Post # 1
Really struggling at the mo and could use some advice. Me and my partner had a baby late last year, it wasn’t planned and although we were nervous at first having her was the best thing I’ve done!
We’re planning to get married late next year but I’ve been having pretty serious doubts and keep considering calling the whole thing off. I am feeling really trapped lately – I know this sounds horrible but I keep thinking if we didn’t have our daughter then I would break up with him. But I can’t break up a family.. right??
I won’t go into the reasons why I’m having doubts but basically he is still quite immature, spends a lot of time playing video games whilst I’m with our baby, doesn’t help around the house unless I nag, we have lots of arguments about money because I earn less and he doesn’t want to split bills based on income.. etc etc I could go on.
Any advice would be so so appreciated
Post # 2
Regarding your partner, you should try making him take more responsibility, like leaving the baby with him more. If he’s not comfortable then show him what to do, but then leave. I think a lot of couples, the men are less comfortable (and being unable to feed or take off as much work they aren’t really forced into it the way mothers are) – building that might help him feel like he can help more with the baby or even other things.
Otherwise, with such minimal information, I can’t really comment on whether you should stay with your partner. Are these new behaviours, or things he always did that didn’t really bother you before? The feeling of being trapped is pretty common among new mom’s, as it sinks in that this is your life for the foreseeable future. If it’s a new feeling, have you changed anything that might impact your hormones (weaned from nursing, etc)? I think post partum depression can hit anytime in the first year, and might be worth talking to your health care provider about. The adjustment is also way harder without a supportive partner. I tend to feel a little trapped when my husband is away for work and I basically can’t leave the house in the evening for weeks.
It does sound like you have other issues besides just childcare. Keeping a family together just for your daughter isn’t a great environment for her. If you feel like your issues go beyond new parent adjustments, then I’d consider leaving now because it will quickly become the only thing she knows.
Post # 3
Sorry to hear you are struggling.
Have you made attempts to have a serious conversation with him about these issues? Did he listen to you or dismiss your concerns?
Post # 4
oof well if you are having doubts now, getting married won’t fix them, and will just make it more difficult if you do decide to break up. Were you planning to get married before baby?
Post # 5
Coming from a bee who is going through a divorce now, if you have doubts…DO NOT DO IT. I wish I listened to my gut. My husband and i just celebrated our second anniversary, he never changed. Always plays video games, never helps with household chores unless asked/nagged. I couldn’t take it anymore. They won’t change unless they want to and sometimes losing their partner isnt a good enough reason for them.
Im sorry you’re going through this at a time you should be happy. Hugs.
Post # 6
Coming from an adult whose parents stayed together so we would have 2 parents in the house, leave. Don’t stay together for a child. You may think it’s selfless but it just hurts the child. It’s better for children to see their parents happy than their parents together.
Post # 7
Things wont change unless you bring it up. If you have brought it up and he still doesnt step up its time to cut your losses.
As an aside, please practice effective birth control so you dont add another child to an already fraught situation.
Post # 8
I agree with the PP that you need to have that “hey, you’re a father now and you’re about to be a husband. It’s time to start thinking and behaving like we are a team” conversation.
Post # 9
From someone who’s going through a divorce with a 4 year old….don’t waste the money on a wedding if you’re having doubts. Splitting up with a child is hard whether you’re married or not but there’s no point in getting married if you’re having doubts. At the very least, talk to him and push the wedding back. Give him a chance to change.
And yes you CAN split up a family. People do it all the time.
Post # 10
Having a baby/child is not enough basis for a marriage. There has to be compatibility, commitment and shared values. If any of these things are lacking, put the marriage idea on hold.
Post # 11
I would postpone any wedding and insist upon pre-marital couples counseling.