(Closed) Second time bride – what to do??

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 1
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: February 2015

So, I made a slight youthful mistake many years ago: I got married to someone I’d met only a few months before, in a bar, who I barely knew. That worked out about as well as you’d expect. (Obviously ‘slight’ mistake is major understatement.)

I’m getting married again in a few months, and I’m pretty sure that this time around, I’m doing the right thing. My fiancé and I have lived together for a couple of years, gotten through some really tough stuff together, and I know and love him as a real human being complete with flaws, not as a handsome glossy Ken doll.

I’m organising the wedding atm… and every time I go look up something mundane (wedding invite wording, guest list, registry stuff, what happens to trains on grass, etc.) somewhere it says something like, “the one unbreakable rule is SECOND TIME BRIDES CAN’T DO THIS!!!!”

When I looked up what second time brides are allowed to do, I came up with articlues with titles like, “how to snicker-proof your wedding,” because apparently if I do anything only first time brides are allowed to do, people will laugh at me, to my face, at my own wedding!

It’s not like I’ll be doing any of the usual wedding stuff for the second time. Last time, I got married in a registry office in a silver cocktail dress, with no veil, bouquet, bridesmaids etc. We didn’t vow ’til death do us part’; we wrote our own and they pretty much amounted to, “yeah, we’ll give this a shot and see what happens.” It wasn’t exactly a lavish affair (not that this one will be!) We got exactly one wedding gift, and that was a check from his father. I will be getting married in a different country on a different continent this time, and there will be exactly one person there (other than myself) who attended my previous wedding – my best friend. I had a total of three guests who were ‘my’ guests last time!

I don’t have any kids from the prior marriage, thankfully, and I’m not really an ‘old’ bride; I’m in my 30s now but people are often surprised when they find out because apparently I look mid-20s. My fiancé is in his 20s but mostly people don’t notice the age difference til I start talking about stuff that happenned in the early 00s. (Though why should older first-time brides miss out if they want the pretty stuff?!?)

I’m not planning to do a huge white ‘virgin bride’ kinda wedding. We’re getting married under a tree, not in a church (though it will be religiously valid this time.) I’m not into long trains for outdoor weddings, but a couple of the dresses I like have a sweep. I wasn’t planning to have a veil, though I’m reconsidering because a long veil trailing behind looks soooo pretty… Especially walking down the aisle, which apparently I’m not allowed to do, but I want to anyway. Also, there’s no easy way to ‘enter discretely from the side’ at our venue, like I’m apparently meant to.

I really don’t want to word the wedding invites according to the ‘sullied second-time bride’ etiquette. I don’t want to put my maiden name and ex’s name on the invites, instead of my middle name which was my grandma’s and means way more to me, and wording it as an invite to our ‘new start’ or something like that seems awful because my fiance has been my life for years now.

And having the people I love involved in my wedding this time is non-negotiable for me. Which means having bridesmaids and having my step-father walk me down the aisle, even though I’m apparently not allowed to do that, or people will laugh at me. But they weren’t part of my first wedding, and I really want them to be part of this one.

Also, on the delicate subject of the registry: my fiancé and I have been living overseas and are moving back just before the wedding. We’ll be buying and setting up our first home together, and frankly, we could really use a lot of the traditional wedding gifts, if people want to give us gifts. But the etiquette stuff says I can’t have a traditional registry the second time?!?

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Is there anyone out there who’s been in a similar situation? What did you do?

Did people laugh at you, or comment unfavorably on it, if you did a more traditional wedding for your second marriage than your first?

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And more generally, everyone: if you were invited to a wedding like mine, would you think it inappropriate and wrong, since I’m a second-time bride?

  • This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  FLAussie. Reason: Typos fixed. Thanks auto-correct

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Post # 2
Member
2273 posts
Buzzing bee

FLAussie:  

I have been a bridal consultant for three years and have met every kind of bride you could imagine. I have found with my second time brides that if you are one of the girls that it didn’t work out the first time around, it was destined the next. Do what makes you happy not what others expect of you, this is about you and your fiance and the people their to support you not judge you. If there are people you are afraid will laugh in your face to be honest they probably should not be attending in the first place, its still a wedding so do it up to whatever you want as the bride.

Post # 3
Member
7699 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

FLAussie:  I think you’ve looked up the wrong web sites! As a fellow Aussie, my experience here is that no one will care that it’s your second wedding. A few of my friends have married a second time and (to my knowledge) had no dramas at all. Wear whatever colour dress you want, and do whatever else you want to.

The only etiquette rules that matter are the ones to do with general politeness (i.e. how to treat your guests properly). Any “etiquette rules” about what dress you can wear or who can be in your wedding party are, as Jack Sparrow would say, more like guidelines.

Post # 4
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Sedona Golf Resort

FLAussie:  I was a second time bride and similar to you, I knew my ex for only 60-days before we married! I did manage to stay married for 10-years, but the wedding was small and hardly any family and friends. The whole thing was planned in like 2-weeks and I paid less than $30 for my dress. 

