Second thoughts after baby

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Regarding your partner, you should try making him take more responsibility, like leaving the baby with him more. If he’s not comfortable then show him what to do, but then leave. I think a lot of couples, the men are less comfortable (and being unable to feed or take off as much work they aren’t really forced into it the way mothers are) – building that might help him feel like he can help more with the baby or even other things. 

Otherwise, with such minimal information, I can’t really comment on whether you should stay with your partner. Are these new behaviours, or things he always did that didn’t really bother you before? The feeling of being trapped is pretty common among new mom’s, as it sinks in that this is your life for the foreseeable future. If it’s a new feeling, have you changed anything that might impact your hormones (weaned from nursing, etc)? I think post partum depression can hit anytime in the first year, and might be worth talking to your health care provider about. The adjustment is also way harder without a supportive partner. I tend to feel a little trapped when my husband is away for work and I basically can’t leave the house in the evening for weeks. 

It does sound like you have other issues besides just childcare. Keeping a family together just for your daughter isn’t a great environment for her. If you feel like your issues go beyond new parent adjustments, then I’d consider leaving now because it will quickly become the only thing she knows. 

Post # 3
Member
93 posts
Worker bee

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

Have you made attempts to have a serious conversation with him about these issues? Did he listen to you or dismiss your concerns?

Post # 4
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

oof well if you are having doubts now, getting married won’t fix them, and will just make it more difficult if you do decide to break up.  Were you planning to get married before baby? 

Post # 5
Member
388 posts
Helper bee

Coming from a bee who is going through a divorce now, if you have doubts…DO NOT DO IT. I wish I listened to my gut. My husband and i just celebrated our second anniversary, he never changed. Always plays video games, never helps with household chores unless asked/nagged. I couldn’t take it anymore. They won’t change unless they want to and sometimes losing their partner isnt a good enough reason for them. 

Im sorry you’re going through this at a time you should be happy. Hugs. 

Post # 6
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Coming from an adult whose parents stayed together so we would have 2 parents in the house, leave. Don’t stay together for a child. You may think it’s selfless but it just hurts the child. It’s better for children to see their parents happy than their parents together.

Post # 7
Member
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

Things wont change unless you bring it up. If you have brought it up and he still doesnt step up its time to cut your losses.

As an aside, please practice effective birth control so you dont add another child to an already fraught situation. 

Post # 8
Member
476 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the PP that you need to have that “hey, you’re a father now and you’re about to be a husband.  It’s time to start thinking and behaving like we are a team” conversation.

Post # 9
Member
1951 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

From someone who’s going through a divorce with a 4 year old….don’t waste the money on a wedding if you’re having doubts. Splitting up with a child is hard whether you’re married or not but there’s no point in getting married if you’re having doubts. At the very least, talk to him and push the wedding back. Give him a chance to change.

 And yes you CAN split up a family. People do it all the time. 

Post # 10
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

Having a baby/child is not enough basis for a marriage. There has to be compatibility, commitment and shared values. If any of these things are lacking, put the marriage idea on hold. 

 

Post # 11
Member
11974 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would postpone any wedding and insist upon pre-marital couples counseling. 

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