(Closed) Second thoughts (looong)

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
3788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

OK, this might come off harsh, which is not my intention, but it has to be said — You give me the impression that you sort of do not want to marry him; you want to marry the version of him you are hoping he’ll turn into by fixing these (honestly important) things. I am not saying it is wrong to think that way, and I think that a post like this is definitely a step in self-awareness and whatnot, but honestly, it does not sound like you are at all fulfilled and you have concerns about the future. You want to work on it, you are trying your hardest, you are willing to go to counseling, and he is not trying at all. As it stands right now, is that what you want? What if he never changes? Sure, what if he changes and there was drama for nothing, but realistically, if this were as good as it were going to get, would you still go through with the wedding? Have you thought about telling him your concerns exactly as you’ve laid them out here and just telling him that if he is not willing to work on them, you would seriously consider calling off/postponing the wedding?

My ex and I had a similar problem with intimacy (though not due to weight). I asked him what I could do to help; I asked him to get himself help. Nothing. It was not the only factor in our breakup, but when taken with other problems, it and his unwillingness to work on changing it certainly helped me make my decision.

I am sorry you are going through this, and I really hope that he realizes how important these things are and will work on them.

Post # 4
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

How comfortable are you with the preacher?  Perhaps you could talk to them one-on-one if that’s who you agreed to talk to.  It sounds like you guys have some talking to do and it’s best not to wait until marriage for talking.

Post # 5
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the best thing here is to sit him down and talk through each and every issue in one setting. Let him know that unless you guys go for marriage counseling, the wedding just isn’t going to happen. If you’re unhappy now, getting married isn’t going to change anything, unfortunately.

Another thing to think about is that he may be depressed. You mentioned that he gained quite a bit of weight in the last year, he’s not very…ahem…active in the bedroom, so maybe he’s feeling pretty down on himself that he can’t make you happy. It’s almost as if he’s stuck in a bit of a rut. I definitely think marriage counseling will help, but you have to let him know that you’re 100% serious about this. I don’t think he gets that your entire relationship is currently in trouble. Sit him down and let him know that and give him a chance to fix it. I know you said you talked about each individual thing in the past, but for him, those might not be deal breakers. It sounds like all of them together, they’re deal breakers for you. So definitely try to get him to go to counseling and see what you guys can do.

I hope everything works out for you, and keep us posted on the situation. We’d love to see you around the hive more :o)

Post # 6
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

People are package deals. If he’s not going to change now, he’s not going to change once you’re married (but I have a feeling you already know this). Has it always been like this?
My suggestion would be to postpone the wedding (I know it’s a loss of funds, but perhaps this would be worth it to help get things in order). Also, there could be a chemical imbalance that’s causing depression. When was the last time he went in for a physical?

Post # 7
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I just want to address a portion of this.  He might not be depressed or stressed, that frequency might be utterly normal for him.  There are plenty of women for whom that is normal.  We just don’t tend to think of men falling in that same range but in reality human beings of both gender are natrually all over the range of frequencies.  It is especially hurtful for a relationship when it’s a man because everyone thinks it is abnormal and doesn’t know how to react. 

While there is never a way of predicting the future or ensuring compatibility I actually do think that a wide gap in preferred frequency can/should be a deal breaker.  It is so important to happiness.

Post # 8
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

he might not realize that this is the point you’re at with his behavior. I’d be pretty honest about it, and see where that takes you.  Everyone can have their ups and downs w/ intimacy (especially during times of stress or uncertainty or being physically limited etc) but it sounds like it’s starting to become more permanent.  At least you are a pretty good example and seem confident – maybe that will help him turn things around.

Post # 9
272 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like you are doing an awful lot more work in this relationship than he is.  It sounds as if he’s just comfortable – it sounds almost like you’re his buddy that he’s just taken for granted and whom he assumes will always be there to take care of things and keep him company.  While being similar to someone, spending a lot of time together, having the same friends, and working in the same field are all nice things, they are not what a marriage should be built on.  It sounds like there’s zero passion in this relationship, and I don’t think you deserve a passionless life.

Post # 10
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Your Fiance sounds very depressed. And, as the PP pointed out, it sounds like you don’t really want to marry him. Do not worry about pleasing others or wasting money due to canceling your wedding. It is better to postpone or cancel it now if you are as doubtful as you sound. Other people will get over it and understand, your future and your happiness are at stake here. Personally, I couldn’t marry someone who refuses to face their problems. You could always tell him that if he won’t enter counseling with you, then you are going to have to postpone the wedding. If that doesn’t motivate him to solve some issues, I doubt anything will.

Post # 12
1565 posts
Bumble bee

You are very strong to acknowledge that these are real issues that have to change. I think coming to that realization is the first step, and you’re already there. I would consider each one of these problems a huge red flag, especially the lack of sex life but the others as well. 

It sounds like Fiance sees you more as a friend/sister/clone of himself than a future wife. Being funny, respectful, and sharing your values might be great in a friend, but certainly not enough in a husband, as you are discovering. He is comfortable in the status quo, comfortable enough to refuse to change even though he knows you guys are not at a good place. As painful as it may be to postpone or cancel the wedding, you might have to do something like this to spur him into action, since talking clearly hasn’t worked. You may be surprised at how willing vendors are to work with you to make sure you lose as little $$ as possible. This is especially true if you are postponing rather than canceling. 

I think you need to be very upfront with him about all of these issues at the same time. If depression might be an issue, ask him to figure it out with his doctor. Make it clear that your relationship cannot move forward or even continue on as it is if he doesn’t make changes. Don’t let him make excuses – focus on the fact that whatever his reasons are, the behavior needs to change. Keep in mind, if this is his true personality (which you are only discovering), he might never be able to change to an extent which will allow you to have a happy marriage.  

One other point: working together, living together, and having the same friends (i.e. seeing each other ALL the time) can really hurt the relationship. As someone who has gone through that issue myself, I know how hard it is to force yourselves not to see each other all the time, especially if it naturally works out due to having the same job, home and friends. Fiance and I absolutely could not have gotten to engagement/marriage without reaching a healthy balance of  time spent together. That said, I don’t believe that your problems are completely or even mostly caused by too much time together. Hence, while I would strongly urge you to look for ways to spend much less time with him, I don’t think this alone will help. 

Post # 14
1084 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

So you’re at a point now where something has to be done?  Do you think it would be better to talk to a counselor first or him?


Post # 15
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with Arachna, we usually don’t think of men as having a low libido. But sometimes they do. Mr.Bobby and I don’t get intimate any where near as much as I’d like, although it has changed a little since he lost his job. He was just really depressed before, but now I’m finally starting to realize that he’s just not(sorry about the term but) as horny as I am. 

But please if you don’t think you are ready to marry him, then don’t put yourself though it. A divorce would be much worse. See if he will go to counseling or at least “just talk” to the Pastor or any counselor. If this isn’t who he used to be, then tell him you miss the old him. A lot. This isn’t crazy, this is perfectly normal. 

(ps the weight gain could be a big factor in the less intimacy)

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