This time I decided I didn’t want to cheat myself. I had the wedding I always wanted, and while I was very price conscious I cared nothing about rules. As a matter of fact not only did I wear white (Ivory) I asked all my guests to wear white too in support of our union. Make your own rules, this day is about you and your love. Honor your marriage by being proud and boldly defy all those stupid rules. I promise the only people that will judge are those jealous of your courage to ignore tradition and live life with happiness, hope and freedom. 

Below is a pic of my all white wedding which did include my children too. 

Post # 5
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My dear. I am a second time bride. First time mistake of a very brief marriage, but gifted me with a beautiful daughter. First time it was us alone with a coworker / preacher marrying us in the park. My girly dreams of a wedding dashed as I stood there feeling all fat in blue jeans and a white sweater, to poor to buy a dress. No flowers or cake. No honeymoon but just a typical resturant dinner. 

Flash forward 20 years later – I am marrying the love of my life, heaven sent – with a dress that has a train, in a chapel/church ( I wanted the outdoor thing but I don’t like sweating).  I will have my flowers, and cake, honeymoon suite and do the honeymoon Vacation.  No, not having the full blown wedding for private and financial reasons. I chose to spend my money on a honeymoon and I’m choosing privacy and to keep the drama low.

I don’t care what others think. I’m older. Dress like a bride. Hold your head high. Celebrate your love. This is the day and age most rules are out the door. some things can be changed up, example showers are gifted for items other than house hold items.  Do what suits you. 

but, yes. If Debbie downers are going to rain on your parade, ignore them or don’t invite them. enjoy being a bride. this is about you two…..not others.  People told me that years ago. I now understand it. I hope you will also. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by  KathyEE67.
Post # 6
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

that is a beautiful picture! And a beautiful family!

Post # 7
Member
46547 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

FLAussie:  Have the wedding you want. I can think of many more egregious errors of etiquette committed by first time brides- hosting your own shower anyone?

The people you invite to your wedding are likely familiar with your history and they love you . They also know that you will be moving and need to start fresh with household effects.

Post # 8
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

FLAussie:  I doubt most people will snicker. Do want you want. (snickering probably doesn’t start until the 4th wedding.

Post # 9
Member
8579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

FLAussie:  Everyone deserves the wedding they want and can afford. As long as you treat your guests well that is all that matters. What you wear, how you decorate etc etc are entirely up to you.

Post # 10
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee

FLAussie:  Your post makes me want to cry. Stop reading negative wedding blogs and have the wedding you want. Who would be so cruel as to snicker at a wedding simply because someone has been married before- especially in this day and age?? You know your guest list, and if you have unkind friends or family who would try and tear you down, don’t invite them to celebrate your marriage. As far as gifts goes, it is perfectly fine to register for whatever you need and would like as a gift. People generally will give want they want and can afford, so if anyone asks for specific ideas you can direct them to your registry. Hugs to you and congratulations!

Post # 11
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee

I’ll be a second time bride before I’m 30… and SO is in his 30s and getting married again.

We both had large first weddings so have chosen to keep this one small and intimate. Our families have often said why don’t you do this or that or whatever but it’s all things  we’ve done already.

So if you didn’t get to have what you wanted the first time around… I say do what you want! And don’t let anyone tryand diminish anything because it’s your second time.

You and SO deserve new and fabulous memories of your day! Whether it’s 10 ppl or 100!

Post # 12
Member
6001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

FLAussie:  I admit I didn’t read your whole post, but I’ve been married before and WHO CARES what some stupid article says. Lol! I think there’s waaaaaaaay too much on the internet. For heck’s sakes, grass stains on the dress…. Do whatever it is that pleases YOU and your Fiance. Eff the haters!! That’s how I roll, anyway.

Post # 13
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Seeing as how you didn’t get gifts the first time, I’d register.  As for everything else, do whatever you want.  It doesn’t affect your guests to wear a veil/train, invitation wording, etc.   

(The gifts are the only inssue In My Humble Opinion, as it’s the only thing that affects your guests.  I’m at an age where it seems like every month brings an invite to a wedding, bridal shower, baby shower.  It adds up to major $$$.  Asking for a second wedding gift (or third, or fourth) is tough on wallets.  But it’s not your case.)   

Post # 14
Member
7699 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just another thought: it may help to distinguish between “etiquette” and “tradition”.

Etiquette is about treating your guests well (and then treating you well). If you invite someone you invite their spouse, you make sure they have food and drink, that sort of thing. Etiquette can be summed up in the phrase “be nice”.

All the other things are tradition. That includes things like whether you can have bridesmaids, what colour dress to wear, who can walk you down the aisle – and anything else which doesn’t affect how you treat your guests. There is NO NEED to follow tradition at all. Don’t listen to people who tell you that you have to; or who confuse call things etiquette when they’re only traditions. Have the wedding you want!

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