Post # 1
I’m new to this post and have read some of the other stories pertaining to this subject. I’d like to share mine and any input would be much appreciated.
I got engaged recently while my fiance and I were vacationing in the Caribbean. In February of 2010, after almost 4 years into the relationship, he was finally ready to talk about marriage. One of the major reasons he was ready was because his grandmother told him that she would like to see him get married while she is still alive (she has had some complications this past year). At the time I was ecstatic and said to myself “finally…”. However, as the days passed, I felt like I was starting to look at our relationship through a magnifying glass.
Just to give you some background, we’ve been together for 4 plus years now. The whole relationship has been long distance. At first, it was only a few hours away, but in the past 2 years, it has been mainly overseas (he joined a division of his job that has him traveling for months at a time). I am fine with his traveling but I told him that after we get married, I want us to be together, no distance. His parents and my parents know about each other and like each other. They know that an engagement is soon to come but they don’t know that we are engaged right now (we agreed to this because we know his parents want a formal engagement in our culture to take place).
There are a multitude of thoughts running through my mind about certain things that can and cannot work between us. I love him and care for him a lot. I have a situation from my past that I have never shared with him because I’m pretty certain it will be a deal breaker for him. While I was dating someone in college, I accidentally got pregnant because the condom broke. The guy was a jerk about the whole thing and I got an abortion (which my best friend helped me with). Needless to say that relationship ended right away. After him I met my now fiance who in the beginning, he didn’t seem too into me and it was more of that I grew on him. In a way, I’ve always felt that I’ve had to live up to his expectations and such and I didn’t think about it much before, but now I think about it a lot more. I know if I ever told him about this past incident, it would be a deal breaker. I also know that it is my past, I’ve learned from it and have moved on. It’s just the concept that I can’t tell him everything that bugs me a bit. But other than this, I have a great thing going on.
Am I being foolish about this? Overthinking perhaps? I’m just very nervous and can’t tell if its cold feet or legitimate. Thanks for your advise in advance.
Post # 3
I think it’s a legitimate concern that you can’t tell your Fiance a significant part of your life.
Post # 4
Don’t automatically think about how he would feel about the situation. Let him feel it and then he can decide. You are deciding to break up with him because you think something will be a deal breaker. Give him the chance to decide that then.
Post # 5
if he is going to leave you after you have made yourself vulnerable to him like that is he worth being with? if he loves you he should be able to get over it. its not like you cheated or are a secret junkie.
Post # 6
@mwitter80: Hi, I see where you are coming from. The reason I know it will be is because he has said it himself. (un)luckily, I have another friend that went through a similar situation as I did and so I mentioned it to him as if he were to find out while he was engaged. He said that he couldn’t deal with something like that and he would leave the relationship.
When I initially told him about my ex boyfriend (type of person he was, etc.) he wasn’t too happy about it and we ended up not talking for a few days. Finally, when I stopped calling him, he noticed and told me that my past is my past. But this is different and he was not hesitant to say that he would leave.
Post # 7
Honestly, if you’re going to marry the guy, and you’re hiding a huge thing in the past from him, that to me is a red flag. You guys are going to be spending the rest of your life together and it’s important to accept each other’s pasts and be open with each other.
Post # 8
It’s wrong for you to lie to him.
Post # 9
One thing I’ve learned from wise women who have been happily married for longer than I’ve been alive, you don’t have to tell your husband everything!! With that being said, I’m not by any means also saying that you should hide or conceal certain significant things from your fiance.
Another thing to consider, people “say” a lot of things. Then when they have to deal with it in real life, they act differently. Example, cheating….people find out their SO is cheating and decide to stay everyday. If you were to ask these same people before they found out whether they would stay or not, many of them would say they wouldn’t even consider staying. Love will often times give you the strength to overcome things that otherwise would be difficult. My hunch is that if your fiance cares for you the way you believe he does, while he may be upset about it, it probably won’t be a deal breaker.
You have to decide whether this is something you take to the grave or something you share. It would be hard for me to keep something like that from my fiance, but women have kept secrets like that before. Really think about it before you act on it.
Post # 10
I find much in the original posting to be disturbing.
