(Closed) Second time fears

posted 9 years ago in Encore
Post # 3
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m a long way off and we’ve been living together since we bought our house 3 years ago and I still have the anxiety!

Whenver anything happens to remind me of my previous marriage I go all ape$hit and think history is repeating itself.  glad to know someone else has these fears.  I think that the first time around you are blissfully ignorant and for an encore you just can’t be naive – you KNOW marriages fail.  🙁  Scary stuff…..

Post # 4
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I can totally relate. But what IS different now is I am able to judge much more carefully.  I’m older, wiser too.  I’ve also taken a hard look at myself and at my partner and realized first (before I started even considering to date after the divorce) what kind of person would be best suited for me.

I can say that I found him.  While there are always memories of what was, both good and bad, I am not deterred anymore by them.  We’re both great communicators.  We see eye to eye on many things.  And our priorities are straight (unlike my x).  We also respect our relationship and that is key.

You’re not remarrying the same person, so the old rules here don’t apply..but the divorce did make me take a long hard look at myself and my life and analyze what person, what kind of person I’d best be matched with.  Knowing that I now know "me" much better, I trust my instincts and the irrational fears are definitely at a minimum.

What was once is now no more.  Life’s open and waiting for you.  Don’t live in the past worrying about what could be and keeping you from enjoying now..enjoying the moment.

Also, I’ve read all of Dr. Harley’s books and love his site, marrigebuilders.  The book "His Needs/Her Needs" I definitely reccomend to anybody who’s thinking of getting married!  He always reminds us to never stop courting!

Post # 5
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Premarital counseling helped us. I also got counseling for myself after the divorce, which helped a TON.

Just make sure you two have an understanding that sometimes when you are upset, scared, anxious etc that you communicate to him that it is NOTHING he has done, but things that you are dealing with b/c past relationship.

You two can decide, before one of those times happens,  how comfortable the two of you are with sharing information. Ie how much you want to tell him about your past information and how much he wants to know.

That way when one of those times comes up, he knows its nothing he has done, but you appreciate his patience with you. The open communication about that stuff has REALLY helped us, and has kept him from wondering if he did anything wrong and me having to hide my feelings from him.

 

It is nerve racking, but trust me, keep pushing through and don’t forget to communicate!

Post # 6
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I can relate. I think mainly my confidence now comes from a few places. One, this relationship and this man are very different than last time. And two, both of us know that a long term commitment and bond takes WORK and it isn’t always easy. We don’t expect it to all be roses and sunshine; we know there will be hardships and disagreements that we will need to weather together. We’re both very committed to making this work. So for us it was more making sure that we were each the kind of person who would keep up their end of the bargain, and the kind of person we saw ourselves with forever.

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