- not mine. I’ve had to sacrifice so many weekends I’d have liked to spend relaxing at home with Fiance and our daughter to drive the 7 hours to spend the weekend visiting his son. I can’t expect Fiance NOT to want to do those things, so it’s been up to me to buck up and go along for the ride and try to make the best of it when sometimes I just want to scream I WANT TO STAY HOME!! You’re going to have to accept that YOUR money will be going to things like caring for those 3 children, and that can cause resentment. And an ex-wife is never a pleasant thing to deal with, even if the exes are on good terms. Because they have a child together, you are uncomfortably reminded of her existence on a daily basis and can’t just pretend she doesn’t exist like other exes you never have to see or hear from.

Dishonesty and lying on his part aside, I think you should leave for your own sake. You sound like you want a better life than the one ou’re currently leading and can expect to lead, and you shouldn’t sacrifice your wants and needs to such an extent that you’re living a completely different life than you want for yourself. Don’t feel bad about this because nobody should be made to feel guilty for not wanting to parent other people’s children (and only those who have the luxury of not having stepchildren of their own can say that you should feel bad for feeling that way because they don’t understand what it takes to BE a stepparent). Please just leave for yourself so you can lead a life that will truly make you happy, because I promise you, from what you’ve written, this one never will. You clearly love your Fiance but love is not enough to overcome some things.

Post # 60
Member
2312 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

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@dunlapsangel:

With all due respect to you and other posters who have commented along the same lines, I have to say to you that your Fiance very well MIGHT have initially had these feelings and never mentioned them to you. Obviously the only reason WE even know the poster is having them is because she is airing them privately on an anonymous forum. They’re extremely common among step-parents and most of us work them privately ourselves, feeling our way as we go and figuring out the best way to accept the situation gracefully. I’m glad that you and previous posters have spouses who love your children and accept them, but please realize that having someone who is a stepparent to your children does not mean that you PERSONALLY know what emotions that role brings along with it. You are not a stepparent so you can’t possibly imagine what it feels like to understand that that means for you and what you have to accept when you agree to be one. Stepparents do it because they love their SO and that means loving their children, but please don’t think that’s a seamless, easy process; it takes time to work through it and this woman should not be denigrated for expressing perfectly normal feelings and trepidations.

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