Of course, the obvious–that this bf is so rigid that OP feels she can’t be open with him about something that is clearly a big issue in her past. My Darling Husband is my best friend, there is nothing I can’t tell him & believe me, there is a lot of ugly in my past.
I’m reading that there are cultural issues, but not clear as to what those may be.
OP, you feel as if you “grew on” him, that certainly can happen. But what about now? Do you feel cherished?
The biggest red flag is the OP’s own discomfort with being engaged to this guy. When he was “just” a bf, the concerns were there, but not magnified as they are now.
I think it’s wise to recognize that whatever problems there are now will not go away after the wedding, they will be magnified.
Post # 11
Did he explain why that would be a deal-breaker for him? Like, is he vehemently opposed to abortion or super religious or what?
I don’t like the idea of not telling him. I went through the same situation as you (crappy ex, unexpected pregnancy that was eventually terminated) and I told my fiance about it just a few months after we began dating, and he had never judged me for it. It doesn’t sound like that would happen with this guy, though, especially since you’ve been together so long and never told him.
I think you need to tell him. If he wants to end the relationship, than you’re better off without him. I know that’s easier said than done but it’s something to consider….
Post # 12
May I recommend possibly disclosing this information in a couples therapy session? That way you have someone who can support you and help you disclose this information in a way that is healthy for both of you? A therapist may be able to put this in a perspective that would be more understandable for him, may help him understand what you went through, and why it is important for you to talk about it. It sounds like this is bothering you greatly. It also sounds like this may bother you long term if you cannot healthily disclose this to him.
Post # 13
I’m sorry you feel like this. I know you expected everything to feel awesome and amazing and now you are confronted with fears and concerns you didn’t even realize you had. Better to have them now, however than after you are married.
My biggest concern is the fact that you recognize that you can’t tell him anything and that rather than him being “upset” you know that he would leave. I personally feel like one of the biggest things in a successful, happy relationship is feeling like the person you are with loves you enough to accept all your faults, and even if you do something wrong or that they don’t approve of, they can forgive you, love you, and move on.
The fact that he didn’t want to talk to you just b/c you had a bad ex-boyfriend (regardless of what a jerk he is) or even if you did bad things to that EX boyfriend, that is the past, and has nothing even to DO with your relationship. For him to have that big of a reaction based on disapproval of something that happened and didn’t even involve him makes me wonder how he will react when you do something “wrong” to him and he actually has to forgive you.
I think thinking about your relationship and whether you are getting all of the love and support you need is a good idea, and I hope you don’t rush into the wedding until you really have thought through what YOU need and gotten to a point with him when you think that he will provide it.
Post # 14
I would not feel comfortable marrying someone who I didn’t feel I could be open with about my past. I think you should have a very serious face to face conversation about this. I think what mwitter said about making the decision for him is great. I say tell him…if it really is a “deal breaker” then he is not the man you are meant to be with. You need someone who can accept all of you (past included) and support you through any difficult times you have ahead.
Post # 15
Well, I’ve done the long distance thing, and I know how hard it is. FI and I were long distance for 2 years before we were able to see each other every day. So the first thing that concerns me is that you have been long distance for 4 years and have not really gotten to know each other completely yet. There were things I never knew about Fiance that I discovered after we were finally together. Even more things came up after we moved in together. Most of these helped us become stronger as a couple, but some of it needed some long talks and compromises.
You need to tell your Fiance about your past. I agree with what the other people have said. You need someone who can cherish you for what you are and what your past is like. If he is not willing to look beyond your past and at the person he fell in love with, then he is not the right man for you. What if he found out some other way about the abortion and he confronted you about it? Better to be honest now.
Post # 16
Wow, that is not cool that he was almost leaving you becasue you dated a bad person before him. This makes him a bad person. You didn’t even know him then and you had nothing to do with him so he shouldn’t judge you for it. If he does, then that’s his problem and you deserve better.
It is hard when you’ve been with someone so long and your families are close, but you have to do what will make you happy.
This secret is obviously eating you up so you definitely need to tell him. If he leaves you than he is not worth it. If he stays and supports you than he may be a keeper.