(Closed) Second Thoughts After 4 Months of Marriage. (Long).

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.

The thing that jumped out at me is this:

I am in my 20’s and he’s in his 40’s. We have an 18 year age difference. I’ve always had hesitations about marrying him because of this

If you’ve always had hesitations, that’s no way to enter a marriage. I know that statment sucks right now because you married him regardless.

He won’t go to counselling. Where does that leave you?

Sadly, sometimes, we make mistakes. 

Do what’s best for you. You are suffering and you can’t continue this way.  

I’m sorry, ETA since WB timed out: Talk to him first. Sit him down and talk to him. He is your husband and should know how you feel. FULLY know how you feel.

Post # 4
Member
4419 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

You need to speak to him. You need sit down together and work out a real plan for making your marriage work, getting your finances back on track, and getting you out of a job that you hate. 

I’m assuming that you knew all of these things before you got married. I mean, all of these issues aren’t issues that have cropped up in the last four months. Which brings me to the hard love part, this is exactly what I would say to a friend if she came to me with your problems…  Most marriage vows say, “for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness and in health…” It sounds to me like you’re in the poorer, worse and sickness part of marriage.  And you knew that going in… 

It’s too late for seconds thoughts.  Start talking to your husband. He’s in his 40s and he should be old enough to take it like a man. 

 

Post # 6
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Do you still love him?

Post # 7
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

if neither of you will consider therapy I don’t know what else can be done. If you guys were on the same page, knowing what issues were and willing to work past it as a team then you could create a plan. But, honestly, how badly do you WANT to save this marriage if you are not willing to get some outside help?

Post # 8
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think money can make things look a lot brighter or dimmer than they actually are. It’s unfortunate that your Darling Husband is in his 40’s with no real nest egg or established career, but everyone takes a different path in life and he hasn’t found his way yet. If he was making more money at the commission-only job, it might not have glazed you over as much after work, because part of you was probably a little resentful of all the work for no pay.

What’s important is whether or not you love him enough to stay in the relationship. The age difference should have been worked out way earlier in your relationship, if that was a sticking point you never should have said yes when he proposed. So you only have yourself to blame for that. But money comes and goes, people go through tough times then get back on their feet. As long as you tell him how you’re feeling and he makes an effort to improve things for you I think that’s all that matters.

Post # 9
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Loribeth: I agree with everything in this post.

 

@grumpybug: Firstly, I really do think you should give marriage counseling a shot. I’ve had bad experiences with therapists in the past but once you find a great therapist it can be extremely helpful. If your husband won’t go, you can go on your own. Also, maybe try AA? His work situation might be affected by his drinking, and again if he won’t go, you can go without him (though it’s best if he’s willing to go too).

Obviously this doesn’t help now, but you learn from your mistakes. I have no hesitations about marrying my Fiance. You need to talk with your husband about all these things, and both try your best to make things work. You married him so you must love him a lot, so I would say don’t give up and keeping working on it- they say the first year of marriage is hardest.

Good luck, I hope you are able to get through this and be as happy as you deserve to be! 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Is this the bf that was lying to you about his contact with an ex-gf?  Is dishonesty also an issue with him?

I don’t know what to tell you.  You do need to talk to him so that he knows how unhappy you are.  To be fair, if he doesn’t realize how unhappy his actions are making you, he really doesn’t have reason to change.  

Should you end the marriage?  I don’t know…and it doesn’t sound like you know either.  And that’s ok.  You are only four months into it and it may take time for you and he to sort everything out.  So until you are sure, you need to protect yourself. Please keep at least some money in a separate account.  Don’t buy a house or co-sign for any debt or credit cards with him.  Don’t let all the bills be in your name.  And please don’t have any children, as much as I know you want them, until you are 100% sure you will stay in this marriage. 

In the meantime, talk to him.  Let him know how you feel and how much you are suffering.

 

Post # 12
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@grumpybug: People get butterflies, but I never had hesitations for an instant, wondering if it was the right man for me.

And you speak of addiction. I dated a “working alcoholic”. If he doesn’t love you enough to seek help now, then he probably never will.

I know you don’t want to hurt or worry your family. (I admire that). So that leaves your husband. Like I already stated, if he loves you, he will kick himself for not seeing your pain sooner. And will try to change to save this marriage.

Please PM me if you ever want to.

Post # 13
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@grumpybug: Yes, if you truly love him, you would not hesitate to say so or have to think about your answer 🙁

Post # 15
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@grumpybug:  (((HUGS))).  

They might be a bit disappointed FOR you, but not IN you.  Your family loves you and wants the best for you.  I’m guessing they have no idea about most of what you posted here.  I’m sure once you share everything, they are going to be nothing but concerned for you.

If they aren’t…well then I might have to come punch them in the nose!

Post # 16
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

There are many different kinds of love, and just as many reasons to get married.  It sounds to me as if comfort, security and family were your main motivators for marrying him, not passionate love.  There is not a thing in the world wrong with that, and indeed in most places in the world today, those are the primary motivations for marriage, not romantic love.  Now that some of the elements of stability and security have dissipated, your feelings for him have changed.  You’d do yourself and him a disservice  to cut and run too quickly, but at the same time the anxiety you’re expressed at the mere thought of going home does not bode well for your future with him.  Perhaps a trial separation would help?  

I asked myself if I were in your shoes how would I feel?  And the simple answer is that I would live in a refrigerator box under the bridge with Mr. Noodles.  If you don’t feel that way, than I think you have your answer.